Flaming June's Love

I am full of things in my head. Jam packed full of things that need to be done. Missi's big graduation bask is this sunday, and estimated 75 bodies will be passing though the yard! I am excited, yet as always nervous of glitches. My Mom and her infinite wisdom has thought out all the details with me and we have it. Now just get my house cleaned to the Hilton standards and we are golden. Allie will be 21 tomorrow. She and I went to Jon Mayer concert over the weekend and truly I am in Love with both John mayer and Allison Elizabeth Faith B. We chatted, sang, danced, laughed, and had a great time. She is probably my favorite person to hang with. Missi had to work but understood. She is going on a little holiday with ehr BF and his family to inner harbor this week. SHe cant wait and I am totally happy for her. Then ALlie starts her traveling month of August before Nursing school starts. Florida for a week, then directly to Vegas for three days. Home for two then to Scottsdale to visi...

I am not much of a talker, I am a writer. So those thoughts that everyone has and divulges to that one person that they trust, well I hold it in then put it out there for blogdom. Good, bad whatever it is out and I usually feel better. Today , I feel better. Spent the day with my boy and he was excellent. truly the best. Went to school this am and got a good report. We found a frog in the yard and made it a habitat in a huge mason jar. He named it "Jackie, a girl frog" Not just jackie but the whole thing, jackie a girl frog. We went to the library he was great. He had to sign his name for the first time officially. He signed with some assistance. He is a library card holder, a true American!!! So for posterity, July 20 2010 Jack J T put his signature to paper, it will be a collectible someday-mark my words. He carried his notebook with him today marking off the list the things we got done. Bank-check Nana's- check Library- check Chicken and fries from BK-check Pick up ...

Irish Blessing Death is nothing at all I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other-that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used, put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. pray, smile, think of me, pray for me Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort without the trace of a shadow in it. Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was. There is unbroken continuity why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you somewhere very near just around the corner. All is well. Obviously that was for Dad. Four years ago today he had his catheterization done. I think my dates are right. What does that mean now? Not too much really. I can go back in my mind and try to remember details but you ...

My newborn son with his exhausted daddy. Beautiful light on Allie, I swore it was my Dad watching over her. Missi with the smile and face of an angel. Me after surgery admiring my miracle boy through brand new eyes. My boy with shaving cream on his face with the world in his eyes. I was browsing my blog for the year following my Dads death because we are quickly approaching another anniversary. i am forgetting alot. I sometimes want to feel that pain again so it doesnt feel so long ago. I feel like I need to be punished for letting him go. I still wonder "How did this happen??????" I wonder if the bad things that happen now are my punishment for screwing up Dads post surgical care. Not paying attention. Was I sleeping? Where was my head? Why cant I go back and change things? Just one minute? Anyway. You will have to bear with me the next few weeks as I torture myself again. maybe someday I can let it go, but, not this year. PS My son still doesnt have a grandfather...

Thats all, Im ready to wake up now, Im not enjoying this part of the trip.

Yeah thats me. Im totally skewered. Shish kabob like. I am torn right through my middle with about ten different people that just cut right through me. Jack is at an all time high for driving me crazy. I am torn between thinking he is magically delicious and pathologically demented. I got a call from his teacher today but didnt know it until 8 at night, so I am of course stressing about the topic of this phone call in the am. It could go anywhere from aggressive behavior, ocd behaviors, add adhd or just plain JACKism's. I am so afraid to see him grow up. If he is what keeps me up at night with anxiety what will 15 look like? Missi will be leaving for college in a few weeks. She isnt fussing at all about it. I am not thinking about it too much since "the boy" is up my ass every hour he is awake. She is the child that doesnt ask for anything, but also waits until the last minute for things she NEEDS. Allie is fine and working awaiting anxiously the beginning o fher n...

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size… insanely huge with its own zip code 2. I’ve come to realize that my job… means alot to other people but losing its appeal for me. 3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving… I am getting places without memory of the trip. 4. I’ve come to realize that I need… a soundproof booth. 5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost… alot- but nothing that cant be reasoned away. 6. I’ve come to realize that I hate… not having control. 7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk… I surely had vodka! 8. I’ve come to realize that money… is always someone elses. 9. I’ve come to realize that certain people… deserve better, others deserve nothing 10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always… wish it were different. 11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s)… make me grateful. 12. I’ve come to realize that my mom… is irreplaceable. 13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone… is just a portable phone to me. 14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning…...