Flaming June's Love

Girls being silly Jack exhausted and sleeping. The time is creeping by without me mentioning it. Everyone else is talking about it but I am not saying much. Today is the end of Tuesday. My girl leaves on Saturday. I actually will be taking her to college. You know the imaginary place where our children turn into adults and we no longer worry, love or breathe every breath for and with them. I have a familiar feeling in my throat. The one that is a happy but close to tears all the time. I can cry with the thoughts of driving away. I probably dont have to say much more than driving away. We have shopped and shopped and talked about this and that except for the driving away. Today as I was giving Jack his bath and Allie was getting dressed fro her "girls night out" she asked how Sat was going to "work" I said the anticipated, unpack all the shit, make the bed, get your books, put in the rug, hook up the phone, put money in the account at the bookstore. blah blah bl...

Here we are two years later. I dont recall this moment that clearly but I do know that everything hurt EXCEPT my heart. I was so deeply in love with this boy in my arms at the time that all the STUFF going in and out of me was secondary. I can now look in the mirror and see the scar down my chest and in my neck and arms and leg and remember, but the newborn three days old is tangible. He is the running whirling durvish with the smile that glows from the inside out. I do know that this is a photo of the first time I saw him after the whole "thing". I believe this is a bout three days after the actual surgery. I was still in the ICU and just up in the chair for the first time. I can look at this picture and remember.... but I can also forget. I really want to take care of myself. I dont want to go through this again anytime soon. My boy really needs me. As do my girls. They need me, but I mus admit. I dont want to leave my Andy. I feel like he is my reward sometimes ...

This painting has always "spoken:" to me. And I am not trying to sound like something Im not by using that adjective. It says volumes. Her face, his face, her dress, the background. I see her as a young girl with no idea how beautiful she is and he is a man dreaming of his youth. Her dress is moving and swirling swooshing the leaves along their way. The people in the background pretending not to notice this beautiful girl. It is a cool 65 ish today and not getting much warmer. A breeze blowing that is so fresh and I love everything about it. All the windows are open and I am feeling some better today. I am coughing up some of the grossest stuff on the planet but its all good. We are planning on going to get some things for the house today. Paint and some extras .

I spent my entire summer anticipating the show So You think you can dance. I love every second of it. Last night was the finale. The best part was all the contestants came back for the show. awesome. And they are on tour in the fall and will be at out arena. I so want to go. I voted for Danny. But Sabra won. Its all good though they will all be successful.

Had my checkup and all is well with the ole' ticker. My cardiologist is always sure to remind me how serious I was and that He hasnt had that much excitement or anxiety.... EVER.. Allie insisted on going this time I think so she coukld leave for school with a clear mind. He asked if she knew how "touch and go" her Mom was. She said yes and then went on to tell him that I eat all the junk I shouldnt and I dont exercise and for him to talk some sense into me. He just looked at me and then back to her and said. "She knows" I cried. right there in the office. We went for lunch there. Now to get an idea of this hospitals size. We have valet parking. There is acres and acres of parking. Burn unit, Nicu, open hear center, wings of mental health, everything it is huge. People of every color shape and size. Its like a trip to I dont know a museum maybe. Babies, old people, amazing. I actually love visiting the place just not the memories. They play a shor...