hello... goodbye...
I am good thank you. My boy was an angel today. He was smart and beautiful and I so want to share him with everyone.
I have put his app in for montessori school for the fall. I think he will blossom.
Missi is counting the days til the end of school. I dont blame her.
Allie is doing fine and working hard everyday. Out in the evenings but what else do 18 yr olds do?
Andy is away on business and home tomorrow for the weekend.
I am just kinda the door holder I feel sometimes. I greet and listen and uhhuh everyone and add my two cents when I feel necessary but I dont feel as though I share too much of my own stuff.
I am sure they would listen but does it all really matter?
I have classrooms full of students. They are adult learners coming back to school for a career and I am their leader to say.
I teach them stuff they thought they could never learn. I am the class they look forward to because I "encourage them and make then feel as thought hey can do it."
I dont think the people in my house know these things. I have about 50 students this semester and they are counting on me.
I have coworkers that come to me for advice and guidance because they trust my judgement. I listen to everyone, I like it. I just wonder who would I talk to if I really truly wanted to tell the truth.???
I think alot of stuff that I dare not say out loud. I dont write things as much as I should because you just never know and plus things dont write the same as spoken. What am I getting at... I am thinking of going to therapy or counseling again. I want to talk without judgement, I want to ramble on and on about the same shit and make someone listen to me. i want to say things about myself and not worry about the opinion someone might have about what I said. I want to verbalize the shocking things in my head that I would love to just spew all over someone ELSES conscience.... then write a check and leave.
I remember going to counseling years ago and telling a therapist a story of something I did.
Here is the crazy thing... It was a totally made up story I told her. I made it up so I could get a reaction out of her!!!!! She listened and uhhuhh 'd me and I just kept going on and on. It was awesome. A dream come true for a person like me. I made up the whole thing with imaginary people reactions, places.
At the end of the session I told her it was all made up. She said she knew that and I am not he only `person to do that.
What am I getting at , I want someone to hold the door for me for a little while. I want to blab and not expect the consequences. Feelings I am having, thoughts I flip through in my day. Dreams I have, real and imagined. The guilt I have that I replay over and over again.... yeah that stuff> I want to say it over and over again until It is gone.
I say something and I cry. I think that means I need to say it more.
WARNING++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am going to start purging here again. Good bad and ugly idifferent. I am going to say it again for my own benefit. so forewarned It may get ugly but it will always be what s going on in my head and my truth.
Here is a start to the purge.
1. I dont really like my daughters boyfriend she can do so much better andhe is terribly boring.
2. I think my exhusband looks ten times better now than he did when I married him.
3. I like when ANdy leaves for business trips I can do my own thing and not have to worry about what he is thinking.
4. I think I really only trust one person. Amy
5. If I could go back in time I would go to 2004 August and start over from there
6. I would like to take dancing lessons but dont have anyone to go with.
7. I dont have any friends.
8. I think Missi is smarter than she lets on and I let her get away with that.
9. I wish I never got the dog and when she dies I will be secretly relieved.
10. I look at some people when I am out and wonder what they are like in bed.
What does this shit mean. Absolutely nothing. Fuck this whole post is worthless.
I have put his app in for montessori school for the fall. I think he will blossom.
Missi is counting the days til the end of school. I dont blame her.
Allie is doing fine and working hard everyday. Out in the evenings but what else do 18 yr olds do?
Andy is away on business and home tomorrow for the weekend.
I am just kinda the door holder I feel sometimes. I greet and listen and uhhuh everyone and add my two cents when I feel necessary but I dont feel as though I share too much of my own stuff.
I am sure they would listen but does it all really matter?
I have classrooms full of students. They are adult learners coming back to school for a career and I am their leader to say.
I teach them stuff they thought they could never learn. I am the class they look forward to because I "encourage them and make then feel as thought hey can do it."
I dont think the people in my house know these things. I have about 50 students this semester and they are counting on me.
I have coworkers that come to me for advice and guidance because they trust my judgement. I listen to everyone, I like it. I just wonder who would I talk to if I really truly wanted to tell the truth.???
I think alot of stuff that I dare not say out loud. I dont write things as much as I should because you just never know and plus things dont write the same as spoken. What am I getting at... I am thinking of going to therapy or counseling again. I want to talk without judgement, I want to ramble on and on about the same shit and make someone listen to me. i want to say things about myself and not worry about the opinion someone might have about what I said. I want to verbalize the shocking things in my head that I would love to just spew all over someone ELSES conscience.... then write a check and leave.
I remember going to counseling years ago and telling a therapist a story of something I did.
Here is the crazy thing... It was a totally made up story I told her. I made it up so I could get a reaction out of her!!!!! She listened and uhhuhh 'd me and I just kept going on and on. It was awesome. A dream come true for a person like me. I made up the whole thing with imaginary people reactions, places.
At the end of the session I told her it was all made up. She said she knew that and I am not he only `person to do that.
What am I getting at , I want someone to hold the door for me for a little while. I want to blab and not expect the consequences. Feelings I am having, thoughts I flip through in my day. Dreams I have, real and imagined. The guilt I have that I replay over and over again.... yeah that stuff> I want to say it over and over again until It is gone.
I say something and I cry. I think that means I need to say it more.
WARNING++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am going to start purging here again. Good bad and ugly idifferent. I am going to say it again for my own benefit. so forewarned It may get ugly but it will always be what s going on in my head and my truth.
Here is a start to the purge.
1. I dont really like my daughters boyfriend she can do so much better andhe is terribly boring.
2. I think my exhusband looks ten times better now than he did when I married him.
3. I like when ANdy leaves for business trips I can do my own thing and not have to worry about what he is thinking.
4. I think I really only trust one person. Amy
5. If I could go back in time I would go to 2004 August and start over from there
6. I would like to take dancing lessons but dont have anyone to go with.
7. I dont have any friends.
8. I think Missi is smarter than she lets on and I let her get away with that.
9. I wish I never got the dog and when she dies I will be secretly relieved.
10. I look at some people when I am out and wonder what they are like in bed.
What does this shit mean. Absolutely nothing. Fuck this whole post is worthless.
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