Flaming June's Love

There is no time line, just TIME. The pictures are from the spot my Dad wanted his ashes spread. Mom and I went last week to take a peek and possibly purchase a tree in his memory at the hole on the golfcourse. OK so this is your view Dad. I hope that you see it more than once a day from your vantage point. I held up the camera and clicked away. I wanted to see you somewhere in the shadows of the trees, in the patterns of grass, or flight of birds. I didnt see you. I did see a beautiful spot of earth. I saw why you loved it so much and why you would want this to be a final resting place for you. Although your "dust" or "parts" are not there, I believe there was a wisp of your spirit in the air. That is ok for me. Ill take it. It is now a place to go for you. Someplace that I finally feel you ARE. I'll be visiting again real soon.

The time is here again. The fist time I did this I thought that by this time I would be soooo used to the "letting go" part. I probably would have been. But so much has changed in the year and half since Allie came home from college. I have come to know her. To say we are without our difference would be a lie. We bicker and twist with one another almost everyday. But I also know she is my line to reminding me "Im ok" I have to again let go and let it happen. Just lay back and let Life move. forward. She is only two hours away and I know with Kendall in her heart at this point she will be home often enough. I feel anticipatory preemptive cryfest. I am doing it when no one is looking. I am doing it with my eyes closed, my heart beating and with a tighter grip on my Missi and Jack. I want to let go, and smile. I am practicing as we speak. I am letting go right now, right now.... ok Ill let go... in the morning.

So 1460 days have passed since my "last day". August 18th 2005 started out as a day to be happy our boy would be coming home the next day from the hospital. He was small and a little bit stingey in the breathing department when he first arrived, but he was all around ready to go. I had breast fed him around 3 pm that day. My milk was just about fully in so I was feeling some relief about that. By 5 I wasn't feeling very well I had been having some concerning symptoms but wrote them off as indigestion and gas form the c section. My pressure was elevated but no one else seemed terribly concerned and I was totally into our new boy... so. The rest of the story is starting to become foggy. I plan on writing it all out real soon. I know there are some oddities that I need to definitely write somewhere, I just had too good of a day to rehash it all now. I was thinking the other day that I needed or wanted to write all the good things I have had, done, seen, enjoyed since...

Why I was sitting in an Algebra class when I would never ever use the information was beyond me. I sat at the desk with the "not wood", yet "not plastic" writing surface. It was easily scratched since the thin veneer could be removed with the clip of an ink pen. I never wrote anything into it since, I never had much to say to the High School population. The desk held commentary concerning the teacher standing in the front of the class. According to the desk she was a shithead. I didnt see it myself, she seemed nice enough, a friendly smile, new slipper ballet shoes and obliged me by never calling on me. I had just returned from my mid morning smoke break. I would leave every class and meet Amy by the blue door for a 3 minute Parliament. We created smoke breaks as Sophomores in HS. Ten minutes into every new class we would sheepishly ask for a bathroom pass, since neither of us were notorious we received our pass and clogged our way to the second blue door, ...

We had a nice day with Danny. The food was good, everyone seemed to get along and we were ALMOST all here. My brother Rick and his family live in NM, that is a long way away. He called and wished Danny a welcome home and everything good phonecall. That is a good thing. Dannys buddies from Penn State came and they all hung outside and in the garage. There was the traditional beer pong. Of course with designated drivers. Missi and Allie were playing along with Peep and their guys. A few of the cousins showed up, along with Aunt Cathy and Ella. Jack was a great boy and behaved well. He is getting so big anymore. I am really starting to think I might keep him til his fourth birthday which is Saturday. (i am kidding btw.) My brother Dan was good, in his quiet watchful way. Dave was chatting and excited to share his finds. Mom was busy watching Dannys video of graduation and just enjoying all the company I think. The kids got lottery tickets because we really thought that this wa...

Tomorrow is our party. It is going to be sweet. We went to he airport last night and greeted him, he was taller, thinner, tanner and something... else. My brother was giving us a few stories that he shared with them and it was enlightening. He has video to share with us tomorrow and I am looking forward to that. I want him to know how much we love him. How much he is loved everyday. Dan shared that Danny got through the training without much difficulty. He was tough and followed directions and got through it. I am so proud. Hope he enjoys OUR time together tomorrow. I will take lots and lots of pictures to share with the rest of the gang in NM. Tomorrow is three years. Tomorrow he will be more with us than ever before. I know what this experience would have meant to our Dad. I like to think that Dannys courage got him through the difficulty of his Parris Island. I also like to think that his Grandfathers were there giving him a little bit more when he needed it. Pop, I hope you...