Sunshine and dewdrops....
People that know me know that I usually go with the flow, and keep the peace.
People that know me also know that when I am cranky and pissed off, It is just going to be a bad day all around.
Someone asked me about our getaway to Vermont, I reported, TRUTHFULLY,
"AHHHHH?"
It was beautiful weather, beautiful scenery, we did some cool things with Jack, he loved the adventure walk and bike rides.
BUTTTTTT
It was a 7 hour drive, with a 7 yr old, to an adult destination.
I saw my old dear friend Amy from the farm. MARVELOUS!!!
What a sweet reunion we had,even if it was only an hour long.
We did alot of driving, excessive driving.
So truthfully by the end of Sunday I could have hid under the wheels of the nearest 18 wheeler.
The observer said, "OH from your facebook posts it appeared to be perfect."
Well, I guess it did, I try very hard not to complain in public.
I guess that is dishonest?
I should say more, or less? Nothing?
I post pics of the boy, who I continue to adore even with his non stop chatter and mixed up pronouns.
"Look at the dog, her got a golden collar!"
ugghghghgg
Well, do I hate my husband, well yes I do. Today, I do.
Does my son make me want to hide in one of the ten thousand barns I saw this weekend? Well yes he does.
Am I super sad, disjointed, and dismantled about Allie being in her own apartment with her BOYFRIEND?
Uhh yes, yes and YES!!!
Am I worried about Missi getting back to school and graduating on time?
yes.
Do I hate that I am working a whole lot more, but have nothing to show for it? YES!
Do I wish my husband lived in another area code, with every breath that I take... yes.
BUT
I am not telling anyone that, not out loud anyway, well, maybe just you all.
I am not posting it on Facebook.
My life is not all sunshine and dewdrops.
I am not the perfect mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, employee, survivor.
I try hard to get by. I try hard to do right by people I meet.
I try to LOOK happy, I try to BE happy.
But sometimes I just aren't. as Jack would say.
Her is miserable, her be pissed off, she be a total hypocrite, with glowing facebook posts, and a bad F&*^(ing attitude right now.
So be it, I am feeling overwhelmed, tired, lonely, left out, and downright sorry for myself.
I want to live the life it LOOKS like I live to some people. I guess I tell a good story, too good in fact.
Some people spew their stuff all over the place. I don't often do that.
I spew right here. Not as honestly as I should I guess.
So here goes.
HONESTLY.....
1. I havent looked at myself naked in about 5 years.
2. I only feel effective when I teach and that only happens maybe once a semester.
3. If I never had sex again, I would be ok with that.
4. I dream of dying to get out of having to worry about retirement.
5. I don't really care who wins the election.. nothing is going to change either way.
6. I usually am thinking about something else... all the time.
7. I fantasize about the life I would have had if I hadn't married Andy.
8. or had Jack.
9. I wake up every morning thinking about when I can go back to bed.
10. I don't have many close girlfriends, I usually don't like women,
11. I am afraid they won't like me if they get to know me, so I stay distant.
12. I hardly ever shave my legs. hardly any hair grows on them anyway.
13. I pray everyday, but just say GOD. I'm not sure I believe everything I was taught in ccd.
14. I listen to country music to remind me how simple life can be.
15. I think about my boy 50% of my day. 25% my girls, 10% my Mom the other 10 % how I am going to deal with Andy.
16. i wear a crucifix ring, but not for Jesus's sake, but because Tim gave it to me.
17. If I smile at a stranger I think I might be making their day.
18. I wonder if my boy will turn out to be a derelict, and what I am dong wrong.
19. My only fear of dying is who will take care of Jack.
20. I can think some really mean things about people, then feel guilty.
21. Is it better to be fat all your life, or be skinny then get fat? I think the latter.
22. I dont buy anything new for myself, hardly ever.
23. My dream place right now is a small house with a porch, gas stove, swingset, and a fireplace. lots of windows. Just me and my boy. visitors welcome.
24. Is my dad disappointed in me, would he be ashamed of what I am doing, or in Jack.
25. I look at bridges, tunnels and small shacks and wonder f anyone would find me if I hid in there.
Well I am certainly not normal.
My life is far from perfect.
And I will get over it.
That time of year again, I usually get the blues around this time.
Here we are. BLUE.
People that know me also know that when I am cranky and pissed off, It is just going to be a bad day all around.
Someone asked me about our getaway to Vermont, I reported, TRUTHFULLY,
"AHHHHH?"
It was beautiful weather, beautiful scenery, we did some cool things with Jack, he loved the adventure walk and bike rides.
BUTTTTTT
It was a 7 hour drive, with a 7 yr old, to an adult destination.
I saw my old dear friend Amy from the farm. MARVELOUS!!!
What a sweet reunion we had,even if it was only an hour long.
We did alot of driving, excessive driving.
So truthfully by the end of Sunday I could have hid under the wheels of the nearest 18 wheeler.
The observer said, "OH from your facebook posts it appeared to be perfect."
Well, I guess it did, I try very hard not to complain in public.
I guess that is dishonest?
I should say more, or less? Nothing?
I post pics of the boy, who I continue to adore even with his non stop chatter and mixed up pronouns.
"Look at the dog, her got a golden collar!"
ugghghghgg
Well, do I hate my husband, well yes I do. Today, I do.
Does my son make me want to hide in one of the ten thousand barns I saw this weekend? Well yes he does.
Am I super sad, disjointed, and dismantled about Allie being in her own apartment with her BOYFRIEND?
Uhh yes, yes and YES!!!
Am I worried about Missi getting back to school and graduating on time?
yes.
Do I hate that I am working a whole lot more, but have nothing to show for it? YES!
Do I wish my husband lived in another area code, with every breath that I take... yes.
BUT
I am not telling anyone that, not out loud anyway, well, maybe just you all.
I am not posting it on Facebook.
My life is not all sunshine and dewdrops.
I am not the perfect mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, employee, survivor.
I try hard to get by. I try hard to do right by people I meet.
I try to LOOK happy, I try to BE happy.
But sometimes I just aren't. as Jack would say.
Her is miserable, her be pissed off, she be a total hypocrite, with glowing facebook posts, and a bad F&*^(ing attitude right now.
So be it, I am feeling overwhelmed, tired, lonely, left out, and downright sorry for myself.
I want to live the life it LOOKS like I live to some people. I guess I tell a good story, too good in fact.
Some people spew their stuff all over the place. I don't often do that.
I spew right here. Not as honestly as I should I guess.
So here goes.
HONESTLY.....
1. I havent looked at myself naked in about 5 years.
2. I only feel effective when I teach and that only happens maybe once a semester.
3. If I never had sex again, I would be ok with that.
4. I dream of dying to get out of having to worry about retirement.
5. I don't really care who wins the election.. nothing is going to change either way.
6. I usually am thinking about something else... all the time.
7. I fantasize about the life I would have had if I hadn't married Andy.
8. or had Jack.
9. I wake up every morning thinking about when I can go back to bed.
10. I don't have many close girlfriends, I usually don't like women,
11. I am afraid they won't like me if they get to know me, so I stay distant.
12. I hardly ever shave my legs. hardly any hair grows on them anyway.
13. I pray everyday, but just say GOD. I'm not sure I believe everything I was taught in ccd.
14. I listen to country music to remind me how simple life can be.
15. I think about my boy 50% of my day. 25% my girls, 10% my Mom the other 10 % how I am going to deal with Andy.
16. i wear a crucifix ring, but not for Jesus's sake, but because Tim gave it to me.
17. If I smile at a stranger I think I might be making their day.
18. I wonder if my boy will turn out to be a derelict, and what I am dong wrong.
19. My only fear of dying is who will take care of Jack.
20. I can think some really mean things about people, then feel guilty.
21. Is it better to be fat all your life, or be skinny then get fat? I think the latter.
22. I dont buy anything new for myself, hardly ever.
23. My dream place right now is a small house with a porch, gas stove, swingset, and a fireplace. lots of windows. Just me and my boy. visitors welcome.
24. Is my dad disappointed in me, would he be ashamed of what I am doing, or in Jack.
25. I look at bridges, tunnels and small shacks and wonder f anyone would find me if I hid in there.
Well I am certainly not normal.
My life is far from perfect.
And I will get over it.
That time of year again, I usually get the blues around this time.
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