Flaming June's Love

"O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

As I had expected and hoped Allies party went off well. I am attaching a few pics of the evening. One o fjust her on her night and one with her two best friends. They are good kids that have gone to different colleges but come home to one another. The blonde Kellie is just that.. a blonde kellie!!!! Overly happy but honest. smart but dumb. A good friend that doesnt know any better. Kailyn is highly intelligent and sassy, not a naive bone in her body. misread as a bitch.... no ... she is a bitch... if you dont know her. honest, and if she doesnt lilike you you will know it. Allie rounds is out by rounding them both down, Kellie not so soft and Kai not so hard. It works for them. Missi is away for the week at camp. As everyone knows camp is her highlight. she loves it every summer. It may be called bible camp but I dont see it. If she is religious she tries very hard to not appear it. She Ibelieve is very spiritual but far from religious. SHe can seem abrasive with her voici...

19 years ago today I gave birth to the best thing that ever happened to me. How do you describe a child that defines what every parent would want in their future? There have been few surprises with her. She has told me almost everything there is to know in the progression of teenage years. I have had less than ten moments of upheaval with her and truly look forward to her company more than anyone elses. She had some friends over tonight in the backyard and Iloved it. I am now getting to bed with Andy and I dont worry at all about what they are up to really. I am sure they are being typical teenagers but I trust mine. Thank you God for giving me her. Thank you for all of them. She is my reason. Not perfect, but you know what , I love that part too.

Yeah I was roaming youtube and found this song which in turn reminded me of again.. another one of my wanderings.... I met this guy at the Y. yeah the Y when Missi was a baby. He was there with his daughter and I was swimmin with her. He and I just clicked and he shared alot of his favorite music with me. This is one them. He wrote the words out for me and put them in my car. He also pressed some flowers for me and put them with it. Yeah it was real real sweet. I was taken with him and the great conversations we had. No crazy funny business just a cool guy I should have met another time. Then again.... maybe not. He wrote out the words to Eric Claptons Wonderful Tonight. He attached a note because at the time I cut my hair really really short. He thought I looked beautiful no matter what I did.

A few pics from today. As you all know Andy is workin his tail off to $et these porches done for Allies birthday. He is now on the last but bi%%est of them all in the back. Today it rained and he was out there in thunder and li%htnin% unitl my MOm called and said "tell ANdy I said $et out of the li%htinin% or he is %onna %et it from me." He came in. When the boomers stopped he went back out. I am attachin a fe pics of he and Missi workin to%ether. If you would have told me Missi would use impact drivers and LIKE IT I would never a%ree but there are moments she looked at me and smiled like this is COOOOL. I tooka pic of the card she made me for my birthday. The characters onth card are just so the three of them and I love it. I hope to frame it as soon as I remember what size it is at the store. We looked on line and stuff for the perfect colle%e for her in Philadelphia. Havent foundit yet but it is comin%. I am hopin% to find one on the east coast since she seems ...

Yeah so that is almost three years, Au%ust 18th Ill have my new junk...three years. My Dad came to visit me in the hospital about a day or two later after this fiasco and said he prayed, prayed to %od to let me live. He told me he would trade his life for mine at that time. He said that out loud. "SuZIe, I prayed to $et you well and asked %od to save you and take me instead." I thou%ht nothin of it at the time. Until a year later almost to the day and he is lyin% in a hospital bed, dyin%. Did %od listen and take him up on his offer? AM I here because of some deal? Should I feel %uilty? Its all very bizzarre isnt it? Im %oin% to ask him about that when I see him. Remind me of that OK?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Kahlil Cut me a break dudes and dudettes I am tryin here. I am really stretchin% and reachin% for some sense of peace on this day. I do feel some relief that my MOm and Dads house sold easily, Mom has some extra cash to feel comfort from. We are all comforted by the idea that she is closer to me and I can be there in less than three minutes. ALL FANTASTIC. I am searchin the web for words to comfort my feelin^s of loss, and a quote that will ease the reality of transition. Transition and chan%e are all fine thin%s. WHEN YOU WANT CHAN5E!!! I personally dont want chan%e, I like the same old thin%. I was born to be the same old thin%, dammit. OK so Kahlil Gibran is tellin me that my sorrow is just a si%n of my happines...

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. 9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth? 10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it. 11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God m...

It done. Mom and Dads house is empty. The stuff is %one. The floors are swept and the memories have been stirred so that as we drove away today I could almost still hear them. I took some pics of the place. If these walls and floors could talk. I am attachin% a pic of my Dads chair a tthe breakfast bar. It is stayin% with the house. It belon%s there for the new family. I took a few pics and can still see him sittin% there smokin% and smilin% waitin% for us to visit. The family pics attached are from the memorial posters from his funeral. The pics are irreplaceable and I cant take them. So I pic'd pics. Allie is pickin% a few of the amazin% flowers from the yard. Jonh was there for a few minutes and he cried. We were a family all of us on that street for too few years. I let ^o of his wife my best friend on that street. My husband on that street, my Dad. My %randfather, My %randmother,. All our family apirits charm that street and I now officially have no reason t...

Tomorrow is the be^inin^ of the end of the house at 137. Mom and Dads housr for almost twenty years and now it is %oin% to someone else. I think we will be ok. I have nothin% but %ood memories from the house and I think we are leavin% only the best of karma in the place. I can say that when I think of my Dad one of the first thin%s that pops into my head is him sittin% at the table in the kitchen and when anyone would walk throu%h the front door he would yell. "Hey ALlie look its my %irl." "boy" "buddy" I miss him, miss him badly and know that after this second anniversary next week I have to move on and start to heal. I cant keep this so close to the surface %rief is truly eatin% me up somedays. I plan to %o to therapy even if its only a short time to help me move throu%h this. I owe it to my family. In other news my boy had the pukers the other ni%ht and althou^h I felt terrrible for him I had to lau%h at times. He was tellin% me "UHOH UHOH...

About 14 years a&0 while livin% on the farm there was as ummer day when both of my %irls went down for a nap. They were such %ood ^irls, they would ^o to their room play for a bit and then %o to sleep. I could hear them pretty well and the never %ot into too mucht rouble I recall it bein% a summer day because their air conditioner was on and their room door was shut. I remember bein% in the bedroom in the front of the house when I %ot the sudden whif of basby powder. hmmm funny. five minutes later I smell it a^ain. I looked of the bottle, its not there where it should be on th chan%in% table in the hall. Missi was about two and Allie 4ish. No panic I must have left it somewhere in a rush diaper chan%e. I walk past the %irls room to head down the steps and there it was, the smell of baby powder stron% as ever. OH ^OD WHAT ARE THEY DOIN%!!!!! I opened the door and truly could not find my children in the fo% they had created while emptyin% the lar%e shaker of talc into the a...

A few notes to the MASSES or shall I say thron^S of readers. LOL Yesterday was two years since my Dads admission to the hospital. He was admitted on a I cant remember... Is that a %ood thin%? I cant remember the day of the week. I have found blo^s of parents that have lost children and I read them every ni^ht so I can realize the potential of loss. I feel it but cant fathom their pain. I realize we are lucky we havent had disaster, we have lost a father which is to be expected at this sta^e of our lives. doenst make it better thou^h. My Moms car broke down today and we rented one for her to use for a few weeks until she fi^ures out what she wants to do with the car and then ^o buy another. ANYEWHO we walk into the place of rentals and it is a n absolute disaster area. mess. I Immediately thou^t shady joint and wnated to leave. Then the nicest man came out from behind the desk and immediately I thou^ht what I nice man for my mom. hmmm MOM what? date. He was white haired dre...

This kid makes me laugh,she can piss me off but I would be lost without her. The other kid I just admire for her bravery to be different and softness to be hurt so easily. They both are the world to me. I dont know what would define me all these years if it werent them. It goes without saying that everyday with them is an edventure and I dotn want it any other way.

Today was Joe the nei%hbors %raduation party. As I have mentioned before in recent weeks the relationship of ALlie and Joe is chan^in^. I have voiced the idea that she has avoided the BEIN% with Joe because of the friendship and now that she may be wantin% moe it may be past that for him. SHe and I and my MOm and her friends went to his party today and I really dont know what is %oin% on with them. Allie has finally admitted that she wants to persue somethin% with him, (THAT IS HU$E BY ITSELF) But he had a %irlfriend up until a few days a%o and now she is probaly feelin% the crunch. ALl I can say anymore is that I know what a broken heart feels like. I have had them more than once. I know that when you have your heart set on someone and it doesnt happen or doesnt happent he way you want it to it hurts even more. So the eternal cosmic question? DO you ^0 for the &uy you know you will always love, or do you hold back because you know you cant lose him as a friend? I amhopin% ...

The last two pics are exactly one year apart my boy is %rowin% fast.

We had a nice weekend with the family. Who was here anyway. Allie was down the shore with her posse'. She called periodically with complaints of fi^htin^ between the ^irls but that is typical with 6 of them in one room. She is home now and happy all around. Missi is at a friends house toni^ht and ^oin% to camel beach tomorrow. I am very happy for her since this is a friend she lost touch with a few months back and then yesterday the friend wrote to her apolo^izin^ for the lapse and invited her to a day withe her family at the park. We went to my sister in laws party on Saturday which is always interestin^ to say the least. She puts out a ton of food and invites the most wide array of types and kinds of people that hter is never a lack of talk or interstin^ stuff ^oin^ on. As you recall if oyu have been an avid reader, Andy does not have a healthy relationship with his father. This has been evidenced on numerous occasions by his dads lack of interst in our lives as well as h...

As I anticipate my boy turning three, I cannot help but feel the bittersweet anniversary of my Dad. My brother Dave had MADE US watch the end of this movie many summers ago in the cottage and I must admit at the time I thought what the hell. Then we watched and truly was inspired y bravery, courage, selflessness. All the characteristics you would want for yourself were identified by the portrayal of these brave WELSHMEN. Then turn the pages ahead and the song brings a whole new passion. For me the song represents my Dads courage, bravery, selflessness at the end of his life and the battle he underwent to live... then to let go. He did so gracefully, with courage, and without any obvious regret for his commitments to his wife and family. So speaking directly to you brother Dave, I may have been a young skeptic and far toooo busy to understand at the moment what the ZULU movie was meant to be, it turns out I got it, I finally got the message and hope to keep it. I watch this youtu...

Men of Harlech stop your dreaming Can't you see their spear points gleaming See their warrior pennants streaming To this battlefield Men of Harlech stand ye steady It cannot be ever said ye For the battle were not ready Stand and never yield From the hills rebounding Let this song be sounding Summon all at Cambria's call The mighty force surrounding Men of Harlech on to glory This will ever be your story Keep these burning words before ye Welshmen will not yield

All is well nothing really new here in the Fort. My girls are both at work today. Working at the Eyeglass shop together and left looking as pretty as ever. Funny when I was their age I was wearing a blue smock with a name tag that said My girls on the other hand wear high heels and dress like professionals to impress in the business world. Not complaining really, I think that its great. We had such fun at Danny's party this weekend. The girls had a ball, Jack ran around for 12 hours traight raising hell. And We (Dave, Mom, Timmy, Lorraine, Danny) all hung out and laughed. It was a good time. I must say though, Did you ever notice how you never like someone elses family? They could chosen by GOD and they are never what or how you would be? My sister in law has some real wealthy family and boy did they ever give MONEY IN THE BANK a bad name this weekend. Other news I will list for speed and accuracy since I tend to forget. 1. Missi passed her drivers test and is now a PERMI...