Barnes and Noble

Tonight was a night from years past. I enjoyed it but it had a bittersweetness to it. The years that I spent married to Tim but alone with the girls I spent almost every weekend at Barnes and Noble. I went there because Tim was asleep on the couch and a real grouch and we needed to get out og the house. So we went there. The girls had their regular spots and I had mine. Funny we made friends withe Saturday night regulars back then and found that there were other women in the same situation or close to the same. Either alone or as close to alone as I was at the time. Allie Missi and I would go about 7 in the evening and stay til 9 ish when Tim would leave for work and then we would stop at Blockbuster on the way home and rent the movie of the week. We spent alot of time with my best friend Maryellens daughter Jackie at the time and we were inseperable. I think that is why we are so close now. My girls and I. Then Amy came into our lives and Barnes and Noble became our place. The four of us would go ona saturday night and et music and books and hang out and chat and just be happy to be. We didnt have much money if any but ther was always enough for that really good cup of coffee and a new cd or book for somebody. We would head on home and snugle down for the night. COzy warm and safe in our little house.
Amy was always my best company and I will alwyas love her for that. We would lay onthe couch and watch movies or read books anything. Just be together and I never felt more loved or comfortable than those yeara with her.
Tonight was a blast from that time.
ANdy was working at the house and had to turn the water off so I thought Jack and I would be better off out of the house for those few hours. I took Jack direcftly to the train section of the store and he loved it. He played with the trains for two hours and I just chatted with the other Mothers and people watched. I saw me from years ago. I saw my irls from years ago. In the process of conversation someone asked if Jack was my first child. I was almost shocked someone could ask me that.
"No I have two daughters also 18 and 16, but they are out tonight with their freinds so Its just Jack and i tonight."
The girls define me. they always have. How can someone not KNOW I have two other parts to me that are missing at the moment. How strange it was to be there sudddnely in that place and not be with them.
I have come around again. Back to the same place I was before with my new best friend. Jack. Only difference is that now I am in the train section instead of the arts and crafts section.
Thats ok I was getting tired of that department anyway, trains are a good place to start over.
I also forgot that I am ok. I really am ok. The time without a man was tough to get used to but I was alright.
PS-
Amy is now in a long term relationship. I think she is officially happy with her now partner. I am happy she is happy. I just miss her. I cant tell you how many times I would fall asleep during a movie and wake up to have her still awake and covering me up and checking on the girls and locking up the house for all of us. I miss her.

I am now sitting here in our new house in a queen size bed with new linens and a view of the river and city lights. I woke up this mornin and thought quickly
"Is it time to go home yet?"
No, not yet. I tell myself avoiding the obvious.
Ill know when it is time to go home. I will also know where home is when I feel it.