Oh yeah well.... I feel worse.
I have a blogger site that I go to every few days to check in on. I never comment her becaue she has alot of friends and family that tell her enough, more than Iwould know what to say.
I read her blog because in a sick and twisted way (full on honesty here)- her pain puts my loss into perspective. She delivered twin boys at 32 weeks, One boy survived and is perfectly well, small but well. The other child suffered severe brain damage from incompetent placenta and lack of O2. He lived a total of 6 weeks and then died inher arms. They were not aware of the severity of his injuries until after his death. They believed they were going to be bringing home two healthy boys until a few days before his death.
OK what am I getting at. Well she made a very very profound entry the other day and it has taken me a while to digest. She has gotten a few negative comments from readers concerning, "their loss compared to her loss and how she only had her son for 6 weeks and she shoudnt feel as bad as they do with the loss of their teenager, spouse, parent.etc."
She made a very real and very deep observation that why do we have to judge the validity of someone elses pain based on an imaginary slding scare of horror.
She feels guilt about her body's failure to care for her son. How her body let her down in turn let her boy down and he is now dead. She has her other son at home and with him a constant reminder of what she lost.
I at times feel real physical pain from the thoughts of my fathers death. I almost forget for a while and then out of the blue I get an image and that crushing blanket of sadness, fear, shame, and loss comes over me. I realize the loss we have suffered is a natural occurence and that the natural order of the universe is at work. Parents not children. I am not arguing that. I am not arguing anything.
I am missing my friend. I am anticipating a grandson without any positive influence in th form of a grandfather.
I dont want to lose a child, I would have to die myself if that were the case.
I really never wanted to lose a parent either, but the one that I lost---I wasnt ready for that.
I went for a walk this am in the cemetary and I must say I find a whole lot of peace there.
I have died and seen the other side. I am not afraid of that day for myself. I actually relish the thought of going to a place where I KNOW THERE IS A SWIRLING LIGHTNESS OF LOVE. My fear is what is left behind. Who is left behind and how they will live without me. I am not so selfish or self absorbed to think no one could go on but I know my son will not know his mother for a very long time. I hope he will rememebr me but will his mother be around for his children. I dont think so. He will have his sisters to tell him how much I LOVE him and how much I wanted him. How happy he made me and how his blue eyes reminded me of my father. How his presence made my life worth living at a time that I didnt want to be ANYWHERE.
In conclusion ladies and gentlemen. I amnot depressed todya, I am in good space acutally. I just ahd a few thoughts to share and really felt it today.
Love to all.
I read her blog because in a sick and twisted way (full on honesty here)- her pain puts my loss into perspective. She delivered twin boys at 32 weeks, One boy survived and is perfectly well, small but well. The other child suffered severe brain damage from incompetent placenta and lack of O2. He lived a total of 6 weeks and then died inher arms. They were not aware of the severity of his injuries until after his death. They believed they were going to be bringing home two healthy boys until a few days before his death.
OK what am I getting at. Well she made a very very profound entry the other day and it has taken me a while to digest. She has gotten a few negative comments from readers concerning, "their loss compared to her loss and how she only had her son for 6 weeks and she shoudnt feel as bad as they do with the loss of their teenager, spouse, parent.etc."
She made a very real and very deep observation that why do we have to judge the validity of someone elses pain based on an imaginary slding scare of horror.
She feels guilt about her body's failure to care for her son. How her body let her down in turn let her boy down and he is now dead. She has her other son at home and with him a constant reminder of what she lost.
I at times feel real physical pain from the thoughts of my fathers death. I almost forget for a while and then out of the blue I get an image and that crushing blanket of sadness, fear, shame, and loss comes over me. I realize the loss we have suffered is a natural occurence and that the natural order of the universe is at work. Parents not children. I am not arguing that. I am not arguing anything.
I am missing my friend. I am anticipating a grandson without any positive influence in th form of a grandfather.
I dont want to lose a child, I would have to die myself if that were the case.
I really never wanted to lose a parent either, but the one that I lost---I wasnt ready for that.
I went for a walk this am in the cemetary and I must say I find a whole lot of peace there.
I have died and seen the other side. I am not afraid of that day for myself. I actually relish the thought of going to a place where I KNOW THERE IS A SWIRLING LIGHTNESS OF LOVE. My fear is what is left behind. Who is left behind and how they will live without me. I am not so selfish or self absorbed to think no one could go on but I know my son will not know his mother for a very long time. I hope he will rememebr me but will his mother be around for his children. I dont think so. He will have his sisters to tell him how much I LOVE him and how much I wanted him. How happy he made me and how his blue eyes reminded me of my father. How his presence made my life worth living at a time that I didnt want to be ANYWHERE.
In conclusion ladies and gentlemen. I amnot depressed todya, I am in good space acutally. I just ahd a few thoughts to share and really felt it today.
Love to all.
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