just a peek.

I mnetioned my teacups and I hope you can appreciate them just a little bit with this pic. I have two other cases full of the pretties.
The other pic is of the kitchen and the lights that I chose for the island. I know they dont look like much but they again are things that I love.
While on the topic of LOVE here ismy boy Jack adn sionce I havent posted ina while you can see he has been growing while I have been away from my computer. He was sick for a bout a good week and lost a few pounds which is a ltot when you only weigh thirty. He is pirking up and starting to come around. His pic of him sleeping is a glimpse at his father asleep. The similarities are really starting to show.
I went to the lawyer today and if i can say that it was the worst I mean it was the worst.
The women that I met with are the paralegals and nurses that reviewed my Dads case. They were all there inthe conference room and i knew something was up when they were all there.
I went in and his chart was all indexed and labeled and and chronicled.
three volumes.
I sat down and they began by saying how sorry they were for our loss and that it was truly a tragedy what happened to our family.
(OK SO NOW WHAT)
They have had the chart for three months and not a day went by that they didnt work on it. They kept it in the middle of the work and continually went back to it searching for that one more thing to send the case over the edge to a likely win in court.
Judy was tearful and said
"I did everything I could to find it, really I did. It just isnt written down or noteable."
What isnt I said. Knowing what she wanted to say but couldnt.
Evidence, enough evidence to win this case cleanly.
She went on to say that she knows it was the phoresis that killed him. there was an error somewhere in the amount of fluid they took off him but couldnt find anywhere to prove it.
They had conference three times with the lead attorney and did everything they could to get it going but he didnt take it.
She apologized up and down and said if we had any questions to call, email, anytime .
AND
Here are your dads records.
OK so now what. I take the records and go on.
I plunked down three weeeks of records int he front of my car and sat there and talked to him.
I was there when they dumped the fluids from the phoresis machine. Rick, Mom and i watched as his fluids went down the drain. I felt a sick feeling in my stomach when they did it but trusted it was ok. I never saw the process before since it was so new. Obviously I figured they didnt know either when the next shift nurse came in and asked where the fluids were and they had to leave the room.
I mentioned that to the lawyer she said it would be my word versus someone elses.
I need to let go of the details and accept the outcome. I relive the process the details the technicalities and in slow motion recall all of my errors. Like a slow motion train wreck.
Breathe through a straw for three minutes.
I torture myself. I want to say something to him and hear him forgive me. If ever I was an ass it was then.
God help me forgive myself.
Help me look at my son and apologize to him for my not being able to introduce him to a man that should be an example.
I dont have moments of clarity anymore in my life. The only clear moments in my life are images of my Dad. Everything else are shades of grey. I wanted to stop taking sleeping pills but now I see his white hair soft and longer than it should have been.
I see his bear paw hands swollen and blue.
I see his scar on his face from a fire covered in a strap holding a tube in his throat.
His blue eyes not moving behind lids as thin as tissue paper. I shout his name in his ear, his lids shudder, blue shines through and fade away to the other side- A side I dont know yet.
Breathing through a straw tonight. I will look at life through a lens with less periphy. I feel with a layer of guilt on the tips of my fingers. I listen with an ear to the ground, waiting for the footsteps of my sheperd coming for me.
When it comes I will be awake again.
I listened to the air as i left the office today for a sound of comfort or relief. There were birds, wind in bare trees, cars with everywhere else to go.
No whistle though and that is an empty sad day.
Never ever sop sorry before.