can you hear that?

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Do you ever wonder if the things that cross YOUR mind are anything close to what OTHER people think about?
I have memories of hearing voices mumbling when it was really quiet as a child.
I remember thinking I had bugs in my ears because I could hear them marching.
I was sure there were people that never made it to earth and were counting on me to think about everything in my day so they could live them with me.
I remember telling myself not to think about certain "bad" things too long because SOMEONE would know.
I recall feeling that my family really didnt like me but tolerated me until I went to bed and then they would all laugh at me.
I would never look at someone I thought was ugly or dumb because I was afraid I would find myself to be in worse shape than they were.

What makes these revelations or admissions ever more... unnerving is that I know I am not crazy, I am just being honest.
I am far from excellent. I am a stones throw away from alright. I have abilities to be amazing, yet only courage enough for mediocrity.

I am almost always afraid. Loss, pain-both physical and mental. Discovery- both self and others. independence- my own and my children.

I have lost ground as if in battle. I believe I am worn. a stripped screw. No matter how hard I may try I wont ever catch again. I think I missed my chance. I am so able to give up anymore. Easy with excuses and easier with uncalled for apology. I look for easy retreat with least amount of resistance because my undoing has been such a slow process rebuilding is at least, dare I say... monumental.
Tiring, slow click that just strips away that microscopic edge of awareness.
ME: "Does that seem right?"
Suzie: "No you stupid ass, thats totally fu$%#ered"
ME: "Why would someone do that though that would be sooo wrong?"
Suzie: "Oh you poor soul you really are dumb, Do I need to have another heart attack so you wake up? cuz I will you ignoramus, really I will!!!"
ME: "No, I will try to wake up and get a grip on things, I dont really want to go through that again."
Suzie:" Good then pull your shit together and get on the bus to reality and stop waiting for the voices to clear up and tell you where to go cuz then, my dear, you will REALLY be FU%^$ed."

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