I need... something.

Psalm 34:18 

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

The unspeakable happened last Friday in a small town in Connecticut.  Looking at twenty children through a guns site is.... too much.  Everyone has their own thoughts and visions of what may have happened that day in those classrooms, I wont even write them down.
 I scare myself.
I make myself cry, weep really.
Jack's unsinkable belief that everyone is good, his willingness to help people, his unability to retreat.
A gunman in his classroom.  Taking aim at he and his classmates?
Someone elses beautiful child, irreplaceable gift is gone.

I went to Joann's graduation on Sunday.  Her loss and grief after losing her beloved Bob, moved her somewhere else, beyond what she thought she could do.  Broken and "too old" she walked across the stage to receive her Masters Degree.  I sniled at her from  75 yards away, she saw me, we waved, I blew a kiss, she returned, and like a movie I zoomed across those 75 yards till we were face to face and I said.. "He sees you, smile big and beautiful for him."  She did,  We all did.  Then I cried some more.
I sat in the gym and wept, again, for the person she is, and how lucky I am to have her in my life. 

I went to Ryans thirtieth birthday party on Saturday night.  At johns house.
MaryEllens house.
Nothing has changed there, her stuff fills every corner, their wedding picture still on the wall.  Her goodies on every wall.  To think she is gone nearly 6 years.  What made this party so... big... was that we talked of her as though it was ok she was gone.  We laughed, reminisced and laughed even more.  Recounting the many nights of cardplaying, holidays, kids parties... Yup those events were swirling around the ceiling like dust motes.  I went into the bathroom, I snooped, the tub was still the same.
The tub I put her into, we did her toe nails while she soaked.  I washed her hair.  We laughed, and cried.
I sat there for a moment and smiled for the friendship that came out of nowhere, and brought us to the end.

MaryEllen and I didnt knwo one another although we lived next door for about a year.  I knew who she was, she knew me , but that was it.  Until the first summer we lived there.  There was an ice cream truck that came around the neighborhood, HOW SMALL TOWNISH!  He drove on by playinghis music and I just loved it.  I ran out and told him,  "come everynight, I love that you are here!  5 oclock right after our dinner woul dbe great!"  He obliged.
A week later of 7 days straight 5 oclock ice cream truck music playing kids running home for money...
MARYELLEN was out in front of her house yelling at the ice cream man...
"Why do you come EVERYNIGHT at 5 oclock, right at dinner time when Im trying to feed my family, these kids are killing me asking for money EVERYNIGHT!!!!!"  "WHY??????"
He pointed at me.
OH shit.
"YOU? You ASKED him to come at 5 EVERYNIGHT?"
"uhhhhhh yeah?"
"Do your kids eat icecream for DINNER?"
"uhhh no, well not always."
silence.....
then we laughed.  She told him to come at 7 and put the bill on HER porch.
That was it.  we were friends.  Coffee, cigarettes, beer, girl fights, (plenty of those)  but always got your back.
I dont regret a single minute of the heartache of losing her, and watching her go.  I would rather be her "person" than not be there, and have her feel alone.

I know some hard times are coming our way again.  It is inevitable.  We will grieve, we will be afraid, and have our spirit broken.
The losses in Conn,
the illness and losses that will be. 

Isaiah 41:10 

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

My sadness is not for myself, because I cant imagine the pain and loss in Conn tonight.  I pray and weep for these parents and teachers that have unbearable weight on their hearts. God hear me tonight while I pray for PEACE in their homes. 
Love to all, from the bottom of my heart.