There was a moment...

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Andy, Jack and I went to the beach. We left 7ish on Sunday morning and were ont he beach by 11. It was a beautiful day and the boy hasnt been in a few years and it was a cheap treat for all of us.
We drove, chatted, listened to Jacks movies playing on the mini dvd player in the back.
I reminisced about trips of years before with the girls and Tim. Interestingly enough Andy doesnt mind the Timmy stories.
Driving on the 4th of July to the beach with our two children and two of my cousins for a week at the beach.
Bumper to bumper 8 hr drive. argggh.
Anywho, we went directly to the beach and jack loved the sand. He dug rivers and holes and filled with water then watched it drain. He was the most beautiful child there. I must admit though I didnt realize the extent of his speech difficulties until several children and adults looked at him like he was speaking another language.
One occasion especially a mother said "what" "What did he say?" about four times.
I understand everything he is getting at. I guess I need to be more diligent.
On Monday morning we went to the beach.
It was about 1030ish, Jack and Andy were at the playground and I sat at the edge of the water and beach.
Had my beach chair pulled right to where the water crests.
I realized it was 4 yrs to the hour that my Dad died.
And there was a moment... a clear moment sitting by the water that I felt...Peace.
I felt that everything was just the way it was supposed to be.
We were all where we needed to be and doing what should be done.
I felt tension leave me, and I took a breath of salty warm misty air and closed my eyes.
I finally felt something.
I have been writing about "feeling something" and thinking about waiting for Peace to come to me concerning the details of Dads death.
I felt for a few brief moments that "its ok."
"im ok"
"we will all be ok."
I got a sudden urge to believe that death, or the details of the death dont actually matter.
What matters are the moments that made that life so unforgettable.
The difficulty in letting go is from the intensity of living.
Living life with intensity and passion is A BLESSING.
I have been holding onto details, things that dont matter anymore.
What matters is the energy we generated and family that has been created because of LOVE.
So for moments I was shrunken down to a small piece of the universe and given power to forgive myself.
I listened to the oceans consistency and felt safe in predictability.
Everything happens for a reason, change is destiny, flexibility and compassion a must in a family that is determined to endure.
Thanks Dad for giving so I could take.
As always.

Comments

Unknown said…
That was absolutely, stunningly beautiful.
6:06 PM
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