Oldies but goodies.

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My newborn son with his exhausted daddy.
Beautiful light on Allie, I swore it was my Dad watching over her.
Missi with the smile and face of an angel.
Me after surgery admiring my miracle boy through brand new eyes.
My boy with shaving cream on his face with the world in his eyes.
I was browsing my blog for the year following my Dads death because we are quickly approaching another anniversary. i am forgetting alot. I sometimes want to feel that pain again so it doesnt feel so long ago. I feel like I need to be punished for letting him go. I still wonder "How did this happen??????"
I wonder if the bad things that happen now are my punishment for screwing up Dads post surgical care. Not paying attention. Was I sleeping? Where was my head? Why cant I go back and change things? Just one minute?
Anyway. You will have to bear with me the next few weeks as I torture myself again. maybe someday I can let it go, but, not this year.
PS My son still doesnt have a grandfather,
My daughters didnt have their Pop there to watch them graduate.
He didnt see our house built.
He didnt see Andy really become a father and husband.
He didnt see Danny in his dress uniform, so proud and awesome.
He doesnt know Kaleigh is him-girl form.
So many minutes, moments, occasions, nothings have gone without.
I screamed in the car as hard and as loud and long as I could. I have never done that before.
I anticipated relief, release, liberation.
Nope...
A fuck&&&& sore throat and cant talk, but no relief from my self imposed sadfest.
No need to comment, I know what you will all say, I get it. I love you too.

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