Flaming June's Love

sad face for school. "mom is a dork for taking my picture while i brush my teeth." The front door. It will be painted red after we move in. The fireplace space on the bottom and the windows up above. A long shot of the formal living room with kitchen cabinets in boxes, insulation and boxes of bathroom fixtures, pipes and stuff. I havent written about the house in a while. We had a little set back since the builder had to finish another job and leave ours for about 4 weeks. So now we are back working and it is really going fast now. The kitchen cabinets are in, the basement and garage floors ar poured. The french doors are in. The front door is in. I will attach some pics. Today was Missis first day of school. Strange without the Bert but all is well. She looked beautiful and I got to take her today. I picked her up at 1130 and she had a good day. She lost abou ten pounds since summer and definately has lost her baby look. I am excited for her. I will attach the p...

It seems lately that my pics are Allie and Jack. Well here is my "in home rocker" Missi. She has the sense of humor of a 30 yr old and often gets taken as brusk, hard and misunderstood. She is misunderstood, because she is none of those things. I can say that if anyone was to bring a hungry stranger home it would be Missi. She talks to anyone and usually appears to have no fear of strangers. She is watchful, intuitive and mature. She is not the type to forget though. She may forgive but not forget. Sh eis going away for the weekend with a friend to the beach for their last weekend. Her friends parents own a home on the beach "that has an elevator in it Mom." Usually unaffected, she is excited to go with her. Allie is doing well and has called a few times to let us know she is alright. Jack has a new injury to the lid of his left eye. Not stitches but you know the old saying, "a hair of an inch closer you would have lost your eye kid.." Wel...

Miss Allison looking more like sh should come home with me than ever. No really she was so excited, brave, beautiful, friendly and everything anyone could want. The strangest thing happened when woke up this morning, my Dad was at the foot of my bed, no really... anyway. he said "Dont you cry, youll only make things worse, so suck it up Suz and be the Mom today. Your doing a great job." I havent cried a drop. Here is the hall she is on. Room 3 on the left. Jack crawled up on Daddy while he was nappping on the couch. Hugged him and watched his tv shows. The boy planning something.

Girls being silly Jack exhausted and sleeping. The time is creeping by without me mentioning it. Everyone else is talking about it but I am not saying much. Today is the end of Tuesday. My girl leaves on Saturday. I actually will be taking her to college. You know the imaginary place where our children turn into adults and we no longer worry, love or breathe every breath for and with them. I have a familiar feeling in my throat. The one that is a happy but close to tears all the time. I can cry with the thoughts of driving away. I probably dont have to say much more than driving away. We have shopped and shopped and talked about this and that except for the driving away. Today as I was giving Jack his bath and Allie was getting dressed fro her "girls night out" she asked how Sat was going to "work" I said the anticipated, unpack all the shit, make the bed, get your books, put in the rug, hook up the phone, put money in the account at the bookstore. blah blah bl...

Here we are two years later. I dont recall this moment that clearly but I do know that everything hurt EXCEPT my heart. I was so deeply in love with this boy in my arms at the time that all the STUFF going in and out of me was secondary. I can now look in the mirror and see the scar down my chest and in my neck and arms and leg and remember, but the newborn three days old is tangible. He is the running whirling durvish with the smile that glows from the inside out. I do know that this is a photo of the first time I saw him after the whole "thing". I believe this is a bout three days after the actual surgery. I was still in the ICU and just up in the chair for the first time. I can look at this picture and remember.... but I can also forget. I really want to take care of myself. I dont want to go through this again anytime soon. My boy really needs me. As do my girls. They need me, but I mus admit. I dont want to leave my Andy. I feel like he is my reward sometimes ...

This painting has always "spoken:" to me. And I am not trying to sound like something Im not by using that adjective. It says volumes. Her face, his face, her dress, the background. I see her as a young girl with no idea how beautiful she is and he is a man dreaming of his youth. Her dress is moving and swirling swooshing the leaves along their way. The people in the background pretending not to notice this beautiful girl. It is a cool 65 ish today and not getting much warmer. A breeze blowing that is so fresh and I love everything about it. All the windows are open and I am feeling some better today. I am coughing up some of the grossest stuff on the planet but its all good. We are planning on going to get some things for the house today. Paint and some extras .

I spent my entire summer anticipating the show So You think you can dance. I love every second of it. Last night was the finale. The best part was all the contestants came back for the show. awesome. And they are on tour in the fall and will be at out arena. I so want to go. I voted for Danny. But Sabra won. Its all good though they will all be successful.

Had my checkup and all is well with the ole' ticker. My cardiologist is always sure to remind me how serious I was and that He hasnt had that much excitement or anxiety.... EVER.. Allie insisted on going this time I think so she coukld leave for school with a clear mind. He asked if she knew how "touch and go" her Mom was. She said yes and then went on to tell him that I eat all the junk I shouldnt and I dont exercise and for him to talk some sense into me. He just looked at me and then back to her and said. "She knows" I cried. right there in the office. We went for lunch there. Now to get an idea of this hospitals size. We have valet parking. There is acres and acres of parking. Burn unit, Nicu, open hear center, wings of mental health, everything it is huge. People of every color shape and size. Its like a trip to I dont know a museum maybe. Babies, old people, amazing. I actually love visiting the place just not the memories. They play a shor...

Andy's favorite music is Jimmy Buffett. He obviously modified this song to fit this stretch of time he will be away in Hudson Valley NY. We went to Key West together about 6 weeks after we met and it holds a near and dear place in both of our hearts. Who would of thought that the guy I wanted for Total carnal knowledge would end up a responsible father husband working man type LOL. I go to Allentown today for my heart checkup since it will be two years on Sat. MORE IMPORTANTLY!!!!! Jack is two today!!!!! He is so bright and beautiful. We are the luckiest people on the planet when you think about it.

Two weeks our niece Maya will be 4. We cant make it to her Birthday party so we spent the day with her at the train and trolly museum i Scranton. We had a ball. As you can see Maya is a girly Andy. I have images of our little girl looking somewhat like her. Andy-like. Jack was a good boy and loved the trolly ride. I hemmed and hawed about going but as always I did have fun and gotr some great photos of the boy. All is well and I am feeling renewed as if I went through the storm and I am on the other side. I also have been reading a few blogs of Mothers that have lost children within the last few months and am so so so grateful. I am here and feeling good.

mom made me put this one in. but she really means... This is pure gold. PURE GOLD I SAY! I know,I'm so witty... bathe in my wit. BATHE IN IT! BATHE IN IT I SAY!

I wuffles my girls. They make me gigglesnort. oh,I lol my pants sometimes too. They need to buy me new pants every time they do that. damn kids. *old person mode* mommy won't let me type anything else. poopie. D:

^ watch. :3

This is the print going over our fireplace at the new house. I feel this way. His hands on me, his face in my neck I close my eyes and breathe him in. He holds me up above the ground almost weightless. Close my eyes and I see colors with him. Why? Because he is My Love. He is dark and strong and intense. I feel safe, warm loved and small.

How funny is that I have written down my thoughts 199 times right here. I started I think in Oct. I am now almost full circle. My Mom and I and our cousin went to lunch today. We sat at Olive Garden for two and a half hours. Obviously not eating anymore but talking. Not one word about Dad. I guess too close to the surface for all of us. One year ago tonight we were at home without having to go back to the hospital to visit. He was not there. I left the hospital that morning just wanting to take him with us . I told my brothers that I hated leaving him there alone. They werent going to treat him like a man anymore. He was Just a number now. I took alot of Ativan this day one year ago. I dont really remember the whole thing after we came home from the hospital. I called Andy he was on the road in Vermont and he came home and was there by 8 that night. I spent the whole day with the boys and my Mom. Then the parade started. People came that I didnt know. Food was everywhere. ...

My Dad is dead. truly gone and not coming back whether it is one year to the day or twenty. I want to have FAITH. Faith is supposed to be where you believe in something without needing actual proof. Do I have FAITH in the idea that I will someday see my Dad again and hear him say tha he forgives me for whatever I may have done wrong in his care. My family has all reassured me that I did everything right. I did all the checks and balances I was capable of at the time. I think I knew he wouldnt survive. I remember my mom calling and saying dad had a slight heart attack but was fine and just sitting in the er waiting to go home. I left my house and told Andy I am not ready to lose him. How the whole thing fell apart before my eyes is incomprehendible at times. I have had moments in the past year when I have had thoughts of his death and it takes my breath away. Far from awestruck but mortified. He lay there when the nurse and I took the breathing tube out. I wiped his face and mouth...

I havent written and probably because I dont have alot going on. The girls are well. Missi is still at camp. She snuck a phonecall on Mon night from her cabin and she was sounding happy. Allie is fine she is at a state park today swimming with her friends. Jack is here sleeping next to me and he is well. Andy is finally home from Army camp and has been home all week. I think this is the longest stretch of home time in almost a year. We have had no arguments nor disagreements all week. So I am happy about that. The weather has been an unbearable hot and humid. I have had the boy in the pool almost everyday. He loves it. The house is coming along and the front door is on it. Beautiful. I hope toget back into the swing of writing. It is usually cathartic but with someone else home for a few days I dotnfeel the need as much to vent to total strangers LOL.