foggy
I've got a lot on my mind.
Alot has come through my mind and heart in the past month or so that I am not purging.
Anywhere, to anyone and now, Im foggy.
I've used the word constipated before in this forum and tonight is the culmination of emotional constipation.
So Im going to purge, dump, shyte.
My dads anniversary came and went without blogging fanfare. Is it because I didnt remember or care? nope. It came and went with the usual lump in throat, lead in belly. My husband, who has been sure to take care of me on all of the anniversaries, took jack and I to the beach for Pops anniversary this year. Same as last.
I didnt feel any closer to him, there were no whispers in the waves, or long lost notes in the grains of sand.
I was still just me.
My life was still as importantly uneventful.
There was no spiritual eureka of the beyond.
No answers to the forever questions of "why?"
That's because we are not supposed to know.
And that people is that. Just IT.
We live, we love, fall hard, pick up quick, help the next person, learn a lesson and hopefully pass on a kernel of truth.
I had my 6 year anniversary, yup it is now six years that I am above ground.
I have had my really down days, wondering again "why?"
We aren't supposed to know.
I can ring philosophically and answer the standards...
My girls need me, Jack needs me,
Blahdy blahdy.
But I dont know, I imagine when I die somewhere along the line I will be given the TALK.
You know the TALK.
From GOD.
GOD- "Well Suzie, you know that you really shouldn't have done, A, B, C, and definitely should have excluded D."
"But what you did on dates X,Y and Z most certainly make up for some."
Do I deserve 6 more years than other people. I don't think so.
I saw a program of a woman who recently died of breast cancer, she did community service and ran a marathon. She fought hard to live.
I don't feel like I'm fighting hard. The only thing I do hard, or passionately, is LOVE.
I LOVE my babies.
I LOVE my brothers.
I LOVE my Mom.
I LOVE my husband...s.
I LOVE my friends.
thats about it.
I dont work hard, I dont clean hard, I dont exercise hard, I dont study, run, volunteer, read, I hardly even drink hard.
SO in closing of this momentary purge...
I miss my Dad, his death was the most difficult thing Ive lived through. But the LOVE that we all shared remains. It is unchanged, no mystery, no secret message to be decoded every year on the anniversary.
Second my anniversary was almost forgotten in the bustle of having a six year old boy. That's a good thing. Do I celebrate six years? sure I do, but not for everyone else, but for me, because I am the lucky one.
Where else would I be if I weren't here? With all of you?
Dont know.
Not supposed to know.
So for your viewing pleasure I will attach a song for all of you.
Its one of my favorites so therefore, one of yours. hahah Just kidding.
Alot has come through my mind and heart in the past month or so that I am not purging.
Anywhere, to anyone and now, Im foggy.
I've used the word constipated before in this forum and tonight is the culmination of emotional constipation.
So Im going to purge, dump, shyte.
My dads anniversary came and went without blogging fanfare. Is it because I didnt remember or care? nope. It came and went with the usual lump in throat, lead in belly. My husband, who has been sure to take care of me on all of the anniversaries, took jack and I to the beach for Pops anniversary this year. Same as last.
I didnt feel any closer to him, there were no whispers in the waves, or long lost notes in the grains of sand.
I was still just me.
My life was still as importantly uneventful.
There was no spiritual eureka of the beyond.
No answers to the forever questions of "why?"
That's because we are not supposed to know.
And that people is that. Just IT.
We live, we love, fall hard, pick up quick, help the next person, learn a lesson and hopefully pass on a kernel of truth.
I had my 6 year anniversary, yup it is now six years that I am above ground.
I have had my really down days, wondering again "why?"
We aren't supposed to know.
I can ring philosophically and answer the standards...
My girls need me, Jack needs me,
Blahdy blahdy.
But I dont know, I imagine when I die somewhere along the line I will be given the TALK.
You know the TALK.
From GOD.
GOD- "Well Suzie, you know that you really shouldn't have done, A, B, C, and definitely should have excluded D."
"But what you did on dates X,Y and Z most certainly make up for some."
Do I deserve 6 more years than other people. I don't think so.
I saw a program of a woman who recently died of breast cancer, she did community service and ran a marathon. She fought hard to live.
I don't feel like I'm fighting hard. The only thing I do hard, or passionately, is LOVE.
I LOVE my babies.
I LOVE my brothers.
I LOVE my Mom.
I LOVE my husband...s.
I LOVE my friends.
thats about it.
I dont work hard, I dont clean hard, I dont exercise hard, I dont study, run, volunteer, read, I hardly even drink hard.
SO in closing of this momentary purge...
I miss my Dad, his death was the most difficult thing Ive lived through. But the LOVE that we all shared remains. It is unchanged, no mystery, no secret message to be decoded every year on the anniversary.
Second my anniversary was almost forgotten in the bustle of having a six year old boy. That's a good thing. Do I celebrate six years? sure I do, but not for everyone else, but for me, because I am the lucky one.
Where else would I be if I weren't here? With all of you?
Dont know.
Not supposed to know.
So for your viewing pleasure I will attach a song for all of you.
Its one of my favorites so therefore, one of yours. hahah Just kidding.
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