Flaming June's Love

I know Andy has an intuitive side when it comes to how I am feeling. I see it more everyday. I had been feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the whole house issue and the builders and money and work and baby, and the Paxil. He said that Sunday would be a great day for us that we needed. We jumped into the truck and grabbed the baby and took off. We wandered the poconos and then ended up at about 6 different antique shops and a lovely lunch. We purchased a hand thrown pot vase and I love it. He found a stack of old train magazines and we also purchased a painting similar to Mary Cassatt. We talked and didnt talk. I do like him. I like him he makes me laugh and all that is good. I am lucky. Our boy got his big boy haircut on Saturday I will post some pics of him. Allie had a great time at the prom and came home in one piece. Missi had a date on Saturday night and had a great time. Andy is going out of town on Tues until Friday and then away for the weekend. I ll miss him. I will...

My big girl and her last HS prom. Allie is the first on left. I absolutely loved her choice in dress. She has always had a sense of style different from her friends which is nice. She said print and I thought ok. It is gorgeous. These are her best friends. She has good taste they have been with her for the four years of HS and only A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE. LOL Her boyfriend. He is a good kid. I dont worry too much about her when they are together he is what they call straight edge. He doesnt drink smoke eat processed foods and very environmentally conscious. That is fine with me as long as he takes care of my girl.

A dear friend made a quick observation that with my "awakening" of the good things in my life since being rid of the fog, I may discover an elephant sitting in the middle of the room that hadnt noticed before. Good bad or indifferent it is still an elephant. Here is the thing about the elephant..... I chose the elephant, I wanted the elephant, I fought for the elephant. Now I MIGHT realize I prefer small sweet animals, maybe a quiet little meerkat or leemer or maybe go big and want a chimp. Who the hell asks for a fucking elephant. I think the only people that ask for elephants are the ones that LIKE being overtaken and overshadowed by the huge animal. Elephants are gentle and usually dont attack but the way I understand if you piss them off they will kill you and not think twice about it. They are herbivores but still have monstrous teeth. They will step on you and not feel a single crunch. They charge at you and you dont know what to do but stand still and hope they mis...

Why I titled this pos that I dont know. My brother Rick who lives in New Mexico decided to come in for a quick vacation in PA. My brother Dan is here from Syracuse for the girls confirmation which was last night. Brother Dave is coming in tomorrow for a few days to get the cottage open for the summer. OK do you see a pattern here? We are all together this weekend for the first time since Pop died. Dan and I picked up Rick at the Airport today and there was a funny feeling. If I hug him too long I will cry. If I dont hug him I feel like I am missing something. Today we were all together except Dave for the day. No one mentioned my Dad. The boys got the lawnmowers running and got moms grass cut and groomed. It took all day. We didnt mention HIM once. I think we all realize how close to the surface emotions are and we dont go there. Rick looks old. Since last I saw him he looks wrinkly. Dan looks great, he has been running and lifting weights and of course looks about 25...

Growing up I had probably the smallest yet loveliest bedroom in NJ. My room was painted light pink with the most amazing hot pink trim. The floor was hardwood and the bedroom furniture wasnt a "set" but they were all painted to match. My bed was against the wall and the foot of the bed was at the window. My Mom would come in before I fell asleep and sit at the edge and we would say prayers together. Typical Our Father, Hail Mary, and then the "God Blesses" I would God Bless everyone. I didnt want her to leave. I would end up blessing the neighbors, my teachers, the animals I knew and didnt know. And then last but not least we would say. "And God bless Suzie and help make her a good girl." That was the end of the day. I would close the day by praying to be a good girl. I remembered that the other night as I said prayers with Jack. I also could smell rain long before it arrived. Missi said last night its gonna rain soon. The sky was clear no c...

My hormones are out of control. I think I am going through puberty again. I didnt realize how much my sex drive was affected. Dear lord this guy is hot.

I know my Paxil is wearing off for sure now. I had a coffee fit this am. Yup the kind I used to have when Allie my non sleeping, constant screaming Pain in the ass baby was still a baby. My first husband was a coffee drinker so there was some sympathy. This husband has no clue what full blown addict ion is all about. The closest he got was his Snapple affair he kicked over lent this year. LOL First story first, I couoldnt get my shot together when Allie was a baby. I was breast feeding her but felt that I was still fat, so I went on a coffee diet. NOT GOOD. Breast feeding an infant while mom is on a caffeine diet. I am lucky she is not brain damaged! I was 22 YO so cut me a little slack "perfect mommy readers". This am Jack is calm cool collected, I do the routine, bottle bowl of cheerios and snuggle him up on the ocuch for his goodies and a bit of Barney. I then head for my best friend in the whole wide world before 7 am. Beautiful white, with the brown spatters o...

Did you ever see the movie with Robin Williams? people with sleeping disease, given medication and they wake up? Well Suzie is waking up! 2001- Suzie realizes that her husband of so many years never really loved her, how did she find this out? He told her. He realized after 9?11 that he didnt want his life to end without knowing real love so he wanted to give his relationship a chance with a girl from work. OK so I was always the one with the upper hand in the relationship I THOUGHT. He loved me, just didnt know how to express it. Nope- he just didnt express it cuz he didnt have it for me. I was reeling, I had spent many years believing that he was shallow in the feeling dept and I was going to bring him out. I guess my broken heart came from believing that I was tricked, fooled, decieved for 15 years. Long story I went to my Dr. she and I are on a first name basis because we became friends years before. I lost 15 pounds in two weeks and couldnt stop shaking. She prescribed Paxi...

Quick post about the loss in VA The parents that lost their babies on Monday loved their children as much as I love my own. How do you survive this. I have been praying, in my way of praying. Talking to, Whispering to, crying to, somehow give these families with their loss so immense and immeasurable some peace. Some quiet in their hearts and souls about their loss and the life they will try to go on with. I am struck down with my own changes and feelings lately of change and loss of control. I have to look to others and their burdens in order to take some inventory of my blessings. I decided to keep living, literally continue breathing for these children of mine and the thought of losing one of them is far too much to bear.

Hold to me sweet child Hold to momma's skirt. stay under my shelter dont leave my guard Im too scared to open the gate. As I see your dreams behind your eyes You want to reach to further skies, "you belong to me, along my side, You cant go I will decide." I cant decide, I must subside, Let her fly, let her fly. Be gentle world, To my sweet girl, My sweet girl, my sweet girl. Give her vision of her place in life, Give her courage to survive her strife, Give her patience to achieve her goals, Give me courage to let her go to let her go to let her go

My little girl who it seems like a couple of years ago I couldnt get off my leg, is now graduating from HS. In a few short weeks she will be a "grown" woman. I went to her last concert tonight in HS. She has been in chorus and choir since she was a little one. I always went I love the kids and cant take my eyes off my own. Allie told me she has a par in one of the songs, I was so excited for her but didnt ask what song or how much of a part. Boy was I surprised when they introduced her and she stood at the mic and sang a Sting song. Alone, brave, loud, strong, beautiful. I cried. I cried hard, hot tears with pride that beamed form every pore of my body. I looked up and my child was singing to make herself heard. She wore a green dress, her hair down and green shoes. Her eyes sparkled and she was wonderful. She sings at church and I am so proud but this was different. She had a message. I know a few of my friends read my blog daily and most of them know my girls ...

Youll remember me when the west wind moves Upon the fields of barley Youll forget the sun in his jealous sky As we walk in the fields of gold So she took her love For to gaze awhile Upon the fields of barley In his arms she fell as her hair came down Among the fields of gold Will you stay with me, will you be my love Among the fields of barley Well forget the sun in his jealous sky As we lie in the fields of gold See the west wind move like a lover so Upon the fields of barley Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth Among the fields of gold I never made promises lightly And there have been some that Ive broken But I swear in the days still left Well walk in the fields of gold Well walk in the fields of gold Many years have passed since those summer days Among the fields of barley See the children run as the sun goes down Among the fields of gold Youll remember me when the west wind moves Upon the fields of barley You can tell the sun in his jealous sky When we walked in the fields o...

My oldest brother came to visit us yesterday with his wife. He is a very opinionated man. Defiantly difficult to get along with, and annoying beyond words sometimes. That said I love him very very much. Well he and his wife of 25 years have no children. They have dogs and cats and animals allover the place. That is fine but BUT dont discuss MY CHILDRENS FAULTS as if you know what it is like to have one. dialog. Dave: Suz, Missis she is the dark mall lurker kid I would be afraid if I were you. (chuckle chuckle) Suz: She is not dark she just isnt Allie she doesnt want to be the all americn kind of kid she wants to be different. Dave: Well that she is (sarcasm)... Suz: She is a sweet generous, sensitive child that you dont even know, dont judge her dave. Dave: SHe a devil worshipper laugh laugh sacrificing animals or something LAUGH LAUGH. ME: Shut up dont even say her name if you dont have something positive to say. She does well in school no trouble at all. Sweet friends, s...

The boys by the fire. I so love this and reminds me of my girls at the farm sitting by the fire. They would get out of the tub and hunch down and warm up. Although they were never naked it is still beautiful. I love the light on them. They look warm. Again Mary Cassatt. She captures the look of peace on a babies face. A beautiful one I may buy a print for the house and put it .... somewhere. ME ME ME ME I want this to be me me me.

Children And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." And he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also...

the boy dirty and playing in the dirt and rocks with a runny nose and sooo gorgeous If you know Andy I see him in this picture, first time really. Do you? My men at Edwards playing in the dirt and rocks. We had fun the hole someday our home

There are people that come along in our lives and they seem to Pop up at just the right time. Are they there for us or do we have a purpose in their lives? I dont know but I am grateful to hear from a few people lately. Jim- a former student of mine that I write to about once every six months. He sent me a note the other day and I caught him up on our family. Got a note back and he is going to be a daddy this summer. He is a year older than I am and this is his first child. I am so excited for him and his wife. He was someone I met between Tim and Andy but we never dated. We laughed our heads off and had really similar likes and so on but something just wasnt there. I am glad now becasue he is happy and I am too. I got a quick note from someone else that I only hear from sporadically. We have a relationship that is sporadic at best. I always enjoyed her notes and writing but we cant seem to pull together a friendship. What is meant to be will be. I do enjoy her and her w...

So this is a picture of heaven according to someone at nasa. Im down with that idea looks ok. IS this Jesus? Is He the son of God, the salvation and one way to heaven. This is what he looks like in Suzidom Lots and Lots of flowers. My heaven blooms of every color. Trees with leaves that change the colors of fall but never fall off. Breezes that blow cool in your face but warm and comforting on your body. Midnight blue skies at night with stars that look out into the lives of the people on earth so I can peek an see hows it going for everyone. I dream that I can fly sometimes. I would like that in heaven. coasting, floating, easy blowing wind. above trees. I hope for paints of everycolor and brushes that dont ever need cleaning. canvas' that are of abundant sizes and textures. People that want them when I am done and are happy to have. Children babies without mothers. I will love them hold them nurse them and sing rock and love them until their mommies come. Then I get ...

Yup my friend Ruth the other night asked if Jack had had the flu yet. No not yet knock on wood. Well didnt the devil heart me knock and on Wednesday night the poor bugger puked up dinner. We thought it was just Dad and the boy roughhousing so we calmed down and then it started. Turkey rice and carrots spewed all over the place. The poor kid didnt know what to do with himself. He would start to gag and then run. Me chasing behind with a bucket attempting to catch vomit. Then started the crying and fever. I gave him advil and puke. Pedialyte, puke. sleep, cry, puke, repeat. My poor bugger. anyway today was the first decent day since then. One really loose stool and 50% appetite, no fever. Neither of us or say the three of us have slept decent since then so I hope tonight will be the first. OK wqith me now the latest. I have been on Paxil, which is an antianxiety, antidepressant for many years. I really dont need it but the withdrawal from this "non habit forming...

Dropped off the boy at daycare today and he didnt look back. Andy and I stood there almost ready to cry, both of us! and he went to his room and sat in a corner with three other kids and picked up some blocks and started to play. We kept saying bye bye bye. he kept playing and not turning back. My day went great. Ive still got it. The class went off without a hitch. Students were great and just like it never lapsed. ANdy and I went out for lunch together. It so brought me back to when we were dating. We used to meet for lunch and when we werent having nooners at his apartment we went for lunch and read all the papers together. We read the papers today. slowly scanning a reading all the articles of interest to the end. No baby yelling no prechewing food or checking for temp!. It was nice. We then went to the house site. We now have a fifty foot square 12 foot deep hole. Yeah its official a house will be there. Andy was so excited that he couldnt keep away. He brought th...

Me and my babies from a childrens book with amazing poetry. Mother earth sending her child Autumn to bed. Beautiful for Susan Beautiful concept and I love this one.

Tomorrow after a long hiatus I return to the classroom. Yup, the classroom. I left teaching in 2004. Worked in Dialysis for one year and had the baby heart attack and so on. I am now returning to the workforce and thought the best place to start was where I felt my best. I loved teaching. I am really really anxious though. I have my lesson plan about ready although I could teach it by memory at one time. I have to prepare. Big time work hours I tell you. 830 to 1130. Mon and Wed. to start. pathetic but true. I will work up to more I have to make sure I still have some brain cells left. Here is the kicker. the boy is going to preschool tomorrow. I will be dropping off the child I dont let strangers touch. I dont let some of my relatives either LOL. I will leave him at daycare tomorrow with complete strangers. 8 am to 3. mon and wed. He loved visiting hugging everyone saying love you. love you.running around. I will need to let him go in the am. let him go let him ...