And. I... Cry...

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This is the ONE.
700 photographs from Allie and Ryans wedding.
This one says it all for the past 26 years.
The photographer actually didnt take this one. One of allies friends took it.
It surely isnt set up since her cutoffs and dress hanger are in the background.

It was one of the only times during this day that I wnated to cry.  So close I was.

Dont hold her too close or I wont let go.
Dont look at her, I wont let go.
Dont say anything I wont let go.

As a 22 year old kid, I had this baby. 
Oh she was cute alright, but she cried constantly for the first 6 months.
At one point I thought if I left her at the mall, someone nice would take her.
Then something happened.
Sh started to talk, and smile, and laugh with me.
My heart opened up a whole new chapter.
Named Allie.
I know that marriage, time, children, distance will never change the relationship we have.
My tears are more of a recognition of how much she means to me.
My world has been the "GIRLS" since the day Allie was born.
I have been mothering every minute of every day for 27 years.
Mothering HARD, and DEEP, and INTENSELY for all of those seconds.
I dont regret a single one.  Not A SINGLE SECOND.

But...
Now what do I do?
Missi is now sleeping at her apartment with her Brandon.
Sunday night they came home and took her mattress and said.
"OK, we are staying there now."
Well?
What about me?
WHAT  ABOUT ME?!?!?!?!
WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!!!
I have chosen to breathe somedays BECAUSE of them.
I CHOSE TO LIVE because of these two girls.
THEY ARE MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!
now what?

Yes my boys.
Yes...
I know...
I love them.  INTENSELY love my boys.
I never thought id get to this point with them.  either of them
Everyday with Andy is a surprise, never is it what I think it was going to be.
Everyday with Jack is a surprise, never what I plan or intend to happen.
The boys are out of my control, they are both on their own rails, with my guidance of course, but they are their own captains.
I am an observer at times, which is new.  The girls and I were in it ALL together.
Everyday decisions were together.
OK Im rambling.
I will adjust, I will accept that the goal has been met, achieved beyond all of my expectations, and now my job there is done.
Its the most rewarding, heartbreaking life ever.
OMG my heart is broken, but full. OMG



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