Happy Birthday Dad, Part II
OK so the post with the song and lyrics about my father chair, yeah sad shit I know.
But honestly I feel pretty good today. I woke with the lingering vision of him from a last minute dream I had. He was wearing his worn out blue jeans, red suspenders a blue plaid shirt and his old dirty work boots. He was wearing a babseball cap and he was normal and happy. We were out the mountain and he was sitting on the swing in the back of the house. I dont recall a conversation, just a feeling that all was well. So I woke with a picture of him in my mind when everything was fine.
I am getting better I think. That is not to say I am not missing him or the life we had of "nothing bad ever happens to us", but I am able to have happy thoughts and memories.
Took Jack to church this morning. We have been going on Sunday mornings for a number of reasons. First he has to go during school and he was very misbehaved the last time.. Sister requested he not attend church with thte class until he can behave. We have been practicing. He is very interested in where GOD is. WHO GOD is? What are we doing HERE?
WHERE IS POP POP?
It has been mostly entertaining. Except for when I dont know the answer and have a feeling that I am lying to him. I try to explain the IDEA of FAITH. Well Jack we cant see God but this is his house and we are here to say Thank You for having a good week and to help us have another good week.
Hmmm. This boy is just beyond words.
He asks questions that adults dont ask.
He observes and responds, more than I would like sometimes, but....
I am being challenged on a daily basis. I made a decision to NOT GIVE UP ON THIS BOY.
You would think that every parent has that commitment. I did too. But then he has been a challenge the past few years.
And honestly times when I want to just walk away.
The past few weeks I answer my fears, frustrations, anger, sadness, discouragement with
"I will not give up on you."
"You will never be given a chance to think you are unloved."
"When you think you cant I will be there to say YES YOU WILL"
One day last week I picked him up from school and he had a particularly bad day. He was crying, I was on the verge on losing it.
"Why do you do these things Jack?. WHY!"
"I dont know Mommy, Im sorry, I want to be a good boy, I cant do it..."
He meant it.
He wants to do the right things, he loves positive praise and reinforcement.
He just doesnt know how to diffuse himself in the process or winding up. He is almost like an observer in his own behaviors.
We have no other choice but to get through this healthy, together, and with Jack in a state of well being and stability.
I cant accept anything else. I came to the realization that if Andy and I dont give him 100% we will be failing him for the rest of his life. This is a time in his life where there needs to be no break, no easy way out.
God gave us a beautiful, sweet, loving, smart, ingenious, child.
Our job is to show him off to the rest of the world the way everyone else can admire him. Whatever way that may be.
So on Pops Birthday, I say Miss you Dad, wish you were here, there is always a thought of you in my mind, a vision of a happy day in my memory, and a glimpse of courage in my own heart, because I know that is what you would EXPECT from me.
You would never allow this child to get lost, so when I so want to hide, I will recall COURAGE and tell Jack,
WE will.
But honestly I feel pretty good today. I woke with the lingering vision of him from a last minute dream I had. He was wearing his worn out blue jeans, red suspenders a blue plaid shirt and his old dirty work boots. He was wearing a babseball cap and he was normal and happy. We were out the mountain and he was sitting on the swing in the back of the house. I dont recall a conversation, just a feeling that all was well. So I woke with a picture of him in my mind when everything was fine.
I am getting better I think. That is not to say I am not missing him or the life we had of "nothing bad ever happens to us", but I am able to have happy thoughts and memories.
Took Jack to church this morning. We have been going on Sunday mornings for a number of reasons. First he has to go during school and he was very misbehaved the last time.. Sister requested he not attend church with thte class until he can behave. We have been practicing. He is very interested in where GOD is. WHO GOD is? What are we doing HERE?
WHERE IS POP POP?
It has been mostly entertaining. Except for when I dont know the answer and have a feeling that I am lying to him. I try to explain the IDEA of FAITH. Well Jack we cant see God but this is his house and we are here to say Thank You for having a good week and to help us have another good week.
Hmmm. This boy is just beyond words.
He asks questions that adults dont ask.
He observes and responds, more than I would like sometimes, but....
I am being challenged on a daily basis. I made a decision to NOT GIVE UP ON THIS BOY.
You would think that every parent has that commitment. I did too. But then he has been a challenge the past few years.
And honestly times when I want to just walk away.
The past few weeks I answer my fears, frustrations, anger, sadness, discouragement with
"I will not give up on you."
"You will never be given a chance to think you are unloved."
"When you think you cant I will be there to say YES YOU WILL"
One day last week I picked him up from school and he had a particularly bad day. He was crying, I was on the verge on losing it.
"Why do you do these things Jack?. WHY!"
"I dont know Mommy, Im sorry, I want to be a good boy, I cant do it..."
He meant it.
He wants to do the right things, he loves positive praise and reinforcement.
He just doesnt know how to diffuse himself in the process or winding up. He is almost like an observer in his own behaviors.
We have no other choice but to get through this healthy, together, and with Jack in a state of well being and stability.
I cant accept anything else. I came to the realization that if Andy and I dont give him 100% we will be failing him for the rest of his life. This is a time in his life where there needs to be no break, no easy way out.
God gave us a beautiful, sweet, loving, smart, ingenious, child.
Our job is to show him off to the rest of the world the way everyone else can admire him. Whatever way that may be.
So on Pops Birthday, I say Miss you Dad, wish you were here, there is always a thought of you in my mind, a vision of a happy day in my memory, and a glimpse of courage in my own heart, because I know that is what you would EXPECT from me.
You would never allow this child to get lost, so when I so want to hide, I will recall COURAGE and tell Jack,
WE will.
Comments