Denial is not just a river in Egypt...
Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
C. Northcote Parkinson
Had a lovely weekend with the gals from AMSON. There was alot of chat, and memories and current thiggngs in everyones lives. It was all good.
What I found, personally was, how fat I am compared to the rest of the gals.
How is it that I am the one with 8 years post bypass heart surgery, poor cardiac output, high risk for repeat fatal MI, and I am the fattest one here>?
How does it happen that the snacks are out and I am eating all of them as if I am having a TREAT, when OBVIOUSLY these ar items I take part in often.
Was everyone bikini ready? absolutely not..but we are 47, 48 year old women, and thats ok.
But really, I was walking on the beach and short of breath from the sand and carrying my beach chair.
Why do I continure these poor choices? I have glimpses of knowing that I am going to die prematurely form Heart disease. I know that. But if you give someone opportunities that have been proven to extend your life... Don't you take them?
What makes me contimue to eat junk, not exercise, not decrease my stress?
Why do I feel that everything is fine, when obviously everything IS NOT FINE?
My friend Patti from the weekend is the one friend from AMSON that I can chat with. SHe has within the past few years committed herself to yoga, it has replaced her therapy and has made her feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually focused. I want that. Why cant I have that?
WHY?
Why cant I feel physically fit, and satisfied with my attempts to LIVE LONGER?
I thin part of it is that I have the one day at a time mantr so emblazened in my head that...
If I didnt die today? Ahhhh Im all good.
Im not going to live as long as I would like to if I dont change.
I have to change.
Everything, everything has to change.
I was inthe ER last night feeling short of breath and, anxious.
The ER doc was very blunt, more blunt than any ANY CARDIOLOGIST has every been.
He told me I need to diligent in my self care.
Huhh? What self care?
I am not blaming anyone else-that would be too easy. And a common escape route for anyone in my shoes.
"I dont have time, I dont have resources, I need support"
I do have time, I do have resources and have more support than the luckiest of people. I just need to ask.
Why? WHY AM I LETTING MYSELF CREEP CLOSER AND CLOSER TO DEATH WITHOUT A FIGHT?
DENIAL.
I have to live for my jack.
I cant lave my girls before I see them grown, married maybe evern grandchildren.
I cant leave my Andy to raise our boy, only to marry someone else that cant LOVE them as I do.
What if my MOM has to live through that...
I believe that GOD wont let me die this young, because I have so much to say and do and see and be!
But guess what, no one is promised anything.
Evertime these episodes occur I FEEL like Im about to die. Then I tell myself "Why did you let this happen?" "You should have lost that weight years ago."
Now I am headed back into the stress test, cath loop.
Philadelphia, Geisinger wilkes barre, lots of questions and possible scenarios.
It was all anxiety folks, nothing to see here, keep walking.
Give me time to get myslef together and I will really try this time.
Just dont let me die before I can do this. That would be bad... for everyone.
DENIAl has led me to my current situation, I have a "grave" form of Heart disease.
I am lucky to be alive this long.
My heart attack and recovery is a miracle this far.
Everyday thus far has been a gift.
The Dr last night asked me- "Do you know that people like you dont survive?"
"Yes."
Then he said, "You won't survive another."
"yes, I know."
My best friend is suffering and struggling everyday with symptoms of her disease.
BUT SHE IS FIGHTING!
I dont struggle or suffer and I am not fighting either.
I only suffer and struggle on the inside. Then denail kicks in and "IM FINE< LIVING FOREVER FOLKS>"
But I am not going to live forever, would like to see Jack graduate HS, my girls get married, my husband reach the potential he was MADE for.
AND- I want to live long enough to look at myself i the mirror and say
"You are ok, and didnt go down without a fight."
What legacy is it if I die and my kids beleive I didnt care enough to try harder to stay with them?
My boy needds his Mommy. THATS me.
Please help me GOD, I need intervention from you to get me going.
Help ME.
C. Northcote Parkinson
Had a lovely weekend with the gals from AMSON. There was alot of chat, and memories and current thiggngs in everyones lives. It was all good.
What I found, personally was, how fat I am compared to the rest of the gals.
How is it that I am the one with 8 years post bypass heart surgery, poor cardiac output, high risk for repeat fatal MI, and I am the fattest one here>?
How does it happen that the snacks are out and I am eating all of them as if I am having a TREAT, when OBVIOUSLY these ar items I take part in often.
Was everyone bikini ready? absolutely not..but we are 47, 48 year old women, and thats ok.
But really, I was walking on the beach and short of breath from the sand and carrying my beach chair.
Why do I continure these poor choices? I have glimpses of knowing that I am going to die prematurely form Heart disease. I know that. But if you give someone opportunities that have been proven to extend your life... Don't you take them?
What makes me contimue to eat junk, not exercise, not decrease my stress?
Why do I feel that everything is fine, when obviously everything IS NOT FINE?
My friend Patti from the weekend is the one friend from AMSON that I can chat with. SHe has within the past few years committed herself to yoga, it has replaced her therapy and has made her feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually focused. I want that. Why cant I have that?
WHY?
Why cant I feel physically fit, and satisfied with my attempts to LIVE LONGER?
I thin part of it is that I have the one day at a time mantr so emblazened in my head that...
If I didnt die today? Ahhhh Im all good.
Im not going to live as long as I would like to if I dont change.
I have to change.
Everything, everything has to change.
I was inthe ER last night feeling short of breath and, anxious.
The ER doc was very blunt, more blunt than any ANY CARDIOLOGIST has every been.
He told me I need to diligent in my self care.
Huhh? What self care?
I am not blaming anyone else-that would be too easy. And a common escape route for anyone in my shoes.
"I dont have time, I dont have resources, I need support"
I do have time, I do have resources and have more support than the luckiest of people. I just need to ask.
Why? WHY AM I LETTING MYSELF CREEP CLOSER AND CLOSER TO DEATH WITHOUT A FIGHT?
DENIAL.
I have to live for my jack.
I cant lave my girls before I see them grown, married maybe evern grandchildren.
I cant leave my Andy to raise our boy, only to marry someone else that cant LOVE them as I do.
What if my MOM has to live through that...
I believe that GOD wont let me die this young, because I have so much to say and do and see and be!
But guess what, no one is promised anything.
Evertime these episodes occur I FEEL like Im about to die. Then I tell myself "Why did you let this happen?" "You should have lost that weight years ago."
Now I am headed back into the stress test, cath loop.
Philadelphia, Geisinger wilkes barre, lots of questions and possible scenarios.
It was all anxiety folks, nothing to see here, keep walking.
Give me time to get myslef together and I will really try this time.
Just dont let me die before I can do this. That would be bad... for everyone.
DENIAl has led me to my current situation, I have a "grave" form of Heart disease.
I am lucky to be alive this long.
My heart attack and recovery is a miracle this far.
Everyday thus far has been a gift.
The Dr last night asked me- "Do you know that people like you dont survive?"
"Yes."
Then he said, "You won't survive another."
"yes, I know."
My best friend is suffering and struggling everyday with symptoms of her disease.
BUT SHE IS FIGHTING!
I dont struggle or suffer and I am not fighting either.
I only suffer and struggle on the inside. Then denail kicks in and "IM FINE< LIVING FOREVER FOLKS>"
But I am not going to live forever, would like to see Jack graduate HS, my girls get married, my husband reach the potential he was MADE for.
AND- I want to live long enough to look at myself i the mirror and say
"You are ok, and didnt go down without a fight."
What legacy is it if I die and my kids beleive I didnt care enough to try harder to stay with them?
My boy needds his Mommy. THATS me.
Please help me GOD, I need intervention from you to get me going.
Help ME.
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