Flaming June's Love

To whom it may concern: I am enclosing in this letter one shred of my soul. Please be aware that this small scrap is one of the last that I posess and will be looking forward to getting it back someday. Why you may ask am I sending it to you and your valuable staff? I want to be sure that when and if the time comes that I again feel empty and used up I can be sure to find that small piece. I am hoping that you will be able to return this piece to me whether it be in one day or years from now. I would like to inventory this piece by identfying its finer points. This piece of me contains self confidence, intelligence, a wickedly sharp sense of humor, flirtatiousness, intense sensuality and most of all passion. Passion in all senses of the word. Passion for love, life, people, art, literature and most of all music. I will label this piece sfp. Suzies finer points. I am working on generating more "soul" but if it does not succeed I will take comfort in knowing you pos...

I had two people respond and graciously give me advice on my "dad in the box" issue. I do spend about an hour parusing blogs during the day and often forget that there are people real people behind those words. I think as americans we spend so much time on the line of real and drama tv that personally I can have moments of "Are they real?" These two comments were real. two people that have lsot in their lives as well and I so appreciate their insight. Thank You . Her is the plan for the weekend. Take the fifteen year old daughter to Valley Forge PA to a convention with two of her friends. It is an Anime convention and if I have to explain just shoot me dead in my tracks. Missi isa very artistic young woman and loves the asian influence of artists in animation. It is truly a "movement" now Characters that have depth and real attitude. So as a Birthday gift I will take her and two of her friends to a hotel tonight swimming pool dinner movies kind o...

Well that familiar tooth third from the back on the right lower is gone. It is now in a little bag on the shelf in the kitchen. Why you may ask is it there>? Hell if I know. Does anyone have a loved one that was cremated? If so write back and give me some suggestions on how to deal with the fact that my father all 210 pounds of him that I loved for forty years every freckle scar and sparkle in his eye is now ina box on the shelf in my moms room. I believe that his spirit is "somewhere else" but stiill his body all that I reference to him being him is in that box. Im a tangled emotional mess. I would visit him often if he was in a cemetary and could bring him flowers and notes pictures just between us, but with him in that BOX (YES SOME ANGER HERE BOX!!!!) I am stunted feel like I dont want to upset anyone so I dont go up there. Now the cremation was my dads idea and we did everything he wanted. But yikers. Show me a place where I can just specific spot to crunch do...

My last post was in a bad space for me... I am still fat but hey thats ok for today. 9not really but Im dealing) My husband is a salesman and is on the road most of the week. Last week he had to be ib oston for a few days and asked if I wanted to come along.I had never been so the boychek and I went along. We truly had a nice time. CXhildrens museum, BMA, Regatta, great pubs to look into the windows of, great food and cool p[eople watching. I enjoyed it. Only bad part was I had the worst toothache of my life. I am terrible about going to the dentist and no one can tell I have bad teeth other than my dentist. So 1030 tues am it wqill be yanked. I am feeling good on the inside and know I am going to be ok. Missing you Dad. Loving my kids more everyday. Learning more about my husband everyday and I like him!!!! yeah.

OK so I am talking to myself today and we decided that I am no longer me. truly I am not me anymore and I think I wouldnt recognize myself if I met me 5 years ago. OK here goes. I am decidedly fat. I have never been fat. always the tall glamorous looking one. not bragging but truthfully. I still love clothes but nothing looks good on me. I feel fat and look worse I think. This by the way has nothing to do with my husband he is attentive to me sexually and all too eager to satisfy me in any way he can. He is enthusiastic about my body and has me convinced he is happy. He has paid for me to got o the gym aand I have a membership I just havent gone. why ??? babysitter, partly, depressed "I am fat just live with it." Lazy yes. sad yes. I think I have to just go and not contemplate what else I could be doing other than walking on the treadmill. I will make an effort tomorrow. I promise. second thought for the day, No one will ever meet my dad and say so that i...

To regret something means to me that you would change the occasion or outcome of an event. Well I regret since 1991. I have always lived with the belief that things happen for a reason but I am feeling ;like a trainwreck lately. I am grieving the loss of my father, yet I am also grieving the loss of at least the first half of my life. I am not what I had hoped to be. Singularly, me, alone, I am not what I wanted to be. I do have alot of gratitude for the childrren never regret them or their outcome. If I have had anything to do with their successes I would be grateful. I would have been seems futile at this point-What I intend to be seems more hopeful and optimistic huh? I have days when I want to run with my son and sell everything and ge4t a tiny apartment and just "be". Then other days I am happy with the wife mom position. Prior to meeting my second husband I haaaad plans to graduate my girls and sell it all and move to a city with just a bicycle as a mode of t...

How does today look so far? okay from here. Andy will be back today which is a good thing. Tonight is the homecoming bonfire at the girls school and Allie is in the homecoming court-- okay for those of you not up to speed on your HS stuff LOL that means that she was chosen by her senior class to be one of the five girls in the running for homecoming queen! Is that exciting or not! I could be the queen mum!!!!! All the more reason to get out and gwet something new for Jack and I for saturday nights football game. I am feeling better following my last post. I was very upset by the comments made on the womans site but I realize that is done now. Not too much else going on just going to jump into the shower now and get ready for the day.

I have had a beautiful wekend. Right now Jack is happily watching Sesame street Missi is sleeping soundly on the couch , My husband is sleeping and here I am recounting the good things in my life. Have all things been good and great no not always. Have I made mistakes absolutely. regrets..? yes. Can I change them nope.. learn alot..? yes. To make a long story short, after having a broken heart and truly being broken, I confided in someone I thought was a friend. And actually up until this morning I still thought waas friend. We had been through something that only women can understand. cheating husbands and boyfriends. The view and emotional damage attached to that is not the same as effects for men. Anyway, she and I compared notes, shared feelings and I thought got past some of the hurt TOGETHER. When you are hurting like that you can make some bad choices and even not see people for what and who they are even though people tell you they are bad. Iwas warned, given exampl...