Flaming June's Love

She appears to be looking at me- she knows everything and says its ok. Do the best you can and everything will be alright. This is a photo of a stained glass window. I found it obscurely and love her. She might be a little sad but that is her. all is well.

I guess I should know my life is pretty good if my blog entry is about my sons runny nose. Ho woke up yesterday with the rosy cheeks of sickness. If you have a child with the telltale just "slapped cheeks with fever" you know how pitiful they look. Runny nose red cheeks, cough, and just miserable attitude. I attempt to approach the boy with a tissue for the river of snot on his upper lip, he grabs what he is doing and goes the other way, running in his 15 month old way! Of course he is voicing his distaste for anything tissuelike approaching anywhere near his face by verbalizing his fathers familiar gggrrrrrrr.. Currently he is watching Sesame drinking a bottle of water and pretty content. Andy is in NYC this week and working hard. He is considering changing his job to something so he wont be away so often. We are in process of rearranging some money inorder to buy a home and I am concerned that a change will affect our loan possibilities. Anyway Andy has always bee...

Im not in the mood tonight. For writing, talking, laughing, sex, and most of all Christmas. Music everywhere. Ill be home for Christmas. hmmmm I dont think so.

I have a date tonight!!!! Yup I am meeting with my Mom and cousins and Aunt for a night of poker with the girls. We did this about a month ago and we were all so happy to spend some time together that we were out til after 1 am. I enjoy all of their company and we inherently laugh most of the night reminiscing. Isnt it intersting how the family that is in another generration nopw dont seem to be that much older we all go together after a certain point. I think it is 40. yup that is the turning point. I am playing cards tonight with my aunt who is in her 80's and then all the way down to me. with 12 in between. It sounds corny but I enjoythem. I am now begining the christmas stuff. I mentioned the outside christmas lights to Andy and he got them out for me. I usually cant wait to get them up but I am a little slow this year but have resigned myself to the "fake it til you make it" theory. Fake being jolly, merry and filled with yule (whatever that is) until I rea...

I am thankful: I have been loved by someone everysingle minute of my life. I came to that conclusion today. I was feeling sorry for myself and sad for what I am missing or moreso who I am missing. I then began trying to "count my blessings" I have been loved every second of my life. I may not have been lovable but as a parent I KNOW I have been loved by my parents. I have loved my siblings everysecond of my life. As have they me. My kids have loved me though they may not know it right now! My husbands yes both of them have loved me. they always will. I can think of three friends that I could ask right now if they LOVE me they would say yes. Now I know that I have been in Love with people or loved qualities about them, but to truly love someone else never goes away. Did I fall out of love with Tim, my first husband, NO it just changed. I will always love him. Look at what we did together!!!!! these two girls that have the world at their fingertips because of their bra...

OK My best friend went to the "card lady" last night. You know the lady that has you shuffle the cards and choose one then tells you something good bad and indifferent about your past present and future! OK I believe in it when I like what she says, and phooey the whole thing when she isnt quite on the button. I choose to believe this time. Amy brought the tape over to myhouse so Icould hear what the woman had to say. She mentioned her (amy's) friend that has a irthday in June, Me and probably two others. Anyway the one who lost their father recently (Thats me!!!!) He is sad he cant comfort me but is waiting until I am stronger to visit (visit) with me. I may smell him in the meantime in the house or out soometime, just to let me know he is watching and he is fine. He remarked (yes he remarked!) that I was the apple of his eye and realizes I am hurting but I have to go through this. Interestingly I found some comfort in these messages. I think anything is comf...

Its been a few days since I posted, not that I m terribly busy but I do have things going on in my life. Today is Melissa's 15th birthday. I remember today as a cold dark morning tha I had to be at the hospital early for a shceduled C-section. Tim and I arrived and everything went beautifully. Until first the OB announced as he was delivering her head "W'eve got a boys face...Looks pretty boyish Tim..... Its a girl!!!!" He said OUT LOUD!!! AH SHIT!! I should have divorced him that day right there and then. I was sorta out of it and didnt hear the baby cry at first. waiting waiting waiting..... Tim was at my head and his tone changed to everything is going to be ok, its gonna be ok really. Turns out she aspirated upon delivery and was in respiratory distress. Our little pumpkin was blue and not moving. They rushed her out and intubated her quickly and flew her to CMC in Scranton. Iwas at Pocono where I was working at the time. My Mom was at our house i...

Okay I made a really excellent chicken dish for dinner, I found the jackdaniels barbecue recipe and did up a chicken for my family and my neighbors family. My friend at least the past 15 years whose daughter is the same age as mine, was diagnosed with colon cancer last January. They gave her three months since she let it go so long and here she is hanging in there but very tired and thin weak. I make enough for her and me her kids and mine. It is the least I can do for her. She stood by me when I went thrrough my divorce, always a shoulder tpo cry on and then was around for all the drama with Andy before we got married and so forth. She is one person I talk to everyday and look forward to the same talk everyevening. Dinner, the kids, husbands, what the baby is up to and "how we are feeling really." She is only fifty years old and can see the end is near. We dont actually tal;k abaout the end but she cries about not seeing her granchildren. I love her like a sister...

I read all of my posts and boy do I sound like a bummer. Truly I am not this down and out. But as I stated in the begining I will write what I want when.... This past weekend I went to Penn Stae with my oldest daughter and her boyfriend to a football game and then out for dinner and a few beers. (me not them OLOL) I was very (very) excited to meet a few guys that were in their late thirties and forties that wanted me to hang out with them at the bar. Here is how it went.... I went to the ladies room and had to walk past thebarto get back to our table. On the way I knocked a oat on the floor. A gentlemen made a joke I a chatted back and we just started talking. The game, why I was here , who I was with? "You two look like sisters, LOL LOL" I believe I was glowing truly radiant light pouring out of the top of my head. My quick wit and charm LOL just came right back to me. The other guys said lets grab a barstool for you sit with us... " OH GOD what did I do!" On no t...

Yes, I am. I am hurting still. I feel empty at times and wonder where does life go from here for ME. OK we all know "I have my children" husband, health, dog, I am grateful. BUT I want that one person that laughs when I say shnikeys. If I told him I was thinking about opening a business he would research it for me. Knowing full well that I have had many ideas in the past that dont work out, he encouraged me. Dad, POP, where exactly are you? Andy and I and the baby went to Barnes and Noble tonight. As usual I am in the grief, recovery section. Meander over to the m,usic and then hit the new in paperback section. I browse the cookbooks. (Christmas the Paula Deene holiday book) And wine for dummies. I got a pumpkin decaf latte' And purchased Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. I hope it has the answers I am looking for. 1. I need to come to terms with this situation, hes not coming back is he? 2. Where the hell is he exactly if he is not coming back. 3. ...

Sunday morning quiet... Jack and I are ready for the day since his internal clock seems to like 6:00 lately. It is early but not as early as if I had to go to a real job. Some one out there could consider me a Politcally correct ignoramus but I have been in both places. A stay at home mom and a working mom and trust me staying home is much easier!!!! I was working in Dialysis prior to Jacks birth. I haad to be there at 5:30 am and was there until 4:30. I was on my feet 90% of the time and was feeling incredible amounts of stress. I cant imagine having to go there and still come home to a one year old. I am truly blessed. I havent talked much about my husband. Here it is I am married to a man named Andy. He is 6'2" dark salt and pepper hair, brown eyes, dimples, beautiful teeth and a presence that demands attention. That is one of the first things I thought when I saw him. "This guy is a character and a half" He is active in local politics, and the inside w...

I think the loss of my dad is becoming.... something else. I have been absorbed by thoughts of what we were and how we lived. I am now reminiscing a bit about those last few weeks. Could I have done anything different? NO. That man in the bed truly was my father. I am a registered nurse if you didnt already know and the condition of his body those last few days was horrid. Ventilator, central line in the neck and arm. Dialysis ports in the groin. NG tube in his nose. foley cath for urine, rectal tube for feces. horrible. and I never saw this man sick with more than a cold. How did this happen? where did this event begin and how the hell did it end this way. We talked to him for 17 days while the drs continued to tell us he would get better. they gave him a paralytic so he couldnt fight the vent and attempt to pull out his tubes. Did this break his courage. Nope I could see him in there the whole time. His soul was alive, he could hear us. I know when he gave up, it was ...

Wednesday all ready how time flies. Halloween was very nice with the children. Missi the middle child invited about 10 of her friends over prior to trick or treating and I truly enjoyed their company. She and her friends are the "smart, quirky" kids. I picture them as the ones you dont necessarily notice in high school but wehn these kids hit college man look out they will hit their stride. Smart, sharp, witty, unshaken by their differences. I love that in people. Have you met people that hit their prime already and now they are just hanging on. Whether they were HS athletes, or whatever. That is not this crowd. Allie my older daughter has friends that have hit their prime or are already in them. One in particular. She is so wrapped up in the HS drama that the college life I believe will just swallow her up. Allie will hit her stride Im thinking after college. In the work world and probably late twenties early thirties. She is just exceptionally pretty. I am n...