Happy Fathers day.

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I appreciate people calling and writing concerning my latest "funk". I guess I should have known it was coming. As everyone knows I finally was off the Paxil since maybe three weeks ago. I had been taking ten MG every other or third day to keep the effects at bay. Little did I know that the worst was yet to come. I dont talk too much about my emotional stuff because I feel "winey". I have nothing to be sad about. But I was feeling really really sad, I know sad is a simple word. better description would be moody, depressed, sad about all the changes right now. They are all out of my control, and all directly effect me. I am a control kinda gal you know. I control where and when people go and do anything or did anyway. Now I have a two year old that does and goes whilly nilly. My oldest daughter in Europe with and where I didnt know. Best (sarc) of all is that in a few short weeks I will get phone calls every day or four letting me know the status of her where and whens. Missi has never been a here and there gal. I have been able to keep it under control with going wherever she wanted to go with her. I knew everything because I was there. Now we have the little man. He cramps our "pick up and go-ness" so missi is pick up and going either less or without me.
The house beautiful, gorgeous, but STRESS under those beautiful grey and black shingles that we chose together. door here? tile, marble, slate? carpet, hardwood. I can give all the information I want research my head off but I am still a "consultant". I have images of moving into this house and feeling like a visitor.
Sell my house. this is a BIG BIG BIG SAD ONE. OK I am not supposed to be nostalgic. It is wrong. I am not supposed to look back on my life before Andy with fond beautiful memories. This house is all my everything under one roof. Happy times with Tim and the girls. truly happy. I can say I was never afraid with him. I think that is why I thought I could get away with anything. I never thought and was never afraid that he would leave me. Those were happy albeit ignorant days. My days in this house with Amy. great great great. My days struggling to pay the bills tuition. Buying my car. They were financially difficult but I havent laughed that hard in a long time.
My Dad is gone. My heart breaks everyday when it hits me again. Today is fathers day and I am stifled frozen and broken. I would give anything to go back one year. I dont remember what I got him last year. That is sad. Five minutes with him thats all I want. I am broken I think.
I am fat, my heart is not right and I am getting to the point where I dont care. I am better this week than last but I am not out of it yet. The Paxil is helping. I am now back on ten MG a day. I hope to pull myself out of this pretty quick so to get back on my feet.
I dont know if I need GOD, better drugs, more talking or less talking. I know 5 minutes with my Dad would straighten me right out. He had a way of showing me how lucky I was and to not pity party. C'mon Suz get your head out of your ass, look at the good in your life."
OK if I talk to you regularly and you know who you are!!! please dont say you are worried about me, you have enough to think about so dont worry bout me. this will work out.

Comments

Anonymous said…
So i can honestly say that i do and will always worry about you, but i know also that you will be ok.I was once in your shoes with the dad stuff and try not to impose thoughts on your thoughts..but i can say with truth and honesty that you WILL be ok.And the memories of the house are the gretest things you can cherish..they will always be there..always..and yes they all were great...truely great..embedded forever with smiles, laughter, and tears...i will never forget nor will you.but suz it is time for a fresh start. A new level to your life, and you deserve it so much more than anyone. You have struggled through alot in the past few years , so let this be your reward for life. Enjoy everyday of it, it goes by so quickly.You will have so many new memories to make and i will make sure of that.maybe a new blue nighty..lol..and new midsummer's night candle smells..foot lotions after bath time, and walks around the town with the boy when the weather is nice.The girls coming home from school, alley esp with great stories of college memories that you can live vicariously through..you will laugh, you will ry but you will live, and happy at that. I love you sweetie...
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