where i would be.

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Im not feeling it tonight.
Not even a little.
I am feeling like a failure, I feel disconnected from my choices and flailing at the last second treading water.
I came to the realization that I feel bound by the overwhelming idea,
"what difference does it make I am going to die soon anyway."
I am not asking anyone to respond or worry, I feel fine.
Physically I am doing fine.
Emotionally I feel over.

I have been using the decision making tool that "Does it affect me now?, No, then I dont care."

I am living in one sense by the minute, but in another way I am not making any decisions or choices today for the long run.
I dont have retirement-I dont need it.
I dont worry too much about my marriage, just get through today, he can meet someone else when I am gone.
I am not looking for a different job because, what else is there other than a paycheck?
I follow a blog that the writer is always brainstorming new jobs, adventures, relationship possibilities,.
I realize I dont do that.
Why? I feel as if Im over already.
Now I dont think Im depressed-I might be.
I have good days, I feel smart, effective, somewhat attractive.
I also have days when I feel like right now-Just going through the motions until someone makes me do something different.

If I were to daydream a bit, I wouldnt live here.
I would have a little apartment with hardly any "stuff". (Did I tell you I hate stuff anymore.)
I would be somewhere warm, but still have seasons.
Near a bigger city with shops and bistro's and strangers to talk to.
I would open a sweet shop, with cookies, cakes, milkshakes, coffee, iced tea of every flavor and every bit of itty bitty thing imaginable.
Little books, little cd's, little movies, pictures, paintings, notecards, postcards, socks, slippers, tea cups, little flower arrangements.
At 7 every night I would lock the door to the front and go upstairs to my little apartment and check my receipts for the day, and write a chapter in my book.
No lovers- No affairs- Just kids that call on me with bits of news and noisy houses in the background.
Friends are welcome for a cup of tea, coffee and chat.
Ill read and write and tend my customers, pay my bills and let the sun shine through my windows even early in the morning.
(My window will always be open a crack even when its chilly out, I need some fresh air)
My clothes will be clean and match, my hair gray and curly, my eyes still blue, my belly still wider than necessary.
My heart still broken, but "fixed"
My heart still broken, but "lamenting"
My heart still broken, but "moving"
My heart still broken but "hopeful"

Dust will be wiped with the socks from the day, sheets will be the most expensive thing in the house.
furniture wont match, but each piece will talk to you of someone we loved and will welcome everyone with a pillow and footstool.
The walls will have all the PICTURES of THEM,
The music will be sounds of Natalie,Eva,Annie, Sade, and smell of flower blooms.

Stop by and visit.

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