Flaming June's Love

I am in very bad space today. I miss my father in a desperate way. I am feeling his absence more and more everyday. What hit me today I dont know. I guess the holidays arent helping but my down time is consumed by thoughts of What is he thinking ? where is he? Is he afraid or lonely? My faith has taught me since childhood that heaven is a paradise that words cant explain. I believe, but how can he be without us and still be happy? We were his whole life, my children, my mother my brothers their families. He didnt go a day without a call or something concerning all of us. The last few days of his life he fought hard to stay. I knew he wasnt ready. The last day he was peaceful. But I held his hand and didnt want to let him go. How do you say goodbye to someone that was an example of courage and grace. A daily reminder of what I wanted to be. My Dad was raised by his single mother who had him at 40 y.o. He didnt have a dad (living) and was on his own for his upbringing. ...

Allie and I go tot he mall. I have 100 dollars to spend on me. That never happens, I always spend it on something or someone else. So I go directly to my fav store, B Moss. OK so the secret is out I am a yuppie dressing scarf wearing hat donning 40 yr old woman. I love the sweaters that are turtleneck, wide legged wool pants, vests, and a cool hat. I am famous for my black beret, you know you have to feel those things in order to wear them. So we are eagerly shopping me in the size 12 and up , she in the 3,5's. ( lttle shit!!!!) I ask her If she felt that? felt what that that that whooosh I utter whooosh and it comes from the back to the front, cool tight air, champagne bottle whoosh I feel the urge to grab my 5'8" baby and dive under the rack of knee length wrap around grey sweaters. I look around everyone is looking at each other and we all grin and hold badk the OH SHIT LETS RUN My take charge gal says Mom put everything down lets get out of here and into the...

She appears to be looking at me- she knows everything and says its ok. Do the best you can and everything will be alright. This is a photo of a stained glass window. I found it obscurely and love her. She might be a little sad but that is her. all is well.

I guess I should know my life is pretty good if my blog entry is about my sons runny nose. Ho woke up yesterday with the rosy cheeks of sickness. If you have a child with the telltale just "slapped cheeks with fever" you know how pitiful they look. Runny nose red cheeks, cough, and just miserable attitude. I attempt to approach the boy with a tissue for the river of snot on his upper lip, he grabs what he is doing and goes the other way, running in his 15 month old way! Of course he is voicing his distaste for anything tissuelike approaching anywhere near his face by verbalizing his fathers familiar gggrrrrrrr.. Currently he is watching Sesame drinking a bottle of water and pretty content. Andy is in NYC this week and working hard. He is considering changing his job to something so he wont be away so often. We are in process of rearranging some money inorder to buy a home and I am concerned that a change will affect our loan possibilities. Anyway Andy has always bee...

Im not in the mood tonight. For writing, talking, laughing, sex, and most of all Christmas. Music everywhere. Ill be home for Christmas. hmmmm I dont think so.

I have a date tonight!!!! Yup I am meeting with my Mom and cousins and Aunt for a night of poker with the girls. We did this about a month ago and we were all so happy to spend some time together that we were out til after 1 am. I enjoy all of their company and we inherently laugh most of the night reminiscing. Isnt it intersting how the family that is in another generration nopw dont seem to be that much older we all go together after a certain point. I think it is 40. yup that is the turning point. I am playing cards tonight with my aunt who is in her 80's and then all the way down to me. with 12 in between. It sounds corny but I enjoythem. I am now begining the christmas stuff. I mentioned the outside christmas lights to Andy and he got them out for me. I usually cant wait to get them up but I am a little slow this year but have resigned myself to the "fake it til you make it" theory. Fake being jolly, merry and filled with yule (whatever that is) until I rea...