Flaming June's Love

Interesting weekend for us. We went to sister in law Molly's bigass party yesterday and truly is a lovely time... IF I repeat IF you dont have a crazy wild man three almost four year old. He was truly out of his mind at times, with so many other children running around and new toys and cars to drive bikes to run people over with (yes he did that.) He has a passion for everything. It is a good thing when you are 15 and love say swimming, or 10 and love trading cards, 20 and love karate. 4 and love to go fast, well mix that with kids and moms that dont know you or why you dont "talk", it makes for a "bad Jack Experience" Well Jack had a ball, MOST of the other kids loved him, but if you werent quite fast enough or into racing down the driveway with no brakes or hardly steering and definately not looking where you are going.... not so much. One kid I overheard saying to his Mom "That kid Jack seems to cheer for everyone else.. for no particular reason....

I think these are relatively new pics, or at least not these particular pics have I posted. They are funny charming, smart and might I say beautiful. I am not afraid of who or what they are. I am so far from perfect, they know that. They as well are not perfect but I like that. I enjoy all the goofiness, experimenting they do and testing of the waters. I dont have any problems with them, I guess we just understand eachother. I am also not afraid so far of their mistakes. I have told them there is nothing we cant fix, unless you are broken. So dont F$%^ up enough to get broken, and we will be alright. Love them. PS The pics on the beach with the sandcastle titties makes me laugh.

First pic of my guy and I. This is at the weding and we had a marvelous time. He is so handsome. There are two pics of Jack and Andy. One of them working on a ceiling fan for Allies room and the other was from Fathers day morning. I love the pic in the garage with Jack rididng his bike and Andy fixing his extension cord. I dont think there is a better Fathers day card than this. Jack just rode his bike around and around Andy and they gave high fives every pass. FYI JAck is in his underwear which if you know us is nothing new. He just cant seem to get his pants back on after the potty- so as long as he goes on the potty- we can master the pants at a later date. The flowers were my cigarette flowers for the week. I buy myself new flowers as a reward for not smoking. They cost about ten bucks a week and the cigs would have been at least 40 at the cost of them now so, add a little pretty to my kitchen. The last is a pic of the kitchen where I spend 75% of my day when I dont wor...

Today is Fathers day... and you know what.... Its ok. I am watching my husband play with our son all day and it reminds me that...life goes on. Yeah my Dad isnt here, but that is destined to happen. Im sorry about it, sad, but Im ok. Andy is out now with Jack to the park, (before the rain hits AGAIN) Then to Lowes for some much needed MAN time with tools and tractors. My girls are not in such a good place today though. My exes mother is very ill and home in VA dying of Cancer. He is understandably in a very bad place here in PA> My girls called and asked him to do something with them today but he declined. I am sorry he is not behaving the way they need him to be. He has his own demons. Andy's father didnt answer the phone this am when he called to wish him a Happy Father day. I think that is better for him in the long run. When ANdy called him for his Birthday he told Andy he could nt talk he was very busy. OK Dad Happy Birthday anyway. Yeah, not cool. So today is about Fat...

Quickie post because miss Suzie Ass is a draggin. Wedding last night and the Big GUy and I had a great time. We danced and laughed and I got to get dressed up. We hung out with some old friends and I of course drank too much. Not a hot mess Suzie, just a laughing, silly, (Lil hornygirl)Suzie. We got home at 2 ish and really had fun. This morning though, not so much. Headache, dizziness, sick to my stomach. I guess vodka tonics in excess of 7 in a night is too much. Anyway we had a great time and its all good. Had sushi with my girls and my best bud Jo tonight. I feel better after a night with her. I dont know for sure why I feel better but the down time with her is so easy. I can be really myself with her because she understands I am a quirky oddball and its ok. She in turn is also so we have perfect symbiosity. (Hows it that word) I want to put pictures up but I am tired and want to go to bed and truly sleep. Just one song efore I go to sleep. Love to all.

Sunsets on the back deck watching my favorite tree change colors and dance in the breeze. Open windows at night. The smell of a new babies head while they sleep in your arms. Warm clothes from the dryer. Brand new ideas. Clean sheets that are cold. My husbands huge hands on my body as we sleep. My daughters laughing, about anything. My sons first words every morning, "Mom? Mommy?! MMMMOOOOMMMMMYY!" The front porch at the mountain house. My first drink of coffee in the morning. Potstickers My teacups, i love each of them as a little piece of art. The back porch at my old house. The piano I should have taken with us. First day of school. When my students really learn something totally new. Old people in Love. ALL Of Missi's homemade cards. Finding money in pockets. flowers that actually grow for me. Smell of fresh cut grass. Allies sense of humor. The brown stripe through my sons bright blue eyes. The first snowfall. Christmas, but just the preparation not so much the actu...

A friend of mine reminded me of this movie today at school. I remember we were living on the farm when the whole phenomenon hit. It was almost a call to the housewives and mothers of the world to rethink their "happiness". Well, lets see, Am I happy? In the grand scheme of things yes I was happy. I was 26 two kids married on a farm not working at the time, married to a workaholic husband that was always legit tired. No I wasnt happy everyday, but I didnt know any better I dont think. I dont think I thought of life being any other way. Then this movie hit and I believed in LOVE. That crazy, lose your mind momentarily, destiny, soul mate schtick. The problem for me at the time was that I didnt feel as though I was truly worthy of this kind of LOVE. Oh sure Tim loved me, but not like Robert Loved Francesca in the MOVIE> So what do you do? I chose to investigate the whole LOVE POTENTIAL, I tested the theory of there is a true Love for everyone. So I looked into the eye...

I get run over by guilt and sometimes it is tangible. I feel physical waves of heavy, that last seconds but are real nonetheless. I hope he forgives me someday for not doing more, but I am in the acceptance stage of our journey of letting go. If my aches of "YOURAFUCKUP" Suzie hit me less and less then I am succeeding. I still surprise myself with the flashes of reality( He is gone)and then other times it all seems "normal". Either way my favorite month that I have such a tumultuous Love/HAte relationship with is right around the corner (August) I am now preparing for that by begining it with my broken heart video. WARNING do not watch if you have an ounce of feeling for you will CRY. Cathartic that no one is alone in their pain, but painful all the same.

Went to Philly again today for Temple stuff with the Allie girl. I love her. I want her to be happy and to feel as though she is going to make a difference in this world. I know she made a difference i the world just by being in it, but I feel the world needs to know she is here. So here is to second tries, and third tries and fourth if need be, because the reward of effort is in the everyday. If it takes her five years to get where she wants to be, I will be right there doing what I can to help. A quick note about my Dad. I think of him all the time. What would he say about this decision? or this choice? The daily grind and childrearing is always on my mind. I think today it hit me, These small everyday things that we do have changed the outcome of everything. You cant predict how or what things may have been IF HE WAS HERE If I had suggested a different course of treatment when I could have he might have been here, but in what state of mind or health? Those choices were gui...

The first pic is Allie and her new guy. Kendall. I think he is a sweet, full hearted man. He is physically strong and handsome, but the longer he is around I realize he is more beautiful inside. He listens, remembers and enjoys talking to all of us. Most of all he is totally in LOVE with JAAAACK!!! The play like boys play and he wnats to be with him. If he doesnt he sure hidws it well. Jack in turn acts with him a way I have never seen before. He listens to kendall and enjoys his company. He is gentle and the strong man cuddles and hugs and kisses Jack. I love it. The pics of my SASSY ASS Girls was their trip to Granny's. They are beautiful and funny and really really cool. I love them more than words.

Well the sun is surely sinking down But the moon is slowly rising So this old world must still be spinning round And I still love you (chorus) So close your eyes You can close your eyes, its all right I dont know no love songs And I cant sing the blues anymore But I can sing this song And you can sing this song When Im gone It wont be long before another day We gonna have a good time And no ones gonna take that time away You can stay as long as you like - chorus - I am missing my Dad. My husband gave me an amazing Birthday present this year. As usual he thinks of me. Not what other people are thinking or expect, but what makes me happy. He went to the new owners of my Mom and Dads house and bought the chairs that sat around the kitchen bar. We spent endless hours at those seats. Talked about everything and lived life in those chairs. Now they are in my kitchen. My dad sat in that chair for hours a day. My Mom sat next to him. They had their dinners in those chairs. Watched thei...

Tomorrow I will wake up and BE 43 years old. I will officially BE HERE 4 years longer... I turned 39 then it all changed. But then again it didnt. I thought when I turned 40 my life was really changing, or moreso I was really changing. My family had a surprise off the cuff party for me. In my Mom and Dads yard. Andy got me a bicycle with a seat on the back for Jack and we were riding that afternoon. As we rode past Nana and Pops house I stopped THERE... because I did that numerous times a day. Just stopped and walked in.. We stopped and my girls were on the porch with my parents and Maryellen and Jackie and a few other friends. I was so happy and surprised and proud. Proud that I was even HERE since It was one year longer than I should have been at that point. Now I am HERE. HERE wherever that is. And should be THERE, wherever THERE is. He is THERE... Maryellen is THERE... I need to be more like THEN, than NOW.. and be happy to be ME, instead of THEM. 43 isn't so bad. I am...

I heard this somewhere on the life road, it wasnt til Andy reminded me of his favorite usage of it, Smokey and the bandit movie. OK say that is my reference point. My application for the ditty? well I have about 50 pounds to lose before Novembers 25th reunion for HS. Yeah I know I should be concerned about being healthy, blahblahblah. I want to look, at least, good. We went away to NY state. ANdy Jack and I. It was truly nice. We didnt argue, Jack was good and I was not feeling overwhelmed at all. Then we get home and all shit hell breaks loose. Details too many, but just stupid piss me off shit. Either way, I am still here, married and a mother. pictures attached from our trip.