Listen first, then READ, you know who you are.

-

I heard this song the other day while driving in the car.  As usual I think first of a lovers song. 
Then immediately following I focus on MY LOVES.
My children, my boy.
I am sure my on and on about these kids can get... boring.
But returning to one of the original purposes of this blog  I must write what fills me, and right now I remain filled with these people.
Allie, Missi and Jack.
I listen and read the lyrics to this song and each verse brings me to each and then comes around again to another.
Winding a path back around to myself-which is always a good place to start.
For example:

Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

These lines are my Boy.  The Boy.  He came to us and showed us a way out of our misery of loss with his bluest eyes and smile of purest joy.  He has an old soul that guided us OUT-FORWARD. I was damaged, but his BEING made me HUNGRY TO LIVE.


And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

This is so my Allie right now in her life.  She is moving out...  Needing her space, to do some of her own navigating.  I get that, I want that for her.  She has earned every INCH of her FREEDOM.  When she comes home from work I can't wait to hear about her day, her adventures.   To listen to the stories of changing lives, while she molds her own.  This is a time of change for us, as a team.
She and I have been a team for many many years.  It may not have been textbook parenting but gratefully it worked.  I couldn't be more proud of her.  So where ever her adventures may take her, I am eagerly awaiting an account of her finds.  There are few in this world with more LIGHT than she has.  I am happy to be a part of it, and am excited to share her with the world.





I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake

This is my Bitty Missi girl.  I don't talk enough about her.  She is my forever reminder that being different is good.  Its people like Missi in this world that actually make it turn.  Her artistic flair and eye for making something simple.... BEAUTIFUL is inspiring.   It is sometimes easier for me to say "I don't understand" than to watch and appreciate her gifts.  She is as green as spring when it comes to the ways of the world.  Likes her "bubble" small and simple.  I need to appreciate her tools and gifts, because if I don't I have the world to lose.






I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

This is me.  This is my LOVES, all of them.  I haven't given up on them.  I never will.  I love my husband for what he does EVERYDAY, every single day.. to prove his love for me and our family.  The mixed up yours, mine and our family that somehow works.  Andy works hard, under alot of watchful eyes waiting for him to screw up.  I am a very fortunate gal to have known this kind of LOVE.  He is brave, forthright and smart.  He is someone people call when they need ACTION.  I love him.  Whether I want to or not sometimes I love him.

God knows we are worth it.
All of us.
We have alot to learn but we are alive and loved.
I am not giving up, on any of you.
Or myself.

Wow a long, rambling, purging, thoughtful blog post.
I am exhausted.  PHEWWW was it as good for you as it was for me?
Love to all.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Kiss

-
Image
  It has been 75 days. When I went to bed at night I would cry, every night.  My Mom would begin the process of "bedtime" at least 30 minutes before I actually had to go to my room.  She would give me the countdown. "Next commercial break"  "Ten more minutes"  "Go get your last drink of water" Some nights she would begin to doze and I would squeeze another 10 minutes until the dreaded bed time. Then began the process.  We would go to my room, which was only 12 feet from the living room in all actuality, but it was miles in my little girl heart.  Mom would pull down the covers, tuck me in, give me all of my comfort things and then I would cry.  The more she tried to make me comfortable with the thought of sleeping, alone, the harder I would cry.  If she would just say go to bed, it would have been easier. We would say my prayers together, Our Father, Hail Mary and then all of the God Bless's. The God Blesses were my definite way to get her to ...
Read more

Ayla

-
Image
 When I was in High School my best friend was Amy.  I don't remember how we met or where, but somehow we just clicked.  I believe it was probably on the patio where in the 1980's you could go outside and smoke cigarettes with your friends on free mods or breaks.  Yep those were the days.   We were in 10th grade which made us 15.  I smoked Parliament light 100's  with the recessed filters (IYKYK) and she smoked Benson and Hedges.  She was a cheerleader that was so far from the "cheerleader" type it would crack us up.  We wrote notes in those days, scraps of paper that we would purge our daily trials onto, fold in some triangular football shape and pass to one another in the hall.  We could fill a note throughout the day and then I would throw it into a box for the ages to find someday.  We were able to talk endlessly about music, people, boyfriends, animals, school, college, parents, divorce, siblings, hours of chat.  We al...
Read more

No, not that.

-
Image
 Lets talk about graduation parties!  Should I order the chicken scampi or marsala for the chicken dish?  Cakes and cupcakes or cookies?  DJ or photo booth or both? So we decorate the cake with Wyoming Seminary as a graduate or Penn State as his college destination? No, we wont talk about that.  You know, the "drophimoffandleavehimtherepart" or the "Ihaveabsolutelynopurposewithouthiminmydailygrind" lets not forget "Whenyoufoughttoliveforthisboyandnowheisgoingwhylive?" OK OK I'm not going to end my life because Jack is leaving for college, but for christs sake what the fuck is my purpose now?  I am struggling, struggling with so many things right now. I know my struggle on paper is nothing compared to so many other people.  My weight, my hair, my boy, my heart, my future.  I want to just get to the point where I can just take him and drop him off.  Rush through this summer and get it over with, pull off the bandaid quick and start the new chap...
Read more