No, Its not gone.....

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I'm just so tired
Won't you sing me to sleep
And fly through my dreams
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight
And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just ain't the same without you in my life

Late night drives, all alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines from all our favorite songs
And melodies in the air
Singin' life just ain't fair
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here

Feel your fire,
When its cold in my heart
And things sorta start
Remindin' me of my last night with you
I only need one more day
Just one more chance to say
I wish that I had gone up with you too

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here
You won't be comin' back
And I didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
I really wish I got to say goodbye

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
I hope that all is well in heaven (well in heaven)
Cuz it's all shot to hell down here (we need you)
I hope that I find you in heaven
Cuz I'm so...
Lost without you down here

You won't be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
I really wish I got to say gooooodbye

Hung out with my best friends last night. Shirley and Amy were at my side when I could finally see after my surgery. Amy and Allie held my hands and told me to breathe.
Amy's Dad passed away Thanksgiving 2003.
My Dad was August 2006
Shirleys Dad just passed away this November 2009.
We laughed last night, talked silly girl stuff, watched Greys Anatomy and then had a few tears after talking about our favorite guys in heaven.
I have been telling myself that all is well. I am ok. I could be worse. I could be - not getting by.
I am very good at avoidance.
I spend more time in denial and planning my escape routes than facing my fears, doubts, and shortcomings.
I like to tell myself i am "brave",
Am I brave or just a bottle neck stoic?
What does that mean anyway? To be brave.
What constitutes bravery in a life as safe and sheltered as mine?
Am I brave to keep pushing through when I had death by the tail? That is not brave that is survival, anyone would do that.
There is a saying somewhere that life is sweeter in a challenged life.
These are the questions of the ages, and I am here to listen to them in my mind, and challenge them in my families lives.
I am courageous, I am forgiving, I have an open heart and an open mind. I accept people for their goodness and excuse their errors, at their request.
I forgive myself for the errors of everyday, but dont want to repeat, but do.

Heaven is waiting for me if I behave.

My family will all be there and I certainly dont want to miss a single minute with them.
I need to prepare a place for my children, I understand jesus is preparing a place made JUST FOR ME if I choose His way.
But I still like the idea of preparing a place for my children and their childrens children.
The seeds of eternity are planted here and our lives on earth are just a speck on the scale of forever.
We are given our motivation here and rewarded in the forever.
I am rambling. Love to all.

Just a poem that I love, put here for my Son to read someday, because I love him more than words.
If—
by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master;
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run--
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

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