Flaming June's Love

A lot of stuff but not much to say. Andy, JAck and I went with Nana Danny and my nephew Ben went to an amusement park that is about one hour away. The place knoebels grove is an old pashioned amusement park that has maintained itself and remains a lovely family park. Jack had a ball and rode rideds and ate junk food all day. Every ride reminded me of days with my girls. Tim, no Tim, Amy, bu talways my girls. Life changes and times change. Gilrs were working and at school so we went for the day without them. I found it a sweet day with our beautiful boy and I still felt a twinge of guilt, loss and longing for the old days. I am getting exactly what I asked for my girls are growing up and responsible smart and flourishing. Life is good,. I sometimes I dont want that. I like the feeling of being needed. My girl ended her relationship with her boyfriend of two years. It was difficult and she is feeling the loss now. I know she is sure she did the right thing because she needs ...

I have spoken of my friend Maryellen a few times and I can look back and find the blog entries around the time of her death. Allie and her daughter Jackie have ben friends for as long as first grade. They had a love hate relationship for many years and then at the time when I wa inthe hospital to the time Maryellen died they became grownup friends. They almost had too really. Since we moved Jackie hasnt been over that much because she isnt the best driver. She came over for dinner on Monday night and it was so sweet. Nice and cozy like the old days if only for a short while. Andy will be on the road next week and I am almost looking forward to it. Not because Idont love him but it will be nice to have a lil girl time. Jackie is the beautiful red head on the porch and the other pics are of the girls and Jack on the same night. I know Maryellen would be so proud of her girl now. She is trying really hard and is getting more and more beautiful everyday. Of course had to throw in t...

I am so full of analogies or comparisons lately. I see things as what they are and then something turns on inside and I the unassuming balloon becomes... something else. Jack loves balloons I have posted pics of him throughout his three years of him and numerous holidays and coinciding balloons. Nothing was different for this his third birthday. He had an awesome balloon that said Happy Birthday and had an abundance of zoo animals all over it. He loved it. It had the mandatory weight at the bottom so the possibility of floating away was beyond my scope..LOL He had it in his room, every room of the house and finally yesterday out on the back deck. The weight was doing its job and no matter how far or hard he threw it, it would land with a thud. It would float and bob but still remained at its premeasured and standard five feet. As I was in and out of the house it would take note of its location and go on my way. It was at times in his hand around his feet or just, "lurking...

Yeah so the anniversary month from hell is almost over. I am kinda sad that Jacks birthday will always be attached to some really shitty things but then again there is always a bright part to my bad month forever. I am officially on the planet three years longer than I really should be. Now if you ask GOD He will tell you that everything happensed exactly as is was supposed to happen but if you talk to anyone else that was around there int hat hospital they will have another story. I remember that day was a Thursday and I breast fed Jack for the first and only time that day. I knew I was having trouble breathing and feeling really fatigued, but who would have thought that. I dont want to hash it all back up again I really need not be that person anymore I guess. I dont want to to be that person anymore. I dont want to think that everytime I feel a twinge or short of breath or indigestion I am about to drop dead but truly it is a little hard to let go of sometimes. ok so why am I g...

Had a great day and our boy is now a three year old. He got so many car items and he loves them. I am attaching some of them here. Love to all of you and I will write more soon.

OK so do you remember riding your bike? If you havent done it in a while I tell you it is not, I REPEAT the same as when you were twelve. This event happened about a week ago but just had the thought pop back on into town, (You know my brain...) OK so I am riding along the dike,? dyke? (spelling wrong, political fopah IM sure, sorry...) anyway along the river with my boy on the back and the path is maybe ten feet wide. Yeah thats wide... well put a three year old on the back that cant sit still and points and yells at every bird and remarks about all the aiwwpwaayyyyssss (c'mon thats airplane..) He is a wiggling jostling turbo back there and I cant see him except a shadow occasionally depending on the direction we are riding. So I am not a confident bicyclist, maybe 4 on the scale of one to ten. Fine with just Jack and I, but.... damn put someone else up there coming the other way and I turn into a wobbling feet dragging wining ooohhhnooo person. OKL to get to the point th...

I have been stirring and wrenching a thought through my head all day and how to put it into words is going to take a bit of imagery on the readers part but bear with me... I have been wrangling the whole time and space continuum for a while now. The concept of time overlapping on itself and just layering memories and happenings like a burritto? Her goes my theory.... I imagine my memories and thoughts and lifetime something of layers rising from the ground and becoming lighter as they get older until they get so light and whispy that they just float and fluff above our heads until they get stirred by whatever might be happening that day and they lilt down to our consciousness if only for a few seconds and they lift again to higher place. They dont become any less or more of anything just further away and more difficult to reach. Take for instance something that happened yesterday may be close to the ground in memories and can be recalled by my very walking about the house and ther...

OK I can whine and cry and be bitter and shit but I am not doing it today. I did post some videos of my favorite memories of my Dad and to be honest I think Davey will be the only one to get them all. I can say each of them represents the most important things to him and some of the biggest hings he meant to me. Thew first of course was an eent that only we can get. The night before I got married my dad had the greatest and most heartfelt laugh I think in his life, Simply put at the expense of no one. Hakuna Matata was his mantra . It remained that way for the rest of his life, and probably ours. The next is wipeout. He was an amazing drummer and could rip this up like no one else. A few beats of wipeout and I smile no matter where or when it will be him to me. The next is Pat Boone, he would sing to my Mom in the house and he loved to tell us all he sounded just like him. I believe the oke is my Mom may have at one time in her youth told him he sounded like Pat Boone and He ne...

I felt him today, so close to what holds me to this place. I was thinking about where we were two years ago. I was thinking about what hes physically missed. I just felt a sudden tug at my mortality and my place in this world and how close the other side is. I had Allie in the car and I just started to cry. I was crying about how proud he must be of her. She is working her job, going to school at night and along with that being a great kid. I want him to see that. I was thinking about how Missi gets more and more beautiful everyday and how he waited for her to come home from school everyday, then made her toast and milk. I was thinking that he would be so proud of me, yes I am saying it. I have been doing alright lately. Pushing forward and trying my best to be a good mom and wife and sister and daughter. All that stuff and I do it so that someday I will see him again and the whole family can sit and chat for eternity. I was driving along and just felt he was alright. I felt clo...

I found this book a few weeks ago at the ole B&N. I read it sitting there. I fell in love. I found today that he died on the 25th of July. I do believe that people are gifts, this one was amazing.