I am still here..

-
Well the holidays are officially over and I am still breathing and feeling. I have anticipated the death of my parents since I was a child. I think everyone as a young one thinks aboutt the day their mom might die or their father. Almost like the day you have children or get married or something, because they are such turning points in your life. Anyway I always thought my life would just be over when that day arrived. I have felt that feeling that nothing is as good without my dad but I survived this dreaded holiday and we did alright.
Last night my daughter had her girlfriends over and they played cards and did 15 yo girl stuff. Allie and her boyfriend went to her friends house for a "couples" party. Mom was, or seemed alright with being home and listening to records and reminiscing I think. I am sure it is a terrible thing to think back on almost 50 years with someone then spend your first alone. I would haver been with her but she wanted to be alone. So I was here with Andy and Jack with the gang downstairs and we all survived.
I made a pork dinner today as is tradition around here for good luck.
I had my mom and the kids and ANdy and Allies boyfriend here and all was fine.

I had a grace blessing ready in my head for dinner but couldnt muster the courage to say it.
Here is what I had in my heart.

GOD, thank you for bringing us here tonight to enjoy a decent meal. Although we are all spread around the country this new years day our hearts are together. If there was something my dad understood it was gratitude, so today I am grateful to have my children healthy, my mother here to enjoy a good meal a loving husband and happy memories to warm me.
I can only wish that Pop was here today but realize that a broken heart only comes from missing someone that was loved. You can appreciate today all that you still have and Pop would be the first to say that. We miss him, we love him and I am hopeful for many years of happy memories. Amen

goofy maybe but I do feel better.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Kiss

-
Image
  It has been 75 days. When I went to bed at night I would cry, every night.  My Mom would begin the process of "bedtime" at least 30 minutes before I actually had to go to my room.  She would give me the countdown. "Next commercial break"  "Ten more minutes"  "Go get your last drink of water" Some nights she would begin to doze and I would squeeze another 10 minutes until the dreaded bed time. Then began the process.  We would go to my room, which was only 12 feet from the living room in all actuality, but it was miles in my little girl heart.  Mom would pull down the covers, tuck me in, give me all of my comfort things and then I would cry.  The more she tried to make me comfortable with the thought of sleeping, alone, the harder I would cry.  If she would just say go to bed, it would have been easier. We would say my prayers together, Our Father, Hail Mary and then all of the God Bless's. The God Blesses were my definite way to get her to ...
Read more

Ayla

-
Image
 When I was in High School my best friend was Amy.  I don't remember how we met or where, but somehow we just clicked.  I believe it was probably on the patio where in the 1980's you could go outside and smoke cigarettes with your friends on free mods or breaks.  Yep those were the days.   We were in 10th grade which made us 15.  I smoked Parliament light 100's  with the recessed filters (IYKYK) and she smoked Benson and Hedges.  She was a cheerleader that was so far from the "cheerleader" type it would crack us up.  We wrote notes in those days, scraps of paper that we would purge our daily trials onto, fold in some triangular football shape and pass to one another in the hall.  We could fill a note throughout the day and then I would throw it into a box for the ages to find someday.  We were able to talk endlessly about music, people, boyfriends, animals, school, college, parents, divorce, siblings, hours of chat.  We al...
Read more

No, not that.

-
Image
 Lets talk about graduation parties!  Should I order the chicken scampi or marsala for the chicken dish?  Cakes and cupcakes or cookies?  DJ or photo booth or both? So we decorate the cake with Wyoming Seminary as a graduate or Penn State as his college destination? No, we wont talk about that.  You know, the "drophimoffandleavehimtherepart" or the "Ihaveabsolutelynopurposewithouthiminmydailygrind" lets not forget "Whenyoufoughttoliveforthisboyandnowheisgoingwhylive?" OK OK I'm not going to end my life because Jack is leaving for college, but for christs sake what the fuck is my purpose now?  I am struggling, struggling with so many things right now. I know my struggle on paper is nothing compared to so many other people.  My weight, my hair, my boy, my heart, my future.  I want to just get to the point where I can just take him and drop him off.  Rush through this summer and get it over with, pull off the bandaid quick and start the new chap...
Read more