15

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 How to begin.

"It has been the best of times it has been the worst of times."

I had a few posts that I began but never posted that I decided to just "let go of" and publish.  SO that is where the extra posts from this date came from.  Check the written dates and that will explain alot..

Our boy turned 15 the other day.  The past 7 months since March 13th we have been on a relative lockdown quarantine stay home order.

While in the middle of this craziness it seems as if life is either a total shitstorm or minor inconvenience. 

We are reaching the end of our summer and it has been one of quiet simplicity.  Mixed with fear and mindbending uncertainty.

I have rambled between this has been a mother nature wake up call to slow the hell down world VS I need to get the fuck out of here before I lose my mind and die here. 

Our boy is now 15 and begins HS in a few short weeks.  In reference to the PANDEMIC we are in the throws of we have now been out of actual brick and morter school since March but have agreed to return to actual school building Sept 8th.

Cross Country has been in practice mode for at least a month and Jack is probably in some of his best shape  EVER.  

I am afraid for him to get sick.  I am more afraid of myself to get sick.  I fear Covid will kill me with my heart in the shape it is in.  I have gained twenty  pounds and am battling depression at this point.  I feel myself slipping deeper but feel powerless.  My energy and will come from "The boy".

I need to see him do HIS thing.  I don't believe death would allow me to see ANYTHING, so I need to fight to allow him to have a mother.  But its tiring, this battle and constant thoughts of endings.

The boy is smart, yet naive.

The boy is handsome, with a mischevious grin that he seems to recently discovered how to use to his benefit.

He can run like the wind.  Without an exceptional amount of passion.  He likes to win, but when it is over, its over.

He loves classical music, video games that have to do with building or geography. maps and world history.

Today we talked about college, presidents( lots of those chats) being 15.  I appreciate all of our conversations and hope to never forget them.Jack will often mention how he loves our talks especially in the car.  I love them too.

I love this child, we have come so far together.  He is my lifes work.  My girls were so easy and such daily joy.  The boy has been my greatest challenge yet by far my greatest accomplishment.  

If I may be so bold I will admit.....

What we have done the two of us is nothing short of miraculous.  He has brought me 15 years further into this world than I ever deserved or expected.  This screwed up heart has been broken so many times yet somehow I have found a way to keep rolling.  

Every time my engine turns over his name is on my lips.

Jack.



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