Flaming June's Love

I want to write but I am stifled. Jammed up, constipated, bound and caught. My baby Allie has two nodules on the left side of her thyroid. We have to see a specialist to decide to biopsy, remove, whatever. I am a fighter, I am a survivor. This would kill me. Tims Birthday, yeah what ifs and what was I thinkings. Blue eyes of my babies.

I have been reading a book this week, not that its a new thing but this book was great. Made me think about if I had to write my life on paper what would I want remembered. One chapter would be starry night. My best starry nights. Mountain nights, cool, clear, quiet. stars too many to count. As a child looking out my window from bed and see just a few stars through the trees. From the tub at 501 I can see a planet, which one I dont know but so so bright. The farm, open sky, cloudless, summer nights with Tim in the yard. Front porch with the Carlton' on Myrtle ave. My favorite starry night, I remember walking down our road out the mountain late at night with my friend Kathy, so so dark. Until a cloud would slide by the moon and stars so the night would be lit by blue. The darkest night illuminated by small peepholes to heaven. I remember we laid in her yard and just looked up. Watched clouds glide into their places and stars disappear and reappear again. Stars on snow in Syr...

I am not religious... enough. I say my prayers, I talk to God. I say prayers in my head and wish or pray for good thing for others and myself. I spend a majority of my day thinking about everyone in my life. Jack being sick the last few days, not eating fevers, cranky. I ask God to help him and get him better soon. I am asking alot for my nephew Danny now that we know he will definately be going to the Marines. His potential holdup was history of Asthma, turns out after testing and function tests he is well enough to go to basic training. So I ask God to watch over him and my sister in law and brother to ease their minds and watch over the family. The people on Blogger that have suffering, my friend who has run into serious financial problems, a friend with a sick daughter having tests done and unknown outcomes I pray for them. I should be giving something back, right? That is why people go to church to praise God. Give back to God and thank Him for their "good stuff...

I have to believe I need to have faith. These people that look at you are what keep me going inthe right direction sometimes. I sometimes think that if I keep doing the "next rigt things" I will see them all again. I forget how much I miss these people until I see their faces again so close. My brother put these pics on his facebook profile and it took my breath away. Most of all I love my Pop. He is in a plaid shirt and it look as if it were taken yesterday. Obviously not, 1966. I LOVED HIM. The pic of my family so young. Me the baby in the front. such a sweet picture of a family. I dont remember this time in my life obviously but the effects of being cared for and loved so deeply live through today. A picture of my grandparents on the porch of the homestead. Christmas decorations and just so easy to feel. Lastly the pic of the four sisters. I always wanted sister as a child, I dont envy that anymore. I like my boys, and wouldnt have what I d o if I had a sister ...

I sit here in the recliner with Andy and Jack both snoring beyond words. Jack has a sleep apnea that would make your head spin. The sputtering snorts and breath holding delays are almost entertainment in an alien quiet. Andy sleeps with the boy tucked between he and the back of the couch. He sleeps with minutes of quiet breathing then a sudden GAASP and snort from the depths of his throat, yet I swear it sounds as if he is toileting his bronchial tree. Andys hand is resting on Jacks shoulder and it is huge. His paw -the size of Jacks shoulder and half of his back. It must weigh fifteen pounds that mitt is resting without waking the boy. They snore, grunt, whistle, gasp, sputter, mumble, smack and occasional yum-hum-mhummms. Now wake or not wake? Yeah 630 on a saturday night. wake now and my spell is broken. Immediate release from the quiet of computerhaze. Allow to sleep and they will both be ready to tango until 12. Smart women would dress and get out of the house now befo...

AND THIS WILL ALL SEEM FUNNY. I lived that anthem in the eighties , then again in the 90's, struck it up again in the begining of the new century and here I am again looking forward to laughing it all away. My baby has a broken heart. I naturall feel the urge to kill mame and destroy anyone that does that any of my children. This is different. She was in love and will always love the first boyfrind. This is natural progression and I am grateful. I have talked before about how things are "supposed" to go. Parents die first, then us and then your kids. OK natural progression and we are following suit. I am grateful. The way to a broken heart is not always as nice as Allies is right now. I have many a story of deep betrayal, abuse, and just plain carelessness with other people feelings. She has had a healthy first love, no trauma until now with the breakup. For this I am grateful. OK I am sad she is sad, I want to take away her tears. I dont want ot change the go...