Someone is asking questions.....
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."
-Oscar Wilde
Someone is asking questions. Or hypothetically I am anticipating someone asking questions about me, my past, my choices to act...or not to act.
Why would anyone other than my immediate family really care? I don't think they will.
But I still have to wonder... If "people" brought you into the public eye, even for a few minutes could you pass the scrutiny of critics?
Andy has won the Republican nomination for Mayor in our little town. This is both exciting and terrifying in Suzie world.
I was firmly, unequivocaly against the idea.
I am a private person, I like my "bubble" to be small and tight.
Now our bubble will be "public domain" because of Andys desire to serve this community.
Yeah yeah yeah, its an honorable undertaking, since he has true intentions and ideas to help the town.
But what about the rest of us?
I dropped Jack at school this morning and the Principal said "Have a great day Mrs. Mayor."
huuuh? me?
You aren't supposed to talk to me more than the obligatory hello nod when passing while pick up or drop off.
So the undertaking of my husband has reached the next town over?
People at Jacks school know? Know me? Will know Jack?
I won't know them, but they will know us?
I love the idea of doing good things for others, I admire his courage to go forward and put himself on the proverbial "chopping block" for the betterment, safety of community.
I enjoyed th election day handing out flyers and talking with people that seem to really like him. They believe in him and are behind him 100%.
I like that.
I don't like people saying anything negative, or judgemental about my family.
You know the saying.... "I can say whatever I want, but if someone else says it... I'll rip your head off."
So here comes the selfish, part.
NOT that I am vitally important to this endeavor if his, or that I have a history that is in the grand scheme of things... noteworthy to ANYONE..
But what about those skeletons in the closet?
What about the things that I've said or done that I've worked pretty hard to push through.?
and past.?
People I've run into in my past, invited into my life, only to find it was a collossal mistake, that took years to find out. The mere mention of a few peoples names can send me into panic mode lately.
"Why were you with them?" "Why did you tell that person so much?"
"WHY IN THE WORLD did you do that?????"
People that really know and love me accept those incidents, choices, periods of time as just events.
My husband and I talk about some of these crazy things and can laugh... most times.
But they are my demons, put behind me for a reason.
If I need to rehash, I write them down, I mope for a day or two, I chat with my Andy.
I call my therapist-who... by the way is the best 25 dollars every two weeks Ive ever spent.
I just spew all the "head shaking" memories at her and she nods.
asks a few questions... and I continue the confession... without the penance.
I did my penance, Im still working though it. When I see my ex husband, I do penance...
When my daughters have difficulty trusting men... penance.
My Father in a box, a pile of dust... penance.
The scar down the middle of my chest.... penance.
The little boy that is my ENTIRE world.. struggling... PENANCE.
Unbridled guilt is enough most days to kill a horse.
That is self inflicted and can be UNDONE when I choose to let it go.
Judgement by others-totally out of my control. You can't go around and EXPLAIN your actions to people.
They will talk... they will judge... or they wont.
What I find most interesting in this whole adventure to this point... which by the way... IS JUST STARTING!!!!
The people that caused me so much angst... you know the PEOPLE that were BAD CHOICES... have no idea, probably that I fret about them.
Back on track. I will do my best to support my husband. I believe in his objectives.
I wont change my priorities, MY OBJECTIVES, my soapbox.
I am what I am, I have the bumps and bruises to show for it.
But I also have some really amazing people inmy life that seem to like the girl in the bubble at the end of River street.
And if you dont, hey... just dont tell me.
And whatever you do... DONT MESS WITH MY KIDS, OR YOU WILL MEET YOUR MAKER-
SOONER THAN YOU THOUGHT>
Thank you for listening... You are alright.
-Oscar Wilde
Someone is asking questions. Or hypothetically I am anticipating someone asking questions about me, my past, my choices to act...or not to act.
Why would anyone other than my immediate family really care? I don't think they will.
But I still have to wonder... If "people" brought you into the public eye, even for a few minutes could you pass the scrutiny of critics?
Andy has won the Republican nomination for Mayor in our little town. This is both exciting and terrifying in Suzie world.
I was firmly, unequivocaly against the idea.
I am a private person, I like my "bubble" to be small and tight.
Now our bubble will be "public domain" because of Andys desire to serve this community.
Yeah yeah yeah, its an honorable undertaking, since he has true intentions and ideas to help the town.
But what about the rest of us?
I dropped Jack at school this morning and the Principal said "Have a great day Mrs. Mayor."
huuuh? me?
You aren't supposed to talk to me more than the obligatory hello nod when passing while pick up or drop off.
So the undertaking of my husband has reached the next town over?
People at Jacks school know? Know me? Will know Jack?
I won't know them, but they will know us?
I love the idea of doing good things for others, I admire his courage to go forward and put himself on the proverbial "chopping block" for the betterment, safety of community.
I enjoyed th election day handing out flyers and talking with people that seem to really like him. They believe in him and are behind him 100%.
I like that.
I don't like people saying anything negative, or judgemental about my family.
You know the saying.... "I can say whatever I want, but if someone else says it... I'll rip your head off."
So here comes the selfish, part.
NOT that I am vitally important to this endeavor if his, or that I have a history that is in the grand scheme of things... noteworthy to ANYONE..
But what about those skeletons in the closet?
What about the things that I've said or done that I've worked pretty hard to push through.?
and past.?
People I've run into in my past, invited into my life, only to find it was a collossal mistake, that took years to find out. The mere mention of a few peoples names can send me into panic mode lately.
"Why were you with them?" "Why did you tell that person so much?"
"WHY IN THE WORLD did you do that?????"
People that really know and love me accept those incidents, choices, periods of time as just events.
My husband and I talk about some of these crazy things and can laugh... most times.
But they are my demons, put behind me for a reason.
If I need to rehash, I write them down, I mope for a day or two, I chat with my Andy.
I call my therapist-who... by the way is the best 25 dollars every two weeks Ive ever spent.
I just spew all the "head shaking" memories at her and she nods.
asks a few questions... and I continue the confession... without the penance.
I did my penance, Im still working though it. When I see my ex husband, I do penance...
When my daughters have difficulty trusting men... penance.
My Father in a box, a pile of dust... penance.
The scar down the middle of my chest.... penance.
The little boy that is my ENTIRE world.. struggling... PENANCE.
Unbridled guilt is enough most days to kill a horse.
That is self inflicted and can be UNDONE when I choose to let it go.
Judgement by others-totally out of my control. You can't go around and EXPLAIN your actions to people.
They will talk... they will judge... or they wont.
What I find most interesting in this whole adventure to this point... which by the way... IS JUST STARTING!!!!
The people that caused me so much angst... you know the PEOPLE that were BAD CHOICES... have no idea, probably that I fret about them.
Back on track. I will do my best to support my husband. I believe in his objectives.
I wont change my priorities, MY OBJECTIVES, my soapbox.
I am what I am, I have the bumps and bruises to show for it.
But I also have some really amazing people inmy life that seem to like the girl in the bubble at the end of River street.
And if you dont, hey... just dont tell me.
And whatever you do... DONT MESS WITH MY KIDS, OR YOU WILL MEET YOUR MAKER-
SOONER THAN YOU THOUGHT>
Thank you for listening... You are alright.
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