Let it go Suz...uhnnn Let her go Suz...

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Girls being silly
Jack exhausted and sleeping.



The time is creeping by without me mentioning it. Everyone else is talking about it but I am not saying much. Today is the end of Tuesday. My girl leaves on Saturday.
I actually will be taking her to college.
You know the imaginary place where our children turn into adults and we no longer worry, love or breathe every breath for and with them.
I have a familiar feeling in my throat.
The one that is a happy but close to tears all the time. I can cry with the thoughts of driving away.
I probably dont have to say much more than driving away.
We have shopped and shopped and talked about this and that except for the driving away.

Today as I was giving Jack his bath and Allie was getting dressed fro her "girls night out" she asked how Sat was going to "work"
I said the anticipated, unpack all the shit, make the bed, get your books, put in the rug, hook up the phone, put money in the account at the bookstore. blah blah blah.

No Mom how is you know the end of the day gonna go. you know ....
When you leave?
Lets figure it out now so I dont lose it then.
Oh dont worry allie youll be fine, lots of new friends, cool campus, hard classes, blah blah blah.
Youll be busy (keep your head down Suz, dont look at her.)
I hear the sound.
Please dont let her be crying I am gonna lose it. I peak up and she is tearing up.
I clamp down hard on the tip of my tongue so to cause pain so I dont burst out into tears.
Oh Allie stop your goonna be fine, busy busy busy....
Here it is..
"Mom, how can you be so cool, dont you care?"
"Arent you gonna miss me at all.?"
Now the way to answer this is to remain calm and do the right hting. I did the right thing. It killed me I truly had pain in my stomach for I had the feeling of pulling a crying child off my skirt at nursery school.
"I will miss you more than words can say, but this is something that has to happen, it is nature babe."
"I am going to cry really hard on Saturday but for every tear that falls I want you to remember to go go go."
She sat on the side of the tub as I counted floating toys, and bit the inside of my mouth and avoided eye contact.
"you want me to go?"
"No... I just want you to live, and that means not being afraid."

We were quiet.

Thank God Jack stood up and pee'd in the tub cuz it was getting thick and I was close to scrubbing her face and putting her in the tub with Jack and then putting all three of them to bed with a movie in the vcr for the night.
She was wearing a taupe cotton dress with a belt that wraps around her waist a whole bunch of times like a egyptian princess kind of dress. She had on these crazy red pumps with taupe and brown print on them. Clean hair, clean face, smells like sunshine.
She kissed me and said see you in the morning.
I said the usual love you, be careful, she says I love you more mama.
I hear the door shut and I cry. Hot tears and sniffling, broken heart cry.
The boy stands up and pats me and says,, oohhhh.
Life goes on.
Lucky me...

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