Flaming June's Love

I have always loved this osng. Everyday that passes makes me love my babes even more. If its even possible. I have been struggling with the inability to control things in my life. I want people, places, expereinces, feelings to all be the way I want them to be. Pretty sure thats normal, but I am used to being able to do that!  whether its by design or just will! Now that I am getting older I find that I'm not always in control anymore. I have to "Let go and let God." Yeah sounds great when you tell it to someone else but ... I dont like it now for myself. I dont want to "LET GO" No. I cant. I have overwhelming anxiety, like a voice in my head telling me "Screw it, youre dead soon anyway." Then my heart kicks inand says "What about my babes, Jack especially, and baby Owen?  AM I irreplaceable?  Can I just WANT them to get over me quickly and find the new normal?" Isn't this a description of the saddest Martyr ever? I...

Marriage isnt all its cracked up to be. I learned that the first time around and Ive learned it again the second time. Difference is though.... This time, I have been more pleasantly surprised by who this man has turned into than I ever expected. My "event" last week really held a mirror up to my face and made me ask the question "are you ready to go?" I dont want to go.  I want to see my Jack grow up a bit more, and see my baby owen a bit longer. I love my husband, It has been hard to come to grips with that fact sometimes, but he is the love of my life. I have loved ALOT in my life, hahhahaha But Andy has proven to be far beyond anything I could have imagined. He is an excellent father  attentive to Jack. He loves my girls and the son in laws and of course Owen beyond words. He loves and cares for my Mother. Is it perfect, no way. But when it comes to caring for me, he is the man. He truly loves me.  Some have never had that feeling.  I know in my h...

Jack and I were snuggled up the other night when Andy was away on business.  We were watching NatGeo channel and they were talking about the Incans civilizationand how they buried their favorite things with them.  Jack said  "Mom, do you remember the day before Honeydog died? it was just a regular day and we didnt even know it was the last regular day.  She was under the table like she always was while I did my homework and I pet her with my foot and we were happy.  I didnt play with her or do anything special with her that day.  Then she was gone.  We didnt even know our lives were going to change." We talked about Honey and that she was a happy dog, and lived a long good life with us.  She didnt need a big sendoff, she had lived life everyday loving us.  In her simple doggy ways.  We loved her in our simple everyday Honey dog family ways.  He cried.  He talked about not knowing his Pop, how his life would be different ha...

Yes its been a while. My only excuse is FB stole my groove. The daily thoughts and events that used to fill this blogg now get condensed and white washed inorder to share them quickly on FB. I find my life is too big for that anymore, along with FB is filled with fakers. Yes they like yoour life, post, food, vacation, dog, babies. But then its over. I need to feel a connection, even if its only a few people, I need to purge to people that like it! So my list of upcoming posts Owen Reilly... Allie, Missi and Jack Jack, Jack and more Jack Heart disease Dying ( a common thread, wherever I am) Living My mother and brothers. My Andy, the man I hate to love and love to love.  yes the dichotomy of it all. MS and all that it entails Lesbians, Homosexuals and what that means to me now, then, and daily. Donald Trump;;; My music lately books Im reading and writing in my head. My ex husband. If you read along with the lawt 10 or so years when I was active, you see that ...