Flaming June's Love

I have had a beautiful wekend. Right now Jack is happily watching Sesame street Missi is sleeping soundly on the couch , My husband is sleeping and here I am recounting the good things in my life. Have all things been good and great no not always. Have I made mistakes absolutely. regrets..? yes. Can I change them nope.. learn alot..? yes. To make a long story short, after having a broken heart and truly being broken, I confided in someone I thought was a friend. And actually up until this morning I still thought waas friend. We had been through something that only women can understand. cheating husbands and boyfriends. The view and emotional damage attached to that is not the same as effects for men. Anyway, she and I compared notes, shared feelings and I thought got past some of the hurt TOGETHER. When you are hurting like that you can make some bad choices and even not see people for what and who they are even though people tell you they are bad. Iwas warned, given exampl...

I went for a walk this evening Jack and I. As I said this am it was an exceptionally beautiful day here. The evening remains equally memorable. Twl things to remember so I will write them here. 1. The light on the trees at 6:45 was tremendous. setting reddish harvest sun in the west. threw light on amber trees that I swear I havent ever seen before. If I knew how or what the color was I would paint my liffe with it. I dont know if it was so much the "color" as the "light". Ok here is the thoughtful side of it,.... Could that be my Dad? Could he be in "heaven" and shining a light down on Jack and I so that we feel something good? Did his face pop into my mind habitually or intentionally inspired by a greater being, force, power? Did I get that grateful to be alive feeling by encouragement or by habit.? I miss my dad on a daily basis. He and Mom lived up the street so seeing him 3-4 times a day was not unusual so when I say I have lost a const...

Dear GOD, Thank you for such a gorgeous fall day. The sun is shining, the leaves are the first sign of change, the hint of a light green to soon turn those magical colors of northeast fall. I was able to get into my own car today on my own feet and with strength and enthusiasm and wrestled my healthy happy 1 yr old son into his carseat and went to the grocery store. That is where I realized that I have enough money to buy food that intriques me, freshest fruits and vegetables for my children, and still have money left over. Jack and I drove with the music playing windows open and breathed in chilly fresh air. Smell of leaves cut grass and images of a hot cup of pumpkin spice coffee. I sit here now on the computer, my home is clean, I am healthy, my oldest children are at school, a private high school where they are getting one of the best educations possible in this area. I am so grateful. I have had loss the past few years bu I am encouraged, positive, grateful and ready to li...

Tuesday and all is well. My exhusband was over today toclose the family pool. I guess its an unusual relationship, when it comes to typical divorced couples. I like him. I always liked him, and to be honest I still love him but more like a longtime family member that just "is". I was with my ex for 15 years, since I was 17 myself so life before him is almost nonexitant. I dont think I discovered who I was or what I wanted until after we broke up. Sadly enough I didnt know how much I liked him until after he was gone, and truly I probably could have stayed happy with him had I met him when I was older to realize what is truly important. Thats the past, now I am remarried to a man that is so totally opposite of my first husband. Loving and verbal obviously loves me. People I hardly know say they never saw a man so in love. "With me?, why. " I ask him that often why I am nothing special. But to him I am. that is all that matterts right. right.

Saturday rain had always been a bummer until now. I like being "stuck" in the house with the kids and my husband. Kinda lazy snuggly I like it. My oldest daughter has a football game today to cheer at and then have a sleepover. My younger daughter Missi the computer girl, will be here until she has some friends over tonight. Obviously Jack and I will be in my room bonding over green eggs and ham the one fish two fish book. Andy ( my husband) is going to drink beer tonight with hus buddy. There was atime in our relationship when I would stay up and think about what he was "up to" I dont think like that anymore. Since my heartattack and the birth of our son he has been the most attentive and committed man on the planet. I truly love him from the deepest part of my heart. He was the last thing I saw before I went to surgery and the first after I finally woke up. OK gonna have to run I am boring arent I. LOL

I am wearing my favorite Universiity of Pennsylvania sweatshirt and Jack has on a white turtleneck with blue jeans. It is officially chilly today. So as I usually do I cook for the weather!!! what? well I cook for the weather. Obviously today is a chicken soup day. So the stock and chicken carrots and veggies are simmering in the kitchen as we speak. I also put an apple pie together this am. Some women shop for shoes, handbags, I am a grocery store junkie. Recipes, fresh stuff and primarily baking is one of my things. My husband is a great eater!!!! My daughters dont eat much but they are teenage girls. I cook for comfort for everyone. Nothing ever felt better to me than homecooking. I am feeling better today I think I just get sad at night when things quiet down. I really am just wanting to feel better. Hopefully my daughter will help me download a few kid pics to share. OK I will write again later. http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c255/Kyuujutsukun/missipic.jpg http://i29.photobucke...

Well- I remember wathcing Greys anatomy at the end of last season and crying. I cried for the lost love between Izzy and Denny. But more than that I cried for myself. A year ago I suffered massive heart attack and barely survived emergency heart surgery. My body has been recovering but my spirit has not. I want to live but dont go desperately outof my way to accomplish a long and healthy life. I dont smoke, but also dont exercise. I dont eat right and have gained a more than a few pounds in the past year. Depression maybe a little. Hopelessness, maybe a little. but I truly think I am just getting by. I know that when I die It will be an ok thing. I am not afraid to die actually look forward to the day with optimism and interest. I am not suicidal but really in a mood where if it happened tomorrow other than my kids being motherless and husband being a widow and alot of sad people, selfishly.... I would be ok with the whole thing. If you read any of my other posts you know ...