5 years of everything.....
I remember about ten years ago telling someone that I felt like I was in a minefield and everyone else I knew was stepping on mines, besides me.
My friends father had died, someone had breast cancer, siblings were in serious car accidents, babies born with defects.
These things never affected me or my family. But always felting pending doom, or a "knowing" that my time would come to grieve, panic, cry.
It was during that time in my life that I made things harder for myself.
I asked for drama, looked for it actually. I was "bored" and needed to "feel" something. So I tiptoed through places I shouldn't have been, and did a few things that I am not proud of.
That said. I am who I am because of these experiences. I took a quiet predictable life and ground as a pepper grinder and turned it into "something else".
I never anticipated life making MY LIFE the experience it has been since those days.
I was a semi spoiled, overly confident, infant.
I had two healthy young girls that were agreeable and easy and fun. They LOVED the Mom that appeared to worry about nothing. We were just WINGING IT!
Then Tim left. Totally stunned and shocked it was the first time someone wasn't doing what I expected, or what I wanted to happen.
Hmm, life was making a decision for me and I wasnt in control? SERIOUSLY?
I remember my desperation on Saturday mornings.
I would call Tims apt and he wouldn't answer. Call again, again, again.
cell phone again, again, again.
How is it possible jhe wont answer my calls.?
How dare he ignore me.?
Ill call again, again again.
cell phone again again again.
hundreds of times. Just to hear it ring, then answering machine then a message of "How dare you, leave me like this. What if something were really wrong you wouldnt know"
We all know how this story ends. We are generally friends now. Long stiry short. I learned a little lesson at that junction. People dont ALWAYS do want you want SUZIE~
Then comes the Jack pregnancy and then marriage to Andy.
The day I got married I remember thinking that if things dont work out Ill just get divorced again.
How selfish is that?
I think my turning over came when I woke up from my heart attack.
It was then that I realized Life is not ABOUT SUZIE,
Life is just including SUZIE at this moment, which doesn't promise anything for ten minute from now.
I realized through a series of "visions" that the choices I have made in the past effected and affected many many other people.
I dont think I was ever INTENTIONALLY HURTFUL or SELFISH.
Just self involved.
I try to think now about how THIS decision, will effect THAT person.
How one choice or turn can change the perspective and experience of another.
I dont want to waste the opportunity I was given to "be good" "Give freely" and to "think"
I am far from perfect I know that, I just want to continue to try. Try to see the good in people, Think before I act or react.
Keep my emotional heart in check.
My little boy turned 5 yesterday.
I remember it being a very difficult delivery, I remember feeling as if I werent an important part of the process. It was 8 30 at night an emergency c section and the residents doing it were definately not concerned about the pt, just the outcome.
I went to recovery, and Jack went to the NICU.
He wasnt breathing on his own. I still wasnt worried.
God wouldnt take my boy. "I HAD GOTTEN MARRIED FOR THIS BOY!"
It wasn't until 4 days later that I realized Life is too fragile to take so PERSONALLY.
I remember having someone doing CPR on me in the cath lab and looking up I couldnt breath, someone was sitting on my lap pushing on my chest and someone else was putting a tube down my throat. I couldn't move, just watch and think....
These people better save me, I have children to live for.
I had a "vision" of my life. How ordinary it was. How extraordinary the PEOPLE in my life were.
I hope that I can do justice in living past those days.
Into the days I have now 5 years later.
I know I love my babies. No matter how big they are, they are always my babies.
They remain my REASON for day to day.
Even on messy kitchen, chili cleanup, laundry, cat shit/puke, financial aid form filling, lego stepping, work, ex husbands worst day....
I hope it has been worth the trip.
I will continue to love you all until my last breath, and then some.
My friends father had died, someone had breast cancer, siblings were in serious car accidents, babies born with defects.
These things never affected me or my family. But always felting pending doom, or a "knowing" that my time would come to grieve, panic, cry.
It was during that time in my life that I made things harder for myself.
I asked for drama, looked for it actually. I was "bored" and needed to "feel" something. So I tiptoed through places I shouldn't have been, and did a few things that I am not proud of.
That said. I am who I am because of these experiences. I took a quiet predictable life and ground as a pepper grinder and turned it into "something else".
I never anticipated life making MY LIFE the experience it has been since those days.
I was a semi spoiled, overly confident, infant.
I had two healthy young girls that were agreeable and easy and fun. They LOVED the Mom that appeared to worry about nothing. We were just WINGING IT!
Then Tim left. Totally stunned and shocked it was the first time someone wasn't doing what I expected, or what I wanted to happen.
Hmm, life was making a decision for me and I wasnt in control? SERIOUSLY?
I remember my desperation on Saturday mornings.
I would call Tims apt and he wouldn't answer. Call again, again, again.
cell phone again, again, again.
How is it possible jhe wont answer my calls.?
How dare he ignore me.?
Ill call again, again again.
cell phone again again again.
hundreds of times. Just to hear it ring, then answering machine then a message of "How dare you, leave me like this. What if something were really wrong you wouldnt know"
We all know how this story ends. We are generally friends now. Long stiry short. I learned a little lesson at that junction. People dont ALWAYS do want you want SUZIE~
Then comes the Jack pregnancy and then marriage to Andy.
The day I got married I remember thinking that if things dont work out Ill just get divorced again.
How selfish is that?
I think my turning over came when I woke up from my heart attack.
It was then that I realized Life is not ABOUT SUZIE,
Life is just including SUZIE at this moment, which doesn't promise anything for ten minute from now.
I realized through a series of "visions" that the choices I have made in the past effected and affected many many other people.
I dont think I was ever INTENTIONALLY HURTFUL or SELFISH.
Just self involved.
I try to think now about how THIS decision, will effect THAT person.
How one choice or turn can change the perspective and experience of another.
I dont want to waste the opportunity I was given to "be good" "Give freely" and to "think"
I am far from perfect I know that, I just want to continue to try. Try to see the good in people, Think before I act or react.
Keep my emotional heart in check.
My little boy turned 5 yesterday.
I remember it being a very difficult delivery, I remember feeling as if I werent an important part of the process. It was 8 30 at night an emergency c section and the residents doing it were definately not concerned about the pt, just the outcome.
I went to recovery, and Jack went to the NICU.
He wasnt breathing on his own. I still wasnt worried.
God wouldnt take my boy. "I HAD GOTTEN MARRIED FOR THIS BOY!"
It wasn't until 4 days later that I realized Life is too fragile to take so PERSONALLY.
I remember having someone doing CPR on me in the cath lab and looking up I couldnt breath, someone was sitting on my lap pushing on my chest and someone else was putting a tube down my throat. I couldn't move, just watch and think....
These people better save me, I have children to live for.
I had a "vision" of my life. How ordinary it was. How extraordinary the PEOPLE in my life were.
I hope that I can do justice in living past those days.
Into the days I have now 5 years later.
I know I love my babies. No matter how big they are, they are always my babies.
They remain my REASON for day to day.
Even on messy kitchen, chili cleanup, laundry, cat shit/puke, financial aid form filling, lego stepping, work, ex husbands worst day....
I hope it has been worth the trip.
I will continue to love you all until my last breath, and then some.
Comments
Great post and so glad you're living life to the fullest.