Flaming June's Love

I went for a walk this evening Jack and I. As I said this am it was an exceptionally beautiful day here. The evening remains equally memorable. Twl things to remember so I will write them here. 1. The light on the trees at 6:45 was tremendous. setting reddish harvest sun in the west. threw light on amber trees that I swear I havent ever seen before. If I knew how or what the color was I would paint my liffe with it. I dont know if it was so much the "color" as the "light". Ok here is the thoughtful side of it,.... Could that be my Dad? Could he be in "heaven" and shining a light down on Jack and I so that we feel something good? Did his face pop into my mind habitually or intentionally inspired by a greater being, force, power? Did I get that grateful to be alive feeling by encouragement or by habit.? I miss my dad on a daily basis. He and Mom lived up the street so seeing him 3-4 times a day was not unusual so when I say I have lost a const...

Dear GOD, Thank you for such a gorgeous fall day. The sun is shining, the leaves are the first sign of change, the hint of a light green to soon turn those magical colors of northeast fall. I was able to get into my own car today on my own feet and with strength and enthusiasm and wrestled my healthy happy 1 yr old son into his carseat and went to the grocery store. That is where I realized that I have enough money to buy food that intriques me, freshest fruits and vegetables for my children, and still have money left over. Jack and I drove with the music playing windows open and breathed in chilly fresh air. Smell of leaves cut grass and images of a hot cup of pumpkin spice coffee. I sit here now on the computer, my home is clean, I am healthy, my oldest children are at school, a private high school where they are getting one of the best educations possible in this area. I am so grateful. I have had loss the past few years bu I am encouraged, positive, grateful and ready to li...

Tuesday and all is well. My exhusband was over today toclose the family pool. I guess its an unusual relationship, when it comes to typical divorced couples. I like him. I always liked him, and to be honest I still love him but more like a longtime family member that just "is". I was with my ex for 15 years, since I was 17 myself so life before him is almost nonexitant. I dont think I discovered who I was or what I wanted until after we broke up. Sadly enough I didnt know how much I liked him until after he was gone, and truly I probably could have stayed happy with him had I met him when I was older to realize what is truly important. Thats the past, now I am remarried to a man that is so totally opposite of my first husband. Loving and verbal obviously loves me. People I hardly know say they never saw a man so in love. "With me?, why. " I ask him that often why I am nothing special. But to him I am. that is all that matterts right. right.

Saturday rain had always been a bummer until now. I like being "stuck" in the house with the kids and my husband. Kinda lazy snuggly I like it. My oldest daughter has a football game today to cheer at and then have a sleepover. My younger daughter Missi the computer girl, will be here until she has some friends over tonight. Obviously Jack and I will be in my room bonding over green eggs and ham the one fish two fish book. Andy ( my husband) is going to drink beer tonight with hus buddy. There was atime in our relationship when I would stay up and think about what he was "up to" I dont think like that anymore. Since my heartattack and the birth of our son he has been the most attentive and committed man on the planet. I truly love him from the deepest part of my heart. He was the last thing I saw before I went to surgery and the first after I finally woke up. OK gonna have to run I am boring arent I. LOL

I am wearing my favorite Universiity of Pennsylvania sweatshirt and Jack has on a white turtleneck with blue jeans. It is officially chilly today. So as I usually do I cook for the weather!!! what? well I cook for the weather. Obviously today is a chicken soup day. So the stock and chicken carrots and veggies are simmering in the kitchen as we speak. I also put an apple pie together this am. Some women shop for shoes, handbags, I am a grocery store junkie. Recipes, fresh stuff and primarily baking is one of my things. My husband is a great eater!!!! My daughters dont eat much but they are teenage girls. I cook for comfort for everyone. Nothing ever felt better to me than homecooking. I am feeling better today I think I just get sad at night when things quiet down. I really am just wanting to feel better. Hopefully my daughter will help me download a few kid pics to share. OK I will write again later. http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c255/Kyuujutsukun/missipic.jpg http://i29.photobucke...

Well- I remember wathcing Greys anatomy at the end of last season and crying. I cried for the lost love between Izzy and Denny. But more than that I cried for myself. A year ago I suffered massive heart attack and barely survived emergency heart surgery. My body has been recovering but my spirit has not. I want to live but dont go desperately outof my way to accomplish a long and healthy life. I dont smoke, but also dont exercise. I dont eat right and have gained a more than a few pounds in the past year. Depression maybe a little. Hopelessness, maybe a little. but I truly think I am just getting by. I know that when I die It will be an ok thing. I am not afraid to die actually look forward to the day with optimism and interest. I am not suicidal but really in a mood where if it happened tomorrow other than my kids being motherless and husband being a widow and alot of sad people, selfishly.... I would be ok with the whole thing. If you read any of my other posts you know ...

A night alone is something I get frequently, most married women dont get these but I have a husband that is refered to as a "road warrior". He is a salesman and travels all week on the east coast. How do I feel about having the week to myself with the kids and dog in our home. Fine, happy, satisfied, grateful. yup yup and yessirreee!!!!!! I love my husband very much and dont know what I would do without him but..... I was alone with my girls for quite a few years prior to my second marriage so working and living on my own is quite comfortable. Only difference this time is that Jack is with me during the day and at night. I am a BAD MOMMY!!!!! While my husband has been on the road since Jacks birth I have brought him into bed with me when hubby is away. bad bad girl I know and now I am paying for it. Not that I care if he sleeps with me til hes 5 but hubby wants room in the bed when he gets home on Friday. well dont blame him really, but boy it is hard to break a ba...

My motivation, lets see... I am a sad person at this point. If you put it all on paper I have it all. I have an attentive handsome husband. beautiful healthy children. I am moderately healthy, considering having had open heart surgery one year ago following a heart attack following the birth of our son. ( Yeah sounds dramatic huh!LOL). Anywaysssss... ( as the kids would say) My dear father passed away a month ago and my broken heart has more cracks and divets than ever. Have you ever met someone that you knew was special before they even opened their mouth? That was him. He had a sparkle in his eye even when not trying. I am the youngest of four children and the only girl. So I was always loved and cared for but being the fourth whether boy or girl there isnt much time. My father worked all the time for us and my mom was and remains the most well put together, organized, planner ever. long story short, My heart hurts. I miss my friend, My daily laugh, my daily refle...

Well, here goes the beginning of my blogging experience. A few rules I will lay down for myself... 1.) be honest with my feelings 2.) I will write what, where, when and how I want with out regard to who may be reading. 3.) My life feels boring at times to me but to someone else my experience may be helpful so I will do my best. OK here I am. Lets see how it goes.