Just stuff

-






Andy, Jack and I went to Jim Thorpe on Saturday. We walked the trail along the river and watched Jack explore and pretend he was hunting Dinosaurs.
He picked up sticks that were definitely T Rex leg bones!
He found rocks that were fossils!
He marked the dirt with x's to mark the spot for Pirate treasure.
He talked to passersby about their bicycles, and their pets.
He asked a few families if he could pet their dogs. They obliged and he was great.
Jack threw stones in the water, climbed rocks and shuffled along the riverbanks.
Andy and I walked holding hands or just side by side and admired the boy that is sometimes taking every ounce of ourselves.
He is beautiful, smart and ingenious.
He is tiring, loud, repetitive, ruthlessly adamant, tirelessly moving, and draining.
I adore this boy that is sapping my youth.
I was looking at pictures from 2005 and I look a heck of alot better then than I do now.
I am not blaming Jack, but I am wearing old, quickly.
My heart is full of LOVE.
My body feels old.
I watch Allie with Jack and think I am not doing him any good, he needs a young, spry mother.
Maybe this recent diagnosis is my fault. Maybe I babied him too much which turned him into this CHILD OF WHIRLING DISCONTENT.
I Love him, maybe I loved him too much. Or maybe I didnt love him the way he needed to be loved which in turn I did something wrong.
I had his interventional meeting last week which entailed his teacher telling me along with a case worker and insurance moderator ALL OF HIS BEHAVIORS.
I can say that it had to be one of the most difficult events of my life. To sit back and listen to someone tell me what is WRONG with my boy. How he DOESN"T behave how he doesnt FIT, How he doesn't mold.
I know all these things.
I know we have to do this, to get him the help he needs right now.
I just dont want YOU TO TELL ME HOW I FUCKED UP!!!
They dont tell you that you did anything wrong IT JUST FEELS THAT WAY!
THEY dont see Jack the way we see Jack.
THEY dont LOVE him.
We LOVE HIM. We see it and feel it, live it.
The beautiful, loving, smart, ingenious, industrious, creative, physically fit, good eater, cat and dog loving, rock throwing, work boot wearing, argumentative, blond haired boy, is ours.
good, bad, indifferent. All mine.
Pictures of our boy attached. If you cant see the genius in the boy, poop on you.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Kiss

-
Image
  It has been 75 days. When I went to bed at night I would cry, every night.  My Mom would begin the process of "bedtime" at least 30 minutes before I actually had to go to my room.  She would give me the countdown. "Next commercial break"  "Ten more minutes"  "Go get your last drink of water" Some nights she would begin to doze and I would squeeze another 10 minutes until the dreaded bed time. Then began the process.  We would go to my room, which was only 12 feet from the living room in all actuality, but it was miles in my little girl heart.  Mom would pull down the covers, tuck me in, give me all of my comfort things and then I would cry.  The more she tried to make me comfortable with the thought of sleeping, alone, the harder I would cry.  If she would just say go to bed, it would have been easier. We would say my prayers together, Our Father, Hail Mary and then all of the God Bless's. The God Blesses were my definite way to get her to ...
Read more

Ayla

-
Image
 When I was in High School my best friend was Amy.  I don't remember how we met or where, but somehow we just clicked.  I believe it was probably on the patio where in the 1980's you could go outside and smoke cigarettes with your friends on free mods or breaks.  Yep those were the days.   We were in 10th grade which made us 15.  I smoked Parliament light 100's  with the recessed filters (IYKYK) and she smoked Benson and Hedges.  She was a cheerleader that was so far from the "cheerleader" type it would crack us up.  We wrote notes in those days, scraps of paper that we would purge our daily trials onto, fold in some triangular football shape and pass to one another in the hall.  We could fill a note throughout the day and then I would throw it into a box for the ages to find someday.  We were able to talk endlessly about music, people, boyfriends, animals, school, college, parents, divorce, siblings, hours of chat.  We al...
Read more

No, not that.

-
Image
 Lets talk about graduation parties!  Should I order the chicken scampi or marsala for the chicken dish?  Cakes and cupcakes or cookies?  DJ or photo booth or both? So we decorate the cake with Wyoming Seminary as a graduate or Penn State as his college destination? No, we wont talk about that.  You know, the "drophimoffandleavehimtherepart" or the "Ihaveabsolutelynopurposewithouthiminmydailygrind" lets not forget "Whenyoufoughttoliveforthisboyandnowheisgoingwhylive?" OK OK I'm not going to end my life because Jack is leaving for college, but for christs sake what the fuck is my purpose now?  I am struggling, struggling with so many things right now. I know my struggle on paper is nothing compared to so many other people.  My weight, my hair, my boy, my heart, my future.  I want to just get to the point where I can just take him and drop him off.  Rush through this summer and get it over with, pull off the bandaid quick and start the new chap...
Read more