2012

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The things that matter.
My children, smiling, goofing around and being the most perfect IMperfect life imaginable.
My Dads truck, which young Danny has been driving since not long after Pop died.  He drove it home from NC for Christmas this year.  I like to think Dad had something to do with his safe return from NC, as well as across the world from Afghanistan.
Christmas- a success.  We had 18 people this year and I loved it.  I was not as stressed out about it and enjoyed Christmas this year.  Jack is definitely our grown up boy.  About two years ago I couldn't have anyone in the house for dinner because he was so out of control.  Now we can have people over and ENJOY our son as well.  wow, THANK YOU GOD.
New Years eve was quiet with just Andy Jack and I.  I am good with that.  We had a very busy holiday two weeks and now it is all DONE.  whew, it was good, real good.
Now to clean it all up pack it up and get ready for Andys surgery.  Jan 31 he will have his rotator cuff repaired.  A speedy recovery with as little pain as possible is what I'm praying for.
I start my new job wed Jan 18th.  I'm nervous but excited.  I won't be working alot but preparation will be everything.
Last but not least, my new sneakers.  They will be helping me in 2012 on my path to something better.  As a gift to myself I have taken on a health coach.  I haven't shared this news with too many people becasue I am afraid of what will happen if I fail at weight loss.  What does it mean to BRAG about being MOTIVATED to lose weight and then not do it?  Failure.
So what is my goal, what are my goals.?
I have set the number of pounds to be lost low, because that is an easy way to say "I told you so"
Jenny and I have talked about where the extra weight came from, the time frame in which it came about, and my frame of mind those few years.
Interestingly enough I have someone that is gently and kindly encouraging me to look at the precipitating factors to this weight gain.
Grief in the loss of my Dad?  yes.  But it started before that.  Getting married and subsequent birth of Jack and heart attack?  yes those were big things.  Quitting smoking?  huge. 
I realize I am an eater, when I used to smoke. 
I dont eat fresh vegetables, I dont eat fruit.  I never was a healthy eater.  That is probably one reason I got in this situation in the first place.
When all is said and done, I see Jenny every other Friday.  I leave there feeling as though I can do this, thing, task, event, of taking my life back.  I want to feel GOOD again.  Not necessarily thin and 35, but healthy and positive at 45.
She encourages me, reminds me I am smart, valuable for more than just being Mom and wife.  But valuable for being ME for ME.
She and I talked about what I expect, goals I have.  I told her from the bottom of my heart I just want to live ten years to raise my son so that no one else has to do it.  If I die what will happen to him? What will happen to my girls and their lives feeling they have a brother that THEY have to take care of?  I don't want that burden to fall on them. 
Jenny somehow had me hear my words, That only needing to live ten years so that other people don't suffer is not a healthy way to live.  I should have goals and dreams of my own, OF MY OWN.  ON MY OWN>
What are those goals?  I dont know.  They have changed alot because of the events that have shaped me to THIS person.
I at this moment dont have a particular PLACE/THING goal, I have a FEELING goal. 
That FEELING I used to have, about myself.  Not a self absorbed selfish, center of the universe feeling.  Just a simple "I'm alright, valuable, worthy feeling."  Do normal people have that feeling?  Am I normal?  Were those few years I had of GOOD the unusual?  DO I think too much? 
I don't need anyone to tell me Im smart, important, irreplaceable... I have that.
I need to look in the mirror and SEE that person.  Not the fat suit I feel I'm wearing. 
OK now I am definitely rambling.  Jenny is helping me find alternatives to the habits I have created for myselt.  She is going to show me other ways to exercise, meditate, vocalize my feelings.  Feed my soul and body food that will nourish me and NOT weigh me down both physically and spiritually.
Isn't this a great idea?  I soooo want this, I soooo need this.
I need to stop feeling the WEIGHT both pds. and emotional weight of LOSS.
LOSS of numerous countless things in the past 8 or so years.
I am carrying the WEIGHT of LOSS on my BODY.
WOW, I am a fucking genius.  I am carrying the WEIGHT of LOSS on my BODY!
Did I just make that up or did someone else ever say it?  Cuz If I made it up I am going to make a million dollars on that Dr. Phil/ism.
No need to list my losses, almost too premenstrual to start that list.
Someday I will list them just to have them OUT LOUD.  Therapeutic purge of negativity so that they are out not in an I can just be done with it.  Maybe make progress on my journey to cleaner/healthier living.
So tomorrow I will do better, I will feed my body something good, even if its one or two things.  Today I ate an orange and put spinach on my turkey sandwich.  Yes that's new for me.  Be positive, believe that little things count and be proud of yourself.  No self deprecating talk.  Its poison to the soul  and psyche.
Yesterday on my walk I stood at the top of the levee and stretched.  Yup I stretched my large full body.
I bent over, I lifted my arms squatted my knees, stretched my hips and thighs. Rolled head and  my neck for a good 5 minutes.  I did it with people watching as they rode their bikes or ran their lithe bodies past mine.  I stretched and reached for the sun, closed my eyes and listened to music.  F them.  F you.  I am here and happy and feel good so I'm stretching.
It hit me then, they dont care if the fat girl stretches.
They are in their own bliss, while I am in mine.  I am a blip or smudge on their day.  As were they in mine.  I hope to find that place tomorrow morning to stretch this tight clenched up body. 
Join me in the morning stretch if you like, if only in your mind.
Happy new year to you all.  If anyone is out there, reading along..... thanks. 
I owe you alot of money in therapy costs because this blogging has probably saved my life.







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