Flaming June's Love

I think the loss of my dad is becoming.... something else. I have been absorbed by thoughts of what we were and how we lived. I am now reminiscing a bit about those last few weeks. Could I have done anything different? NO. That man in the bed truly was my father. I am a registered nurse if you didnt already know and the condition of his body those last few days was horrid. Ventilator, central line in the neck and arm. Dialysis ports in the groin. NG tube in his nose. foley cath for urine, rectal tube for feces. horrible. and I never saw this man sick with more than a cold. How did this happen? where did this event begin and how the hell did it end this way. We talked to him for 17 days while the drs continued to tell us he would get better. they gave him a paralytic so he couldnt fight the vent and attempt to pull out his tubes. Did this break his courage. Nope I could see him in there the whole time. His soul was alive, he could hear us. I know when he gave up, it was ...

Wednesday all ready how time flies. Halloween was very nice with the children. Missi the middle child invited about 10 of her friends over prior to trick or treating and I truly enjoyed their company. She and her friends are the "smart, quirky" kids. I picture them as the ones you dont necessarily notice in high school but wehn these kids hit college man look out they will hit their stride. Smart, sharp, witty, unshaken by their differences. I love that in people. Have you met people that hit their prime already and now they are just hanging on. Whether they were HS athletes, or whatever. That is not this crowd. Allie my older daughter has friends that have hit their prime or are already in them. One in particular. She is so wrapped up in the HS drama that the college life I believe will just swallow her up. Allie will hit her stride Im thinking after college. In the work world and probably late twenties early thirties. She is just exceptionally pretty. I am n...

To whom it may concern: I am enclosing in this letter one shred of my soul. Please be aware that this small scrap is one of the last that I posess and will be looking forward to getting it back someday. Why you may ask am I sending it to you and your valuable staff? I want to be sure that when and if the time comes that I again feel empty and used up I can be sure to find that small piece. I am hoping that you will be able to return this piece to me whether it be in one day or years from now. I would like to inventory this piece by identfying its finer points. This piece of me contains self confidence, intelligence, a wickedly sharp sense of humor, flirtatiousness, intense sensuality and most of all passion. Passion in all senses of the word. Passion for love, life, people, art, literature and most of all music. I will label this piece sfp. Suzies finer points. I am working on generating more "soul" but if it does not succeed I will take comfort in knowing you pos...

I had two people respond and graciously give me advice on my "dad in the box" issue. I do spend about an hour parusing blogs during the day and often forget that there are people real people behind those words. I think as americans we spend so much time on the line of real and drama tv that personally I can have moments of "Are they real?" These two comments were real. two people that have lsot in their lives as well and I so appreciate their insight. Thank You . Her is the plan for the weekend. Take the fifteen year old daughter to Valley Forge PA to a convention with two of her friends. It is an Anime convention and if I have to explain just shoot me dead in my tracks. Missi isa very artistic young woman and loves the asian influence of artists in animation. It is truly a "movement" now Characters that have depth and real attitude. So as a Birthday gift I will take her and two of her friends to a hotel tonight swimming pool dinner movies kind o...

Well that familiar tooth third from the back on the right lower is gone. It is now in a little bag on the shelf in the kitchen. Why you may ask is it there>? Hell if I know. Does anyone have a loved one that was cremated? If so write back and give me some suggestions on how to deal with the fact that my father all 210 pounds of him that I loved for forty years every freckle scar and sparkle in his eye is now ina box on the shelf in my moms room. I believe that his spirit is "somewhere else" but stiill his body all that I reference to him being him is in that box. Im a tangled emotional mess. I would visit him often if he was in a cemetary and could bring him flowers and notes pictures just between us, but with him in that BOX (YES SOME ANGER HERE BOX!!!!) I am stunted feel like I dont want to upset anyone so I dont go up there. Now the cremation was my dads idea and we did everything he wanted. But yikers. Show me a place where I can just specific spot to crunch do...

My last post was in a bad space for me... I am still fat but hey thats ok for today. 9not really but Im dealing) My husband is a salesman and is on the road most of the week. Last week he had to be ib oston for a few days and asked if I wanted to come along.I had never been so the boychek and I went along. We truly had a nice time. CXhildrens museum, BMA, Regatta, great pubs to look into the windows of, great food and cool p[eople watching. I enjoyed it. Only bad part was I had the worst toothache of my life. I am terrible about going to the dentist and no one can tell I have bad teeth other than my dentist. So 1030 tues am it wqill be yanked. I am feeling good on the inside and know I am going to be ok. Missing you Dad. Loving my kids more everyday. Learning more about my husband everyday and I like him!!!! yeah.

OK so I am talking to myself today and we decided that I am no longer me. truly I am not me anymore and I think I wouldnt recognize myself if I met me 5 years ago. OK here goes. I am decidedly fat. I have never been fat. always the tall glamorous looking one. not bragging but truthfully. I still love clothes but nothing looks good on me. I feel fat and look worse I think. This by the way has nothing to do with my husband he is attentive to me sexually and all too eager to satisfy me in any way he can. He is enthusiastic about my body and has me convinced he is happy. He has paid for me to got o the gym aand I have a membership I just havent gone. why ??? babysitter, partly, depressed "I am fat just live with it." Lazy yes. sad yes. I think I have to just go and not contemplate what else I could be doing other than walking on the treadmill. I will make an effort tomorrow. I promise. second thought for the day, No one will ever meet my dad and say so that i...