Flaming June's Love

I love the way they all look. Peaceful, resting, comfortable. I know that. I am here looking at the boy chewing on a block, Missi watching a cartoon, Allie listening to her ipod and my guy in th bathroom.! My life is good.

Still in a "mood" I hope to pull out of it soon.

I am ready for spring. I want my flowers to poke on through to life above ground. I so anticipate the flowers I planted after my Fathers death to spring to life. Symbolism for me to believe that life goes on. I have some bitterness towards the establishment, I need to blame someone for Pops death. I am analytical as that. Answers to how and why are toruring me at night. How did I miss this? How could I let him go? Where did it all go wrong? Mom and I went and pu the request in for Pops medical records for the time in the hospital til his death. I so want to sit and read through the whole thing. In my anticipatory state I hope to find a Dr signature that says "I F'ed up today and now this wonderful man is going to die and it is NOT HIS DAUGHTERS FAULT FOR NOT PAYING ATTENTION AND FOR NOT TAKING THIS SURGERY SERIOUSLY ENOUGH>" I dont think that will happen. I promised my dad that I would not let anything happen tohim, I did. He is now dust in a box in my Moms bed...

This F'ing show hits me every week. I swear the script is written as a post of my life. I have a NDE and swear my father traded his life for mine. I had choice to live or die and desperately chose to live. I dont know if I would fight as hard now, but I did fight hard then. My best friend was the voice in my head before I opened my eyes. I heard her voice and knew her message. When I say I wouldnt fight as hard now I meant that I dont fear death. I know I will be greeted by my father and Maryellen. Everyone will be fine without me and there is a plan for all. My baby Missi has officially acquired a boyfriend. Yup Her friend is now her BF. She is very happy and I think releived that someone finds her "ok". other than her family and girlfriends. I think he s a little punky emo type but she likes him and he doesnt do drugs and is very bright so all is fine. Not much else.

To meet someone or feel as though you meet them is to dip into their lives for however long you are connecting with them. The topic or incidents you dip into can measure the depth of the connection. OK, a woman I "met" through blogger is having an anniversary today. Today is one year since the loss of her son who died at twelve days old. Loss of a child is torture, pure hell on earth Ic an only imagine. She and her husband brought home a healthy son and celebrated family together. Photos of the three of them, walking in a park, their first, cuddling, snoozing, feeding all commemorated on blogger. Then it all came down, down so far those of us that havent felt the loss will never know. I can touch on pain through loss but hope and pray to never know the despair she has endured. Is ther life after this? I dont know. She continues to "live" she works, goes to holiday parties, cooks, cleans. How I dont know. I am feeling so many things for this friend I do...

My children are growing up before my eyes and I dont see it except through the lens of my camera. The digital was one of the best gifts I ever got. I absolutely love it. The girls are always yelling to stop it! Jack just smiles. My Missi is so beautiful. She can be abrasive though, (to say the least) She says things that are shocking. Then she looks around to see a reaction. That is soooo not me. I think that is why she does it. She can be dark. Rebel but not in trouble. (thank God) She is odd. Hysterically soo. She went to Michaels to buy supplies for a project and bought feathers. Why? dunno I liked them. She flitted around the house calling herself a a caw. cxa caw ca caw. hmm feathers in her hands being silly. Then I told her she was a rare breed and should be extinct! She thought that was hysterical really funny. aanyway here she is

Mary Cassatt My all time favorite painter is the true heart of a woman. I am feeling pensive.... maybe. If that is the word, premenstrual is more like it. reflective, thoughtful, sad a little. Dont know exactly why . Ill be ok.