kills me.

-


Riding in the car today and had a hankering for a lil bit o'country. (That NEVER HAPPENS)
I heard this tune pop on. and man I bawled my eyes out for a good ten minutes. I think sometimes life just turns a few degrees to one side or the other and it just never gets back on track. I think my Dads death just set me off my track and I have never gotten back on. Remember as a kid the cars that ran on tracks with a remote and it could go faster or slower with your controller? If the car was off just a lil bit it would run but, rattle, skip and sputter along the track like it just wasnt wanting to go anywhere? well I feel like that sometimes. I used this analogy before but it is so appropriate, A stripped screw. I dig in I push hard and just never seem to catch anything solid.
Had some news today from Andys work and it looks like he wont be with this company past July. Economy is hitting and I guess this house is about to feel that crunch too. I for some reason am not too worried about it though, he has an interview tomorrow with a company with similar features, comparable pay and he is a go getter I am not going to worry until he seems worried.
The heat is really really really bad here. I take jack tot he pool and get cooled of only to get home and be just as hot. Cooler tomorrow though so that is a good thing.
I will be 42 on Wed. Yeah the one that was never supposed so grow up is just about there.... you know... a grown up!!!
The worst thing about y birthday this year is It would have been my twentieth anniversary with Tim. yeah I got married on my birthday the first time around. It seemed like a great idea t the time LOL, now it just reminds me of my shortcomings on a day I should be happy. I would love to see him and erase everything that has happened. Our ten yr anniversary we went out for dinner, my mom and dad watched the girls they were 8 and 6, he gave me a watch, he surprised me which never happens.

I am sorry about....
everything.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Kiss

-
Image
  It has been 75 days. When I went to bed at night I would cry, every night.  My Mom would begin the process of "bedtime" at least 30 minutes before I actually had to go to my room.  She would give me the countdown. "Next commercial break"  "Ten more minutes"  "Go get your last drink of water" Some nights she would begin to doze and I would squeeze another 10 minutes until the dreaded bed time. Then began the process.  We would go to my room, which was only 12 feet from the living room in all actuality, but it was miles in my little girl heart.  Mom would pull down the covers, tuck me in, give me all of my comfort things and then I would cry.  The more she tried to make me comfortable with the thought of sleeping, alone, the harder I would cry.  If she would just say go to bed, it would have been easier. We would say my prayers together, Our Father, Hail Mary and then all of the God Bless's. The God Blesses were my definite way to get her to ...
Read more

Ayla

-
Image
 When I was in High School my best friend was Amy.  I don't remember how we met or where, but somehow we just clicked.  I believe it was probably on the patio where in the 1980's you could go outside and smoke cigarettes with your friends on free mods or breaks.  Yep those were the days.   We were in 10th grade which made us 15.  I smoked Parliament light 100's  with the recessed filters (IYKYK) and she smoked Benson and Hedges.  She was a cheerleader that was so far from the "cheerleader" type it would crack us up.  We wrote notes in those days, scraps of paper that we would purge our daily trials onto, fold in some triangular football shape and pass to one another in the hall.  We could fill a note throughout the day and then I would throw it into a box for the ages to find someday.  We were able to talk endlessly about music, people, boyfriends, animals, school, college, parents, divorce, siblings, hours of chat.  We al...
Read more

No, not that.

-
Image
 Lets talk about graduation parties!  Should I order the chicken scampi or marsala for the chicken dish?  Cakes and cupcakes or cookies?  DJ or photo booth or both? So we decorate the cake with Wyoming Seminary as a graduate or Penn State as his college destination? No, we wont talk about that.  You know, the "drophimoffandleavehimtherepart" or the "Ihaveabsolutelynopurposewithouthiminmydailygrind" lets not forget "Whenyoufoughttoliveforthisboyandnowheisgoingwhylive?" OK OK I'm not going to end my life because Jack is leaving for college, but for christs sake what the fuck is my purpose now?  I am struggling, struggling with so many things right now. I know my struggle on paper is nothing compared to so many other people.  My weight, my hair, my boy, my heart, my future.  I want to just get to the point where I can just take him and drop him off.  Rush through this summer and get it over with, pull off the bandaid quick and start the new chap...
Read more