Easter 2013.

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Jack and I went to church on Easter Sunday morning.  I know that shouldn't be a big deal since he goes to Catholic school and I like to consider myself,,, spiritual.
We were lying in bed, the three of us, as usual.
And I was thinking about what needed to be done for dinner to get finished.  Two sleepy eyed boys snuggled in the bed arms, legs, and lots of hot breath.
I was thinking about the show The Bible that I have been watching and how thoughts of Jesus have been creepin ginto my everyday life since.  Silly times of the day..
Jesus and God have been a part of my life. 
The thought of Jesus as a prophet, just a prophet?
or the Son Of God?
While I was in the grocery store the other day an older woman who was dirty and alone.  Not a sweet old lady, but a dirty, smelly, aparantly mean lady.
How easy it would be to be nice to the sweet old lady, how hard it is to be pleasant to the dirty mean one.?
Is the message from Jesus to be generous kind to EVERYONE?
The two young girls dressed like trash walking around the store with an unattended child.  Not a sweet child to take home and care for, but a loud obnoxious, screaming difficult child.
Should I REMIND myself to LOVE them just as much?
Even more so?
When Ijumped out of bed and threw myself in the shower I couldn't help but think about how Good I am going to feel when I leave church today.
Then showering thinking about my boy.  This could be great, this could be disasterous.
I got out of the shower and plopped the boy in.
I told him we were going to church, he said COOL! 
OK then.
We went to the church that my entire family grew up in.  Married, buried, baptised, confirmed.
The best and the worst of times in those pews.
My sweet Jack and I sitting in the pew. He huddled against me, snuggled reading the missilette.
He was sweet, observant and prayerful.
We kneeled when we got there and chatted about what we have to grateful for.  Then agreed we should thank GOD for those things.  Together.
I said the words and he filled int he blanks.
DEAR GOD, WE ARE HAPPY TO BE HERE AT CHURCH TODAY, ON EASTER SUNDAY WITH YOU.  WE ARE SORRY WE HAVENT BEEN HERE MORE OFTEN.  WE DONT HAVE ANY GOOD EXCUSE.  WE ARE SO VERY LUCKY TO HAVE SO MANY GOOD THINGS IN OUR LIVES THAT WE BELIEVE ARE BECAUSE YOU LOVE US SO MUCH.  JACK AND I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW GRATEFUL WE ARE AND SAY FEW EXTRA PRAYERS TO YOU, SO YOU KNOW, WE LOVE YOU EVERYDAY.  FIRST WE THANK YOU FOR OUR BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY FAMILY.  THE GIRLS, DADDY,  OUR NANA.
ALL OF OUR COUSINS AND RELATIVES ESPECIALLY ELLA.
THANK YOU FOR OUR FRIENDS THAT SEEM TO REALLY LIKE US AND GIVE US A SAFE PLACE WHEN WE FEEL LOST SOMETIMES.
ESPECIALLY LOUIS AND MICHAEL.
THANK YOU FOR OUR HOUSE AND OUR FOOD AND OUR PETS.
WE WILL TRY TO DO BETTE EVERYDAY AND KIND AND GENTLE.  JUST LIKE JESUS.
AMEN.
We sat back and just looked at eachother.  He hugged my arm and glowed.  I glowed from inside out.
so in love with this boy sometimes.
The man next to me, looked over to us and said.  GOD BLESS YOU, HAPPY EASTER.  YOU ARE VERY LUCKY.
True.  so very true.
So my boy in the orange sweater with the name on the front JACK sat through church reading and following along.
occasional whispers of almost done, and when is the handshake?
but all in all, we were good, I felt good and left with a new perspective.
we can be saved from our sins, I really dont have to relive them in my mind over and over again if I choose not to.
I can ask for Gods forgiveness and truly repent, then be forgiven?
Never commit those sins again, and try my best to do the next right thing, so that we can ALL spend an eternity in heaven with our family and JESUS who gave everything for us?
I can survive without guilt, I can agree to never sin again the way i have in the past.
I can try harder to be abetter Mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, member of a community, churchgoer.
I am trying to be a better human being.
I want my son to see me do decent things, acts of kindness, appreciate EVERYONE that comes into our lives.
Not because I want SOMETHING, I want a clean slate, a new day, a breath of air that is free from fear.
I want to see heaven someday and see Jesus and GOD and with full awareness of my many many many faults, I didn't give up.  I wanted to do good things.
Smile my friends and family, I am not giving up.
Know that I love you all and I will keep moving, with my boy by my side, his hand in mine and we will get to wherever it is we are supposed to get to.  Because he won't be a lost boy.
He won't be a lost boy.
He won't be a lost boy.

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