Sleep.....

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I reached for sleep and drew it round me like a blanket muffling pain and thought together in the merciful dark.
Mary Stewart
I have always loved to sleep.
The reason for my desire to sleep has been ever changing.
As a teenager I remember falling asleep and waking in the same position, my blankets hardly moved.
That was good sleep. I would not want to get up in the morning and my father would come in and literally pull me out of bed onto the floor.
He didnt care if I was complaining or not, he would pull off the blankets and out I would come. I loved to hate that. I Love to remember those mornings now.
When I was married to Tim I would spend my evenings alone, watching tv. He was tired and I was lonely.
I would sleep most nights on the couch because I didnt want to lie next to him and have his back to me all night. It was sad. I remember not wanting to sleep because I didnt want to wake up in the morning to my life being the same. That is sad too.
Then I recall a period of time when I would lie in bed and just think about all the scary things in my life.
When Tim first left I remember getting out of bed to find something I though was really important at that time.
Some document or piece of paper. Searching the house at 2 in the morning for comfort. To help me sleep.
Now I sleep because I take Ativan.
I take two about 30 minutes before I want sleep to hit me. Or run me over.
I dont dream much anymore. That is from the sleeping pill. Dreams used to be one of my favorite things.
But now I cant risk the THINKING before sleep, I am not much for the thinking part of life anymore. The worrying can come during the day now.
Thoughts hit me during the day and take my breath away.
Danny leaving in 8 days for Afghanistan. WHACK in the stomach.
Missi far away without me. UGHHH in the chest.
Jack in school? Thunk to the side of the head.
Me dying or worse...living... KACHUNK right in the face.
So I sacrifice the dreams that might be looming in the back of my mind with visions of my father, or old lovers, far away places, quiet little coffee shops, so that sleep will come quickly, and wont leave me alone for too long with.... myself.

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Unknown said…
As always, your writing is beautiful, even haunting. You have so much to offer so many. I am living proof of your goodwill and generosity; your love and kindness; your open mind and open ear. If ever I can return the favor ...
7:35 PM
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