and then... it all changed.
Jack and I were snuggled up the other night when Andy was away on business. We were watching NatGeo channel and they were talking about the Incans civilizationand how they buried their favorite things with them.
Jack said "Mom, do you remember the day before Honeydog died? it was just a regular day and we didnt even know it was the last regular day. She was under the table like she always was while I did my homework and I pet her with my foot and we were happy. I didnt play with her or do anything special with her that day. Then she was gone. We didnt even know our lives were going to change."
We talked about Honey and that she was a happy dog, and lived a long good life with us. She didnt need a big sendoff, she had lived life everyday loving us. In her simple doggy ways. We loved her in our simple everyday Honey dog family ways.
He cried. He talked about not knowing his Pop, how his life would be different had he been with us. He talked about how he wished he remembered him, since there are a few pictures of them together. He talked about how one day Nana is here and who knows maybe tomorrow she will be gone. Or you Mommy, you could be gone any minute, or daddy and what will happen to me>?
I rememebr all of these thoughts as a child. Excpept I didnt verbalize them, I stewed overthem and made plans of how "if I do well on the next test, everyone will be alright for another day." or
"If I can jump two blocks of this sidewalk everythin will be ok."
Of course followed by my success or failure and the inevitable guilt that comes from beleiving you can control the entire universe and its inhabitants byt the grade ona test or strength of a ten year old girls jump.
I related to Jack the concept of Heaven and that all of the people we love are waiting there for us so we can all be together again after we pass from this life to the next.
That faith is beleiving in things that cannot be proven or seen. Our faith tells us thre is a heaven and we are going to beleive.
"What of there isnt a heaven? and when we die I never ever see you again, or get to hug you, snuggle you, smell you, hear your voice?"
The words hit hard in the pit of my stomach then bounced around my heart like tiny pin sized arrows that left burning holes of fear, doubt, grief, and terror.
The feelings of being all torn up from the loss of my Dad and all that I felt and continue to feel daily. Why is it that I dont think my child can have these feelings? Just as deep and horriifying as I can? He was sobbing and clutching. I was weepy and struggling for words.
The best I could do.
I am holding you now, you can hear me now, we are snuggling and I am listening now.
Whent he day comes that we cant do these things together, close your eyes, take deep deep breaths and remember this moment. This moment is filled with all of my love for you, enough love to last until youre an old old man. Enough love for your wife someday and your children and your grandchildren. Thats how much I have for you all bound up inside me for you. Its enough forever.
I would like to believe we will all be together again someday, so wherever I go after I die, is where you will go after you die. Wherever that is.
If I can be where you are I will always go there.
We hugged and snuggled he stopped crying and it seemed to work. He was comforted.
He fell asleep.
I did not, I waited for the baby breathing to start with the Jack snore.
Then I lost it, I cried long hot deep scary tears.
Like when I was a kid, afraid.
How do answer these questions? I told myself to be as honest as I can be, dont lie, and share the love I have NOW.
YOU NEED TO DO THE SAME.
Let go of those moments you DIDN"T do something and make a moment now where you CAN do something.
Say the words, hold the hand, smile at the stanger, buy the card, send the text.
I am going to love my babies.. all of them as much as I can.
Because the love I show them now is whaqt they will cling to later. Because there is enough for all of them. forebber
Jack said "Mom, do you remember the day before Honeydog died? it was just a regular day and we didnt even know it was the last regular day. She was under the table like she always was while I did my homework and I pet her with my foot and we were happy. I didnt play with her or do anything special with her that day. Then she was gone. We didnt even know our lives were going to change."
We talked about Honey and that she was a happy dog, and lived a long good life with us. She didnt need a big sendoff, she had lived life everyday loving us. In her simple doggy ways. We loved her in our simple everyday Honey dog family ways.
He cried. He talked about not knowing his Pop, how his life would be different had he been with us. He talked about how he wished he remembered him, since there are a few pictures of them together. He talked about how one day Nana is here and who knows maybe tomorrow she will be gone. Or you Mommy, you could be gone any minute, or daddy and what will happen to me>?
I rememebr all of these thoughts as a child. Excpept I didnt verbalize them, I stewed overthem and made plans of how "if I do well on the next test, everyone will be alright for another day." or
"If I can jump two blocks of this sidewalk everythin will be ok."
Of course followed by my success or failure and the inevitable guilt that comes from beleiving you can control the entire universe and its inhabitants byt the grade ona test or strength of a ten year old girls jump.
I related to Jack the concept of Heaven and that all of the people we love are waiting there for us so we can all be together again after we pass from this life to the next.
That faith is beleiving in things that cannot be proven or seen. Our faith tells us thre is a heaven and we are going to beleive.
"What of there isnt a heaven? and when we die I never ever see you again, or get to hug you, snuggle you, smell you, hear your voice?"
The words hit hard in the pit of my stomach then bounced around my heart like tiny pin sized arrows that left burning holes of fear, doubt, grief, and terror.
The feelings of being all torn up from the loss of my Dad and all that I felt and continue to feel daily. Why is it that I dont think my child can have these feelings? Just as deep and horriifying as I can? He was sobbing and clutching. I was weepy and struggling for words.
The best I could do.
I am holding you now, you can hear me now, we are snuggling and I am listening now.
Whent he day comes that we cant do these things together, close your eyes, take deep deep breaths and remember this moment. This moment is filled with all of my love for you, enough love to last until youre an old old man. Enough love for your wife someday and your children and your grandchildren. Thats how much I have for you all bound up inside me for you. Its enough forever.
I would like to believe we will all be together again someday, so wherever I go after I die, is where you will go after you die. Wherever that is.
If I can be where you are I will always go there.
We hugged and snuggled he stopped crying and it seemed to work. He was comforted.
He fell asleep.
I did not, I waited for the baby breathing to start with the Jack snore.
Then I lost it, I cried long hot deep scary tears.
Like when I was a kid, afraid.
How do answer these questions? I told myself to be as honest as I can be, dont lie, and share the love I have NOW.
YOU NEED TO DO THE SAME.
Let go of those moments you DIDN"T do something and make a moment now where you CAN do something.
Say the words, hold the hand, smile at the stanger, buy the card, send the text.
I am going to love my babies.. all of them as much as I can.
Because the love I show them now is whaqt they will cling to later. Because there is enough for all of them. forebber
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