Flaming June's Love

Still in a "mood" I hope to pull out of it soon.

I am ready for spring. I want my flowers to poke on through to life above ground. I so anticipate the flowers I planted after my Fathers death to spring to life. Symbolism for me to believe that life goes on. I have some bitterness towards the establishment, I need to blame someone for Pops death. I am analytical as that. Answers to how and why are toruring me at night. How did I miss this? How could I let him go? Where did it all go wrong? Mom and I went and pu the request in for Pops medical records for the time in the hospital til his death. I so want to sit and read through the whole thing. In my anticipatory state I hope to find a Dr signature that says "I F'ed up today and now this wonderful man is going to die and it is NOT HIS DAUGHTERS FAULT FOR NOT PAYING ATTENTION AND FOR NOT TAKING THIS SURGERY SERIOUSLY ENOUGH>" I dont think that will happen. I promised my dad that I would not let anything happen tohim, I did. He is now dust in a box in my Moms bed...

This F'ing show hits me every week. I swear the script is written as a post of my life. I have a NDE and swear my father traded his life for mine. I had choice to live or die and desperately chose to live. I dont know if I would fight as hard now, but I did fight hard then. My best friend was the voice in my head before I opened my eyes. I heard her voice and knew her message. When I say I wouldnt fight as hard now I meant that I dont fear death. I know I will be greeted by my father and Maryellen. Everyone will be fine without me and there is a plan for all. My baby Missi has officially acquired a boyfriend. Yup Her friend is now her BF. She is very happy and I think releived that someone finds her "ok". other than her family and girlfriends. I think he s a little punky emo type but she likes him and he doesnt do drugs and is very bright so all is fine. Not much else.

To meet someone or feel as though you meet them is to dip into their lives for however long you are connecting with them. The topic or incidents you dip into can measure the depth of the connection. OK, a woman I "met" through blogger is having an anniversary today. Today is one year since the loss of her son who died at twelve days old. Loss of a child is torture, pure hell on earth Ic an only imagine. She and her husband brought home a healthy son and celebrated family together. Photos of the three of them, walking in a park, their first, cuddling, snoozing, feeding all commemorated on blogger. Then it all came down, down so far those of us that havent felt the loss will never know. I can touch on pain through loss but hope and pray to never know the despair she has endured. Is ther life after this? I dont know. She continues to "live" she works, goes to holiday parties, cooks, cleans. How I dont know. I am feeling so many things for this friend I do...

My children are growing up before my eyes and I dont see it except through the lens of my camera. The digital was one of the best gifts I ever got. I absolutely love it. The girls are always yelling to stop it! Jack just smiles. My Missi is so beautiful. She can be abrasive though, (to say the least) She says things that are shocking. Then she looks around to see a reaction. That is soooo not me. I think that is why she does it. She can be dark. Rebel but not in trouble. (thank God) She is odd. Hysterically soo. She went to Michaels to buy supplies for a project and bought feathers. Why? dunno I liked them. She flitted around the house calling herself a a caw. cxa caw ca caw. hmm feathers in her hands being silly. Then I told her she was a rare breed and should be extinct! She thought that was hysterical really funny. aanyway here she is

Mary Cassatt My all time favorite painter is the true heart of a woman. I am feeling pensive.... maybe. If that is the word, premenstrual is more like it. reflective, thoughtful, sad a little. Dont know exactly why . Ill be ok.

There are only a few words that can describe what this child represents. He is an example of the Love his father and I have shared. The blue eyes are mine in turn are my fathers. The cheeks and full lips are just like his sisters. This afternoon the temp outside was warmer than it has been. The snow still obviously fluffy and fun for the boy. Daddy and he went out and played. Daddy threw the snow in the air and Jack watched as it fell to the ground and all around him, paused and laughed. Allie came down the street at the same time from Nana's house and called Jacks name and the boy stared and smiled and hooted to his big sister. Truly beautiful. After playing outside we all came in and his sister Missi called to Jack and he trailed snow from the front to the back of the house. She hugged him and took off his snow suit and shoes and the RED MITTENS> I found them at a consignment shop. 50cents do I need to shop there? NO do I love these cool red mitttens. Priceless. LOL I...

We had quite a bit of snow in our neck of the woods. Almost a foot of the white stuff. Kids have been outof school since Wednesday and it has been fine. Tonight Missi is at a hockey game with her buds and Allie is at home looking on line for a prom dress. Andy and I went for a lovely dinner and I had two of the most delicious pomegranite martinis.. Yup there is sex in my future tonight!!!! Gotta run crying boy with bright red cheeks, either the cold from playing in the snow or a cold with fever comong on.

Chinese proverb : One generation plants the trees; another gets the shade. Simply I am grateful today for so much. Lots and los of snow out there so the kids and the hubby are home. It is early in the day but at his point this is great in my eyes. I love these people. I will write again later today and see how in love I am then LOL.

Our wedding day the best one of my life. He is beautiful.

Ecclesiastes : For everything there is a season, And a time for every matter under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to seek, and a time to lose; A time to keep, and a time to throw away; A time to tear, and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate, A time for war, and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

i have been trying really hard to recall happy thoughts every night before bed so I can conjure good sleep. I am am a teeth grinding, dream screaming person. I can nap really well, but nighttime is my witching hour. Happy memory... Allie about 4 Missy about 2. We lived on the farm and had a fenced in side yard. We could sit out there and just chill out for the day. No worries. I had a blanket out on the grass, early summer. 20 feet from the back door and the girls and I had a day on a blanket. Looked at the tree in the yard. smelled the farm. played in the sandbox. I put lunch on their little picnic table. we listened to music and I loved them. Loved them adore them pray for them live for them and want all that is good and beautiful for them. Foreward 15 years and I am in the hospital after open heart surgery thinking I am dead and my daughters are there by my side whispering in my ear that they love me and hang in there they need me dont leave them. I vividly remember te...

As I go back in my mind about valentines days of the past I recall the good the bad the ugly. Ugly.. Sent an anonymous rose as a freshman to the senior beautiful boy and my best friends sister(his friend) told him it was me and he threw it away. yup bad Ugly.. My first husband found a gift in the house I had purchased when we were separated and thought it was for him uhh no you have a girlfriend since two years before we seperated she has jewelry and stuff I didnt get so no this is not for you butthead. Good.. Senior year i HS Mom and Dad surprised me with a box of chocolate and inside was a ticket to join them on a trip to St. Maarten. For easter. great time. Good.. ANdy bought me three dozen roses and sent them to my work an d all the girls thought I was the bomb and that he was the best thing since sliced bread. We were only dating three months at the time. Lat year Andy had a barbershop quartet come to the house and sing me love songs. He told them the story of the baby ...

Did you ever hear of a charmed life? That is me. I got a chance to take my children and my Mother to my brother and sister in laws home in upstate New York for the weekend. A beautiful home on beautiful property lots of snow and cozy family kids skiing I am lucky. The only thing missing was my husband. I often tease about my time alone but truthfully i missed him this weekend. I got home today and he had to leave for the city. He will be home tomorrow and will be home for the week. I simply love him, and know how lucky I am to have his love in return. any way I will attach some photos from the weekend.

Andy and I had a beautiful day together today. I think it was something we needed but I didnt realize it. We left the house this am with Jack and just decided to go antique hunting. We spent the day together and went to Goode Olde things. It is an architecture, and salvage facility. There is one in LA, Chicago, and I believe the main warehouse is here in Scranton PA. Well if anyone adores architecture and History and design and sculpture, as much as I do it was truly a memorable trip. Problem only one is it is freezing here so the warehouse is just as cold. We walked three football fields lengths filled with marble, iron, chairs, desks, fireplace mantles, mirrors, all salvage from buildings being torn down or redesigned. Huge mantles from asbury park homes of the early 1900's. The most inspiring things I saw were stained glass windows. At leat 100 yards of windows from churches synagogues banks, courthouses, homes, banks. beautiful. I found one that I loved but it was...