Flaming June's Love

OK here are the pics from ALlies camera from last weekend. Joe Allies best friend for many years was in his homecoming court this weekend. I am so very proud of him. His dad died about 7 years ago in a terrible frak accdient and he is turning out ok. I Love him as one of my own. I have visions of Allie and he getting married someday. But who knows what that really means. I just know I love him as if he were my own and that is good enough for me. The last pic is Jack this weekend with my Mom. I dont know what to say about her. This is a woman that raised four children and married to the same man for 47 years- happily. I cant pull my head out of my ass long enough to be grateful and she is still taking care of us. My brother is .. O)H fuck it I dont have the energy to talk about it. Just simple I think wake up. The pic of Joe and allie working at the new house sanding the first of seventy fucking million coats of primer. They are happy and I love them

I have no right to feel sad or sorry for myself. I have "everything". I am very very fortunate yet I have periods of overwhelming sadness. I dont know if I am clinically depressed or going through menopause or just dumb. I am fighting it really hard but at least three times a day want to just cry. Song on the radio, people in cars. I cant put my finger on what exactly it is. anyway, I have some really good people in my life that have dropped me notes and such with words of love and appreciation. I still cant find my camera and I am truly hurting from it. I am supposed to go to the SYTYCD show on Friday but I have come to the conclusion that I dont really want to go. It is a long ride in the car late at night and I know that ALlie has friends coming in for th weekend and she wants to be with them. I dont want to be anywhere.

I feel like my head is too heavy for my body. I want to lay down and never get up. I feel like a failure, an idiot and hopeless. I have totally fucked up a totally good life I was given and fucked it up in all aspects possible. I have images of driving too fast, I have images of making a "bad" decision. I just want to sleep, for a very long long time.

Ruby dropped me a note and said I have been quiet. I guess so. I have been good nothing bad, nothing terrible. I cannot find my digital camera. I am sure it is somewhere in the house if the boy grabbed it and then it is gone til he is 18 Im sure. My other thought is that it is gone for good. I remember having it out on the porch taking pics of the for sale sign. Yeah that long ago. i havent seen it since. Those of you that know me know that I love my camera. I have a hard time posting blogger without it. I last wrote when I was pining away for tickets to So You think you can dance. I wasnt really pining but disappointed. My girl Allie called last Thursday and let me know she got us tickets. With her own money. I was so honored she did that on her own> So Oct 12th she and I will be at Penn state to see All the dancers.. I am so psyched. I chose paints for the house. Yup every room. Talk about stressful.

Thanks to my dear friend Ruby for thinking of me at the show last night. I wanted to go and see them all in person but didnt have willing or passionate participant. I would rather not go and enjoy other peoples experience than go with someone that I would have to worry about them being bored or hating every minute of it. Ruby was so kind to take some pics from her AMAZING seats obviously.