I dont know how I m feeling ... thank you for asking/

-
I waited and waited ofr this day to come. Now the day is here and I am sitting here and the day is over and I feel.... different. I feel lonely, sad, defeated, and a failure. I am hoping that it is from my hormones and that this will pass but damn I am having sellers remorse.
I tell myself I did this for the family and that it was time to sell the place anyway but shit this is hard.
I am staying at my Moms place and Ican see the lights on at MY HOUSE down the street and the fu&^%ers are in my house.
I signed it over, Itook a check that doesnt even belong to me and I walked away. I left all my chances of independence on that table today. I am now partnered and attached and unable to get out quick.
THis sounds bad I know but I have always always alwyas been a plan B kind of girl. I have no plan B now. I deposited plan B into the joint account to pay for things in the new house. This is fair and how it should be, I am being selfish and negative and extremely critical. I want my cake and eat it too. Dont you see I AM DIFFERENT!!!
I had dreams of selling that house about 4 years ago and actually looked at a few townhouses. I didnt do it becasue I was pregnant with JAck before a few months and the events changed.
I am sad, I am missing home and want to feel that feeling again somewhre anywhere again I pray I get that again.

My ex husband helped move us this weekend and I was reminded why I married him.

My brother Dan cane in from NY state for the move and was an amazing help. He is having his own dillema laely and I so sympathize. I just want him happy/ Kids grow up and move on with their own lives but rememebr EVERYTHING> I hope he keeps them his number one, I know he will.
OK well its lat and I need to snoop around my house and see what the new people are up to. \
I think I shoud have burned it down instead of letting someone else buy it.?
Yeah that would have fixed it. LOL

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Kiss

-
Image
  It has been 75 days. When I went to bed at night I would cry, every night.  My Mom would begin the process of "bedtime" at least 30 minutes before I actually had to go to my room.  She would give me the countdown. "Next commercial break"  "Ten more minutes"  "Go get your last drink of water" Some nights she would begin to doze and I would squeeze another 10 minutes until the dreaded bed time. Then began the process.  We would go to my room, which was only 12 feet from the living room in all actuality, but it was miles in my little girl heart.  Mom would pull down the covers, tuck me in, give me all of my comfort things and then I would cry.  The more she tried to make me comfortable with the thought of sleeping, alone, the harder I would cry.  If she would just say go to bed, it would have been easier. We would say my prayers together, Our Father, Hail Mary and then all of the God Bless's. The God Blesses were my definite way to get her to ...
Read more

Ayla

-
Image
 When I was in High School my best friend was Amy.  I don't remember how we met or where, but somehow we just clicked.  I believe it was probably on the patio where in the 1980's you could go outside and smoke cigarettes with your friends on free mods or breaks.  Yep those were the days.   We were in 10th grade which made us 15.  I smoked Parliament light 100's  with the recessed filters (IYKYK) and she smoked Benson and Hedges.  She was a cheerleader that was so far from the "cheerleader" type it would crack us up.  We wrote notes in those days, scraps of paper that we would purge our daily trials onto, fold in some triangular football shape and pass to one another in the hall.  We could fill a note throughout the day and then I would throw it into a box for the ages to find someday.  We were able to talk endlessly about music, people, boyfriends, animals, school, college, parents, divorce, siblings, hours of chat.  We al...
Read more

No, not that.

-
Image
 Lets talk about graduation parties!  Should I order the chicken scampi or marsala for the chicken dish?  Cakes and cupcakes or cookies?  DJ or photo booth or both? So we decorate the cake with Wyoming Seminary as a graduate or Penn State as his college destination? No, we wont talk about that.  You know, the "drophimoffandleavehimtherepart" or the "Ihaveabsolutelynopurposewithouthiminmydailygrind" lets not forget "Whenyoufoughttoliveforthisboyandnowheisgoingwhylive?" OK OK I'm not going to end my life because Jack is leaving for college, but for christs sake what the fuck is my purpose now?  I am struggling, struggling with so many things right now. I know my struggle on paper is nothing compared to so many other people.  My weight, my hair, my boy, my heart, my future.  I want to just get to the point where I can just take him and drop him off.  Rush through this summer and get it over with, pull off the bandaid quick and start the new chap...
Read more