Flaming June's Love

My Dad is dead. truly gone and not coming back whether it is one year to the day or twenty. I want to have FAITH. Faith is supposed to be where you believe in something without needing actual proof. Do I have FAITH in the idea that I will someday see my Dad again and hear him say tha he forgives me for whatever I may have done wrong in his care. My family has all reassured me that I did everything right. I did all the checks and balances I was capable of at the time. I think I knew he wouldnt survive. I remember my mom calling and saying dad had a slight heart attack but was fine and just sitting in the er waiting to go home. I left my house and told Andy I am not ready to lose him. How the whole thing fell apart before my eyes is incomprehendible at times. I have had moments in the past year when I have had thoughts of his death and it takes my breath away. Far from awestruck but mortified. He lay there when the nurse and I took the breathing tube out. I wiped his face and mouth...

I havent written and probably because I dont have alot going on. The girls are well. Missi is still at camp. She snuck a phonecall on Mon night from her cabin and she was sounding happy. Allie is fine she is at a state park today swimming with her friends. Jack is here sleeping next to me and he is well. Andy is finally home from Army camp and has been home all week. I think this is the longest stretch of home time in almost a year. We have had no arguments nor disagreements all week. So I am happy about that. The weather has been an unbearable hot and humid. I have had the boy in the pool almost everyday. He loves it. The house is coming along and the front door is on it. Beautiful. I hope toget back into the swing of writing. It is usually cathartic but with someone else home for a few days I dotnfeel the need as much to vent to total strangers LOL.

"keep the Peace" KTP MY Dads consistent saying he would shake your hand goodbye and say hey buddy Keep the Peace. Allie always loved it and says it herself. So there it is all black dye under the first few layers of skin on the back of my perfect childs neck. I asked her if this was absolutely necessary. She said yes. She is eighteen. She made the appointment months ago. Its a done deal now. She didnt flinch.

The kids went swimming tonight and then helped by cutting the grass. They are good girls. So here are my three kids snuggled up after swimming and warming up. I could just slide into the middle of these three and breathe them all in. You know the smells that people have that identifies them? Well my three all have their own distinctive scents. Now it sounds gross but truly they smell soooo good. I sniff Jacks hair and it is so sweet, a lttle foodlike and sweat in a baby kinda way. Missi is always smelling like a morning of deep sleep. Warm blankets, cozy pillows, my favorite jammies. That is Missi. Allie is the scent of morning but different morning-rain shower, sweet, sugary. I am really something lately so meloncholy I guess the word is. My friend Sue said my writing cuts her deeply. How can I expose myself so easily- I dont think I am exposing anything really, I dont even think about who reads this. I just write and feel better. I turn off the computer and I go on ...

Had to throw this one in. Me at 18. Big hair blue eyeliner. 1984. LOL Allie at 13 Top pic Allies 12th birthday i remember thinking how grownup she looked. The girls together Allie 13 Missi 11. Allie will be eighteen tomorrow. July 27th 1989. Yesterday but forever. Greatest most terrifying moments in my life. In moments I went from loving myself to loving someone else. Truly knowing I loved someone else enough to give myself up to whatever may come without hesitation. Not to mention the bugger didnt sleep for the first two years. I have a few pics I added with the scanner tonight I hope they do justice to time, love, beauty, devotion, adoration, pride, and motherhood. Go fly to the world and show them all why I love you so very much.

View from the left side of the house. The door on the far left is the dining room and will be one entrance to the wrap around porch to the front door. The individual panes int he upper windows will be in the lower windows when they are totally installed. The BIG window. I really didnt want this window I didnt think it fit the whole victorian theme being round at the top, but I truly lov eit now. Can you see it? this is the front foyer. The stairs in front of you to the second floor. straight back is another set of windows like the front that is going to be a window seat in the breakfast nook. Looks really good doesnt it? Sometimes I wonder.

Jack and Raspberries. This was taken a few days ago so I can tell you that outfit is long gone since the stains were truly impossible. Jacl fell asleep on Daddys leg like this So Andy reached the camera and took this. I think it is so cute and really peaceful. The girls this am goofing araound about Allie leaving for college. Missi pretending to be crying. I think her tears are closer to the surface than she likes to admit. My friend Ruby!!!!!!! THIS IS THE CONSISTENCY of the yard!!!!!!!!! This is the status of the front yard at the moment. See the hill.... yeah. big problem. Windows definately go in tomorrow. There is about 13 grand of windows in the house now, sitting on the floors. He put boards up around the windows and doors sure hope no one decides to take a peak in there or they will be gone. I am feeling pretty good today. Time goes by whether you want it to or not. I have so much to be grateful for. My friend lost her sister at the age of 38 to breast cancer. Her ...