awakenings
Did you ever see the movie with Robin Williams? people with sleeping disease, given medication and they wake up? Well Suzie is waking up!
2001- Suzie realizes that her husband of so many years never really loved her, how did she find this out? He told her.
He realized after 9?11 that he didnt want his life to end without knowing real love so he wanted to give his relationship a chance with a girl from work. OK so I was always the one with the upper hand in the relationship I THOUGHT. He loved me, just didnt know how to express it. Nope- he just didnt express it cuz he didnt have it for me.
I was reeling, I had spent many years believing that he was shallow in the feeling dept and I was going to bring him out. I guess my broken heart came from believing that I was tricked, fooled, decieved for 15 years.
Long story I went to my Dr. she and I are on a first name basis because we became friends years before. I lost 15 pounds in two weeks and couldnt stop shaking. She prescribed Paxil. Antianxiety, antidepressant yippee just let my skin stop slipping off my bones and my guts from feeling like a bag of worms.
It worked.
I found a way to cope, I made a "friend".
It became my morning routine. If I forgot it I would go to get it. I would start to feel dizzy and a lil tangled without it. I carried a few extra in my purse for that reason.
So 20 mg every am for 4 years or so. I am ready to get off it and hit a "bump" in the road with Andy. I decide a lil haze is a good thing. Haze. I felt that taking the easy route is just ...
easier.
It made the familiar feeling of not being "the right" girl a little easier to swallow.
So 20 mg wa s small price to pay to help me not think.
I got pregnant, married and then the heart attack stuff.
The Dr's upped me to 40 mg because for some reason I am having nightmares and flashbacks of death. Now I am so numb I really dont remember to much. I do know that things that used to freak me out dont bother me anymore. I always had a thing about being held down. Not a good thing. Dont ever hold my arms or hands down. I hate feeling out of control or overpowered, I will hurt you. normally.
Well I hadnt had that feeling in many years the Paxil stops that. Well today it came back. I was in the bathroom with ANdy fooling around and he held my arms down behind my back.
I said let me go. laughing, let me go, let me go, let me go.
seriously let me go.
please
please
Let me go you fucker or I am going to kill you.. ( in my head)
I feel heat rising
ears starting to burn
humming building in my head.
Here it comes I am getting pissed off. angry. wow I havent been angry in a long long time.
Andy has never seen me angry. I told him that the other day. He doesnt really really know me.
I am awakening.
I welcomed my husband home from a three day business trip last night with great sex twice last night. That is me. I wanted sex,
I am rekindling my love of quick wit. I am also wandering along the dusty path of self discovery.
Some of the things in the past few years have been painful and I didnt really feel them. I felt them but didnt process them. My dad is gone. I knew that but I am remembering the details of his death. His face the last few minutes. He turned blue. I forgot that. He turned blue when his o2 dropped so low and gasped for breath while looking in my eyes. He gurgled and guppy breathed open mouth and open eyes. Descript yes but I JUST REMEMBERED IT.
He had beautiful white hair, I stroked it and felt how soft it was while he looked around with a look of what the hell is happening and why arent you helping me. My brother Danny wailed crying to my Mother to get him out of here. He couldnt take it. My Mom took him out and then they came back maybe two minutes later. He was still fighting for breath. Morphine drip was going I told the nurse more and she did. Rick was saying I miss you already, go to heaven and we will see you soon. Dave just told him I love you I love you.
I miss him bad.
I am feeling sad, happy, passion, despair, excitement, anger.
Paxil is down to 10 mg every other day. Another two weeks and it will be totally gone. I am looking forward to coming back a little more everyday. I just hope the rest of the world is ready for it.
2001- Suzie realizes that her husband of so many years never really loved her, how did she find this out? He told her.
He realized after 9?11 that he didnt want his life to end without knowing real love so he wanted to give his relationship a chance with a girl from work. OK so I was always the one with the upper hand in the relationship I THOUGHT. He loved me, just didnt know how to express it. Nope- he just didnt express it cuz he didnt have it for me.
I was reeling, I had spent many years believing that he was shallow in the feeling dept and I was going to bring him out. I guess my broken heart came from believing that I was tricked, fooled, decieved for 15 years.
Long story I went to my Dr. she and I are on a first name basis because we became friends years before. I lost 15 pounds in two weeks and couldnt stop shaking. She prescribed Paxil. Antianxiety, antidepressant yippee just let my skin stop slipping off my bones and my guts from feeling like a bag of worms.
It worked.
I found a way to cope, I made a "friend".
It became my morning routine. If I forgot it I would go to get it. I would start to feel dizzy and a lil tangled without it. I carried a few extra in my purse for that reason.
So 20 mg every am for 4 years or so. I am ready to get off it and hit a "bump" in the road with Andy. I decide a lil haze is a good thing. Haze. I felt that taking the easy route is just ...
easier.
It made the familiar feeling of not being "the right" girl a little easier to swallow.
So 20 mg wa s small price to pay to help me not think.
I got pregnant, married and then the heart attack stuff.
The Dr's upped me to 40 mg because for some reason I am having nightmares and flashbacks of death. Now I am so numb I really dont remember to much. I do know that things that used to freak me out dont bother me anymore. I always had a thing about being held down. Not a good thing. Dont ever hold my arms or hands down. I hate feeling out of control or overpowered, I will hurt you. normally.
Well I hadnt had that feeling in many years the Paxil stops that. Well today it came back. I was in the bathroom with ANdy fooling around and he held my arms down behind my back.
I said let me go. laughing, let me go, let me go, let me go.
seriously let me go.
please
please
Let me go you fucker or I am going to kill you.. ( in my head)
I feel heat rising
ears starting to burn
humming building in my head.
Here it comes I am getting pissed off. angry. wow I havent been angry in a long long time.
Andy has never seen me angry. I told him that the other day. He doesnt really really know me.
I am awakening.
I welcomed my husband home from a three day business trip last night with great sex twice last night. That is me. I wanted sex,
I am rekindling my love of quick wit. I am also wandering along the dusty path of self discovery.
Some of the things in the past few years have been painful and I didnt really feel them. I felt them but didnt process them. My dad is gone. I knew that but I am remembering the details of his death. His face the last few minutes. He turned blue. I forgot that. He turned blue when his o2 dropped so low and gasped for breath while looking in my eyes. He gurgled and guppy breathed open mouth and open eyes. Descript yes but I JUST REMEMBERED IT.
He had beautiful white hair, I stroked it and felt how soft it was while he looked around with a look of what the hell is happening and why arent you helping me. My brother Danny wailed crying to my Mother to get him out of here. He couldnt take it. My Mom took him out and then they came back maybe two minutes later. He was still fighting for breath. Morphine drip was going I told the nurse more and she did. Rick was saying I miss you already, go to heaven and we will see you soon. Dave just told him I love you I love you.
I miss him bad.
I am feeling sad, happy, passion, despair, excitement, anger.
Paxil is down to 10 mg every other day. Another two weeks and it will be totally gone. I am looking forward to coming back a little more everyday. I just hope the rest of the world is ready for it.
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